can someone pls give me some outside perspective on my real event OCD:( i did something really stupid about a year ago and it’s been haunting me ever since, i feel so bad and i’d do anything to take it back and it was so out of character for me it’s the worst thing i’ve ever done, so i had been using the app discord for a while just to talk to guys cause i was very lonely and i have very low self esteem so i was hooked on the male validation i was getting on there and one day i was talking to this guy who had told me he was 18 (same age as me) and so we talked on voice call for about an hour later on while texting him i caught him lying about his age and he was actually 15 but he was sort of gaslighting me and saying that he was 18 and instead of blocking him i sort of convinced myself he was 18 and that he wasn’t lying but deep down i knew he was and i texted him for one more hour before i came to my senses and blocked him, the conversation we had was not sexual or anything it was a normal conversation but he was giving me compliments and such and i guess i was enjoying the attention but after an hour i came to my senses and blocked him. I feel so disgusting i’m not into underage guys at all i’m the opposite i like guys older than me so don’t understand why i did something so stupid, i feel like i can’t forgive myself and i’ve been having problems eating and sleeping cause i feel like i don’t deserve too and i feel just as bad as a pedophile i don’t know what to do i want to feel okay and happy but i feel like if people knew about this they’d also think i deserve to suffer and even die. I want to forgive myself i’ve been punishing myself and beating myself up over this for months now and everytime i try to forgive myself i just have thoughts like no you deserve to suffer for what you did and everyone would agree. Can someone please be honest and tell me how bad my mistake was? do i deserve to die for it? can i ever move on and be a good person after doing something like this? I genuinly can’t tell if my OCD has blown this out of proportion or if i really deserve only bad things to happen to me after this.

I had a compulsion to look up “child nudity” on google to see people’s opinions on whether nudity in children is sexualized or not. This came from a whole other obsession that I’m not going to get into right now. I had another compulsion to click on images and I told myself I didn’t want to I had a compulsion to look up “child nudity” on google to see people’s opinions on whether nudity in children is sexualized or not. This came from a whole other obsession that I’m not going to get into right now. I had another compulsion to click on images and I told myself I didn’t want to do that but still did it anyway. I saw one boy naked from the front. I immediately closed the tab but then got another compulsion to look again to confirm what I saw. I searched again and looked on images this time seeing a toddler girl nude from the back. I closed the tab and got a compulsion to look at the first image again to confirm the approximate age of the boy in the first picture and this time saw a girl toddler nude from the front. Doing all of this I yelled at myself to stop and when I saw the last picture of the girl I started crying. I’m still in tears and I’m so scared. I have another urge to look at the source of that photo with the boy again to confirm he wasn’t getting sexually exploited in that image. It was from 1920 and he had a straight face so I’m worried I actually saw something really bad. These images weren’t sexualized I think but are they still considered CP? Did I just see illegal material? Either way I just looked at photos of nude children 3 separate times and now I hate myself more than I ever had before. I feel like I shouldn’t be alive right now. I’m a disgusting human being l don’t deserve to live what is wrong with me. I don’t care if this is ocd I gave into a really inappropriate compulsion and didn’t stop myself. I’m not afraid I’m going to harm children I know for a fact I would never do that but this is a step too far. How do I continue living with myself. I messaged my therapist for the first time and she said we can have a session tomorrow but I’m an absolute mess right now. I’m crying so hard I gave myself a headache and it’s getting hard to breathe correctly.

*PLEASE READ* *any help appreciated* So I work with kids and it’s a lightning rod for triggering my POCD. I work with a mental health org that supports kids with autism and other intellectual development disorders. And so I’ve grown really close with one kid since I started since I was his first ever staff and he was the first ever kid I worked with. I’ve grown really protective of him and we’ve become really close and our relationship truly means the world to me. But before I get into my little incident, I have to provide context: so I am hypersexual and struggle with compulsive masturbation and my urges are almost uncontrollable sometimes. I have a lot of trauma from foot fetish stuff/pornography as a kid and it’s carried on into my adult life unfortunately. And so as I was waking up my kid and trying to get him out of bed to get him into the shower (I usually give him a few extra minutes but if he’s uncooperative I have to pull him out of bed gently) and so I just shift him by his legs bc it’s easiest. And my urges and thoughts have been so bad lately and when he wasn’t cooperating, as I was shifting his legs today, his foot touched my private area and I carried on normally but now I feel like a monster and everything I fear. I need some advice bc I’m scared to even talk to my therapist about this bc I think I will go to jail. I don’t want to be like this and I hate POCD so much and I rlly care so much for this kid and would actually die for him to protect him. I just need someone to tell me I’m not crazy bc idk if that contact between us was intentional or not and I have not spiraled like this for so long. I truly am losing my mind and want to give up bc I know I am not the person my POCD tells me I am but now I feel like I am everything it calls me. I feel so ashamed and repulsed and disgusted in myself and wish I didn’t exist. I feel like I’ve exploited my kid and taken advantage of him and that I don’t deserve to have him in my life and that I don’t even deserve to life and would be better off in jail or dead. im so broken and I’m sorry if what im saying is confusing

18+ When I was in high school (16 or 17), I hung out with the popular kids of school... they send me this popular girl (who was in our school) explicit photo on snap because I was curious to see it... after I turned 19, I suddenly remembered my friends sent the photo and asked them to delete it off of the chat, as I didn't want to be in possession of any form of illegal material... Fast forward to later... my friend had broken up with his ex and wanted to send us explicit pics of her... curious at the time, I asked to see it and he sent the group (including me) some pictures... Now that Im 24, I remember him sending these pics and asked him to take down the pics in our snapchat convo... I didnt want any pics of their ex because this was harmful content... my friend, (the one who sent our friend group explicit vids and pics of his ex) told me that there was a one month period between him and her when they were in a relationship where he was 18 and she was 17 )... they were together for 1-2 years... and they were explicit throughout their whole relationship ... including the one month period... so i was getting extremely anxious and triggered about him sending me potentially illegal stuff... I asked him several times over the course of three days after he casually admitted he had a 1 month age period with her, (he was 18 and she was 17 during that one month) if she was over 18 when he made those videos, and he kept giving me answers like "Yes" And "It was a month after she turned 18..." He even got frustrated on the second day of me asking and said "Dude, this is the 10th time you've asked me and yes she was." On the third day I asked him, he said "yeah" when i said his previous comments of "a month after she turned 18, right?" back to him, and he even added that "we started getting more explicitly active around this time." He also told me "Even if she was under the age of 18, you wouldn't be in trouble because you were sent it." Yesterday, I called him again and apologized for asking so much... to which he responded... "I was hoping you'd realize this has been excessive..." But then I asked him if she really was 18 in those videos or not... he got frustrated and said... "Dude, you cant keep apologizing over and over, before asking me again..." Still, I asked him to confirm it for me one last time, to which he replied... "She was 18 in those videos..." I keep getting anxious because I dont know if he's lying or not and its triggering me really bad, not to mention feeling guilty about the harm I had caused... I genuinely feel so guilty and awful about this... I hurt people... and I cant sleep at night knowing I did... People say you make mistakes when you were a teen... these were some of my mistakes... I genuinely feel horrible and I cant sleep at night knowing the guilt of my actions are still there... I genuinely feel awful... I hope people dont hate me after reading this... i hope you dont block me... you've all been so genuinely kind and encouraging to me... and I dont want to lose someone who cares about me on here...