oh my god, i just feel so..nothing. i don’t even know how to describe what my mind is going through right now. i just had one of the worst intrusive thought ‘episodes’ at dinner and my mind feels like it’s about to actually explode. i really feel so helpless. my family was laughing around me because of course none of them have ocd. none of them know about even a fraction of what’s going through my head. i was trying to laugh with them but in my head came the intrusive thoughts immediately. just like clockwork. im having intrusive thoughts at this very second typing this. i cant deal with this. it’s too hard. i don’t know what to do. i want to cry but tears won’t come out because it’s like i know they’re not real, but my ocd is convincing me that they are because i’m obsessing over them. i DONT KNOW HOW TO STOP. I REALLY DONT AND ITS DRIVING ME FUCKING INSANE. i KNOW at the back of my head that i cannot give the intrusive thoughts attention because they’ll just keep torturing me. but it’s like nobody ever recognizes how truly hard it is to just ignore your thoughts. it’s physically impossible for me. there’s no way around it in my brain. my mind is completely wired to IMMEDIATELY respond to the intrusive thoughts as soon as they enter my head and keep them thriving so i can repeatedly obsess over them. i cant not think about them, i cant not do my mental rituals. i don’t know how i’ll ever get over this. i want therapy so bad but the thought of my family ever knowing that this is what i go through is truly terrifying. i would really like to ask others here if they share similar intrusive thoughts as mine but i am too scared to type them out because my ocd is convincing me something “will happen” if i do. i don’t even know what “something” is. at this point the intrusive thoughts are a blur. my mind is just associating typing the thoughts out with something negative, whatever that is, just something. i don’t even know what. the ocd part in my brain is having an absolute field party right now because it’s gotten control of me. im truly ashamed to say this but ocd really feels in control of me right now. the intrusive thoughts are controlling my emotions and i can’t stop them. im giving in, i don’t want to, but i can’t not. the intrusive thoughts are so severely affecting my mental state right now and it’s so difficult. i don’t even expect a single person to read all of this here. i don’t expect a response, im typing this out because getting my feelings out like this makes me feel more mentally in control. im a fucking mess right now, and it was triggered by the smallest things ever. i cant express this enough: i miss more than i can put into words my life before all of these intrusive thoughts. it wasn’t even 2 years ago or so that it was this bad. i miss my life. i miss being mentally healthy. my mind is all over the place and has been for almost 2 years straight and it truly feels like it’s gotten worse. everyday my mind goes through hell and back, today was one of the worser days. what did i do to deserve this, i want my life back

I dont know what to do anymore. I think Ive had the 'pure O' version of OCD for more than ten years. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted from this disease. For the longest time I just tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts, and push them off as anxiety, and basically dissociated for years of my life. Feels like Ive just been on autopilot and a shell of myself for nearly 15 years. Its actually hard to even imagine of all the experiences, emotions, connections with others, and personal growth that Ive missed out on- if I do, I think it would be too much to handle. I think Ive even forgot and dont even know at this point what it is to live a normal life and experience positive emotions. Now that I sought treatment for it specifically, it feels like it's gotten worse. Like by acknowledging that part of myself, suddenly added focus just makes it more real and in the forefront now. I wonder if I am actually going insane. Will not go into details for reassurance but the thoughts just rip my soul out. Its so difficult as well because I will get random 'clarity moments' throughout the day where I feel like Ive solved something, then get completely derailed by another OCD thought stream and forget everything. It feels like Im just on a merry-go-round of hell, not going anywhere thinking I am at times.

I’m definitely having an episode right now. A few times I’ve thought about coming onto this app and writing something but then I spiral further and further and I forget about anything except what’s triggering me. Then I think about this app again and intend to write a post… but again I’m spiraling too hard to focus on anything else. But I finally ended up here because I got an email from NOCD. I opened it and read about someone who ‘overcame their OCD.’ It made me spiral harder, because I genuinely don’t understand how someone can control this. How do I stop? How do I silence my brain? I was told to sit with my thoughts and not try to divert them, but if I do that I have an extreme episode so bad that I feel disconnected from myself. I looked at myself in the mirror and it felt like my eyes were seeing someone standing in front of me and not my reflection. It scares me to think that I will be experiencing these episodes forever. I literally just put my phone down twice because I thought my cat was choking to death because he had a hairball (he’s fine) I just feel like I can’t see a way out of this. It’s not curable, and I don’t understand how someone can ‘conquer’ something that feels so out of control Obviously it’s possible, but unfortunately that reassurance doesn’t always break through the most awful thoughts Sometimes there’s nothing that can make me calm down, I just have to ride it out I hope there’s never a day where it’s so out of control that I can’t keep it in at work, and I ruin my own life by having a severe panic attack while I’m there and being fired. If I had the type of episodes at work that I have consistently at home, I would be so humiliated. It scares me. I’m trying so hard to be normal like everyone else. I just want to be happy. I just want to live.

i’ve just been feeling so off lately. i’m okay right now, but a couple hours ago i was in this mood where i felt anxiety creeping up. like i will feel like there’s danger when there isn’t. i just get this really uncomfortable feeling that something feels wrong even when it isn’t. and i’ve been feeling derealization/depersonalization. just really disconnected from myself and the world. i’ve also been unmotivated to where there are times when the thought of doing things upsets me. and i’ve been having existential thoughts that do not mesh well with harm ocd. i get the thought “if people aren’t real then it’s okay to hurt them”. it sucks because there are times where i just don’t even care to ruminate and find reassurance that that’s not the case. furthermore, i’ve just been really aware of my existence. i will get moments where i’m so aware of my existence and it freaks me out. like the fact that i’m a living human being is crazy to me. then there are times when i’m not even anxious about anything which then has me questioning and ruminating on that because i ALWAYS have something i’m worrying about. i’ve also been feeling really nostalgic and bittersweet of the good memories from the past. i keep thinking about good times i’ve had and really wishing i could relive it. for example, last summer was a pretty good summer even with my ocd. and i just wish i could relive some of those moments, but i obviously can’t. and it’s been upsetting me because this month has been shitty with my anxiety. as for an update with my room change to those of you curious, i still have anxiety over it and my mom is taking it as me being ungrateful with what i have when it’s my ocd making a huge deal of it. that upsets me especially since i’ve told her what’s been going on and she was really understanding of it. anyways, life has just been a bit much and i’ve been dealing with more to my anxiety that i don’t appreciate. while worrying about constantly throwing up with my contamination ocd is incredibly exhausting, it’s so normal to me that i’m used to it. but when my harm ocd kicks in along with other themes that aren’t usually common for me, i freak out and feel like i’m going insane. i genuinely wonder how people have dealt with taboo topics of ocd without treatment for years on end. i’ve had harm intrusive thoughts since i was little, but it didn’t get to any extreme until 2023. i feel like i’m drowning in it when it decides to hit me and the thought of having to deal with it for the rest of my life?? i’m scared something in me will flip and i’ll become what my thoughts are telling me i am. i apologize for the mixed thoughts that are all over the place but i feel safe posting on here about it and want to hear how y’all are doing