oh my god, i just feel so..nothing. i don’t even know how to describe what my mind is going through right now. i just had one of the worst intrusive thought ‘episodes’ at dinner and my mind feels like it’s about to actually explode. i really feel so helpless. my family was laughing around me because of course none of them have ocd. none of them know about even a fraction of what’s going through my head. i was trying to laugh with them but in my head came the intrusive thoughts immediately. just like clockwork. im having intrusive thoughts at this very second typing this. i cant deal with this. it’s too hard. i don’t know what to do. i want to cry but tears won’t come out because it’s like i know they’re not real, but my ocd is convincing me that they are because i’m obsessing over them. i DONT KNOW HOW TO STOP. I REALLY DONT AND ITS DRIVING ME FUCKING INSANE. i KNOW at the back of my head that i cannot give the intrusive thoughts attention because they’ll just keep torturing me. but it’s like nobody ever recognizes how truly hard it is to just ignore your thoughts. it’s physically impossible for me. there’s no way around it in my brain. my mind is completely wired to IMMEDIATELY respond to the intrusive thoughts as soon as they enter my head and keep them thriving so i can repeatedly obsess over them. i cant not think about them, i cant not do my mental rituals. i don’t know how i’ll ever get over this. i want therapy so bad but the thought of my family ever knowing that this is what i go through is truly terrifying. i would really like to ask others here if they share similar intrusive thoughts as mine but i am too scared to type them out because my ocd is convincing me something “will happen” if i do. i don’t even know what “something” is. at this point the intrusive thoughts are a blur. my mind is just associating typing the thoughts out with something negative, whatever that is, just something. i don’t even know what. the ocd part in my brain is having an absolute field party right now because it’s gotten control of me. im truly ashamed to say this but ocd really feels in control of me right now. the intrusive thoughts are controlling my emotions and i can’t stop them. im giving in, i don’t want to, but i can’t not. the intrusive thoughts are so severely affecting my mental state right now and it’s so difficult. i don’t even expect a single person to read all of this here. i don’t expect a response, im typing this out because getting my feelings out like this makes me feel more mentally in control. im a fucking mess right now, and it was triggered by the smallest things ever. i cant express this enough: i miss more than i can put into words my life before all of these intrusive thoughts. it wasn’t even 2 years ago or so that it was this bad. i miss my life. i miss being mentally healthy. my mind is all over the place and has been for almost 2 years straight and it truly feels like it’s gotten worse. everyday my mind goes through hell and back, today was one of the worser days. what did i do to deserve this, i want my life back