I was prescribed kilonopins a few years ago when I admitted myself into the hospital for my ocd and depression and while I was getting admitted they gotta tlk to you and go threw your stuff they have rules like they only allow certain amounts of clothes and they don’t allow qtips but I have dressing rituals that require me to use more clothes than I need and I wear my bras and undershirts in order like the tags on my bras have numbers on them and during this dressing ritual I get my deodorant off my clean shelf wash my hands then grab a qtip off my clean shelf I don’t wash mt hands when I touch my qtips cause there just qtips once I have everything laid out then I can begin the ritual if I don’t do this dressing ritual 1 day then the next day I’d have to do it twice so the way I put on deodorant I’d have to do it twice then I’d get 2 qtips out then I’d put my hair up in a bun twice and I’ve been doing this for 15 years in different variations but pretty much always this way and my clothes stay in a bag even my dirty clothes stay in a bag I wash my hands prior to getting into the bags I put them in bags to keep them clean and when I got to the laundry Matt I wash my hands once I open the door to the washer and dryer and once there dry I by a new plastic clothes bag and carefully pull clothes out and put them into the bag if I drop something I put it in my dirty clothes so at the hospital they had to allow me to bring extra clothes I panicked when I thought they’d only allow me like a few clothes I couldn’t just bring in a couple bras and have them washed cause I wear them in order so I just literally panicked then they had to touch all of my clothes and I started panicking even more I keep them in these bags to keep them clean I wash my hands prior to getting clothes out of them if they touched just 1 thing the entire bag is contaminated and dirty now so many things were going threw my head they offered to wear gloves and I just sat there thinking that’s stupid if it was that simple don’t they think I would’ve thought of that already but I didn’t want to be rude cause they seemed to be trying to help but obviously that was stupid of them to tell me then they had to cut off any strings on my clothing wit scissors I was dead by the time I got upstairs they gave me kilonopin to help me relax and I was so greatful for that cause I was nervous bout just going to the hospital and my ocd was pretty debilitating then to I was haveing to chnahe my clothes everyday a certain way and shower a certain way I need all the things to do these rituals like just washing my hair I need my hair dryer clean and hair brush clean I have to have shampoo and conditioner if I just didn’t have conditioner I couldn’t wash my hair also I use 3 hair products which I also put in my hair a certain way if I didn’t have all 3 I wouldn’t be able to wash my hair so I could just be missing 1 thing even my hair dryer and not be able to perform my hair washing ritual even if I had shampoo and conditioner and could atleast wash my hair if I didn’t have my hair dryer I couldn’t do it so it’s really complicated and I was going to the hospital for help but admitions was so hard to get threw itself now I was upstairs wondering war I’m gonna do bout changeing my clothes wit a roommate on my room and haveing to do wat I need to for this ritual but in the bathroom floor were was I gonna set my deodorant I needed a clean area to put it even the sink was an issue cause the water came out wierd and I wash my hands a certain way so everything was even more difficult than it already was at my home but I pushed threw cause I was finally gonna get help to stop doing these things and dealing wit contamination ocd and my other ocd but 3 days in still just trying to chnahe my clothes everyday if I didn’t I’d have to chnahe them the amount of days I missed and rhats make it even more harder and take longer so I always tried to chnahe my clothes everyday but they ended up dischargeing me in 3 days they had no doctor no therapists they had no ocd person there to atleast try to help wit rituals and noone to help wit the trauma I had went threw in admissions them touching my clothes noone to ask if changeing my clothes wit a roommate would be an issue noone to ask if not haveing my qtips was causeing extreme panick I was just left those 3 days to deal wit it on my own but they had no help there everyone was just in there room anyways ppl who could just lay there all day everyday and get use to there medications ppl who didn’t have to worry bout roommates the way the water came out the faucet they didn’t have to ask to bend the rules for them they didn’t have to bring hygeine and shower products in they didn’t need there own hygeine and shower stuff and I was panicking bout all of that stuff the kolonipins helped wit the stress which was nice but noone was helping me so they discharged me the doctor told me they didn’t have the resources to help me and he gave me a referral to an inpatient ocd hospital in Chicago which when I got out and did the appintment they denied me cause they didn’t accept my insurance so that was the last time I got help that was a few years ago I gave up I had been dealing wit doctors therapists and hospitals not being able to help it was depressing just being denied all the time even though I was legit sick I gave up but now I’ve learned all of this stuff bout ocd and it requires it’s own help so I’m trying to get help again I just wish they’d give me anxiety meds for now atleast give me some relief now till I can find the proper care this isn’t rite for ppl wit ocd to suffer.

I’ve come to a point in my life where I can be very happy. I have a safe environment, a loving community. Yknow I’ve really healed through or moved on from a traumatic past and as I say to my boyfriend from time to time like a broken record: I feel like nowadays the only thing bringing me stress or at times misery is myself. I am a fairly joyful person, when I’m comfortable I’m very goofy and like to sing dance and have fun. I find that I relate to so many amazing people I meet that are the nicest, most fun, elevating individuals, who also struggle with the hardest sometime debilitating things. It truly sucks because when I find those moments of peace I see the power of what an ocd mind could be as a person. We are people who may over analyze, but I myself also always find the good in people. And aye if in a moment I don’t think anything is doomly wrong and if I don’t try to understand it I may parish 😅 then that moment feels like the best one in the world. But on the other side of that when I’m not in a quiet mind moment and I’m left with myself to take control of what life in front of me looks like in or around me. I almost have been crumbling. Like I said at the beginning of this story here, the life around me is not so situationally stressful. And it’s also fairly simple. My boyfriend and I live together in a small cozy trailer with our two cats, he works full time very hard and I work part time where I spend as much time as I can working and then have a few days around the house. We’re saving for a home and are quite content with our lifestyle at the moment with work and being “lazy”, or resting and going out for fun now an then on our time off together. Most times though I do have day or two off during the week by myself, which usually goes one of only two ways. Like I said before I do like to work hard, especially now that I have a part time job that’s fairly easier than others I’ve had in the past. So I work 6-7 hours then drive home, air up my tires and wash my car sometimes because I like doing something after work while I still have energy.Or I go to the store. Come home make food, prolly nap and not really worry about too much because I’ve worked all day. But on my days off. I find myself waking up with a lot of anxiety. I usually fight it off by going back to sleep. But my OCD is heavily circled around shame. Even though I only sleep in till 10-11, 12-1 at the latest. I find myself thinking about how wrong (in nice terms) it is to do that. And the funny thing is the older I get (I’m a 21F). I’m not as pressured by this thought, even though it’s still stressful it literally just feels like a thought I can’t escape from. To put things in simple terms. I truly psycho analyze my actions breath by breath and my intrusive thoughts are critiquing those actions bit by bit. I’ve recently have started medication and it was a tremendous difference in the beginning and it helped me cope with the acceptance and letting go (f it or just care less) of those thoughts. But let’s say I forget to take it, or I wake up one morning by myself all day and I’m super tired or unmotivated. That day will feel truly debilitated. And now I’m definitely to the point where I’m battling that, but also have a thin vale behind that where I now know what is going on. And the thoughts are shameful for “not trying to get better or be better” Because I do Like I write a lot, and it truly is one of the best coping mechanisms for working through intrusive or obsessive compulsions. I could also write all day, and if I don’t listen to that ease of the anxiety from writing. And try to keep going the writing will turn into a compulsion itself I feel like I should not stop or critique it as well. But luckily I’ll hopefully find my place in explaining the cycle of what I do when my brain is very loud about things. The next time it’s too loud:)

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

My ocd has been at an extreme all time high the past 2 weeks and I am in dire need of some relief. I’m not sleeping right anymore. for context: I live in the south and found a springtail on my sheets about 2 weeks ago. This was like 2 days before our bug guy came and sprayed (it’s a normal maintenance thing here) so it’s a common bug down here and I’ve found them all over different areas of the house before. Finding it in my bed sent me on a bit of a spiral bc I started to doubt if it even was a springtail and that i was wrong and that it was a bed bug, not trusting my brain. It was a bad, sleepless night and carried over continuing feelings. Typical ocd stuff. Well two days later, I’m a nurse and I had a patient that actually had bed bugs. This wasn’t the first day they were here and I did not see any myself but it still freaked me out. There had one 2 founds after visitors came the day before. Of course I wore PPE in the room (coveralls shoe covers and hair net) going in and took everything off before exiting the room. When I came home I stripped in my garage and bagged everything down to my shoes. Threw everything in the wash and did multiple cycles. There were no other steps I could take but I still had a terrible night. Hours of ruminating and going back and forth about tracing my tracks, thinking of new ways I could’ve taken one home with me. Just checking everything. I was already on a spiral from the springtail. Having two such back to back triggering events for me so closely related has made me deteriorate significantly. I was already doing bad with my normal OCD and starting therapy here. I obsess over the thought of having bedbugs constantly and haven’t been able to sleep. I am constantly checking my bed while in it and can’t settle down. My bed is heavy too and I keep hurting myself lifting my mattress to check. But I need to check. I’ve become obsessed. I check everything and go down Reddit rabbit holes looking for new things. And of course, I talk myself into it every time. I can’t take it anymore, it’s bleeding off into other parts of my life like friendship and marriage because I am so high anxiety right now. I need relief so bad. I’ve never felt this unstable to be honest. I feel like even someone without ocd would be really struggling with this topic, nevermind me, with ocd to a point where I just started treatment. These aren’t even my normal intrusive thoughts and compulsive acts. It’s just taken on a life in the last week and I can’t find any sign that it’s going to slow down. when I think rationally I know I did everything right to prevent but I can’t shake it. 💔