There’s a movie on Netflix called awakenings it’s an older movie but a doctor comes to an inpatient mental hospital and is being shown round the place there’s ppl wit different mental illnesses and other illnesses that required them to be in the inpatient hospital to be cared for but most of them were in wheelchairs and just sitting round in the hallways the new doctor asked wat all the patients were doing sitting round the nurse told him nothing that they can’t do anything for them the nurse told the new doctor they called it the garden cause all they do is feed and water the patients cause there wasn’t any help for there illnesses but some of the patients that were in a paralyzed state in wheelchairs had been that way for years and noone new wat was rong so they just staid in the hospital until this new doctor arrived and realized they all responded to different things like music physical touch watever clicked for the patient everyone was different they all had the same illness this doctor thought maybe they all had Parkinson’s that caused them to shake but the worst case of Parkinson’s were they shook so much all over they just froze so he finally was able to prescribe Parkinson’s medication in high doses to 1 patient and it worked he had been in this paralyzed state for 30 years and once given the medication he began wlk and moveing and riteing and slowly could do more and more like a normal person again and then a nurse told the doctor she couldn’t imagine loseing 30 years of her life stuck like that and asked the doctor if he thought the patient new it had been 30 years so he took a picture of the patient and when he seen it he had no idea it had been 30 years they eventually gave the Parkinson’s medications to everyone and it was helping these ppl get there life back and I just think that I see all the time ppl wit ocd spend years suffering and mostly misunderstood there’s not alot of help for us and being in the mental hospital we’re all just being fed and watered cause they don’t have alot of help for ocd in most hospitals and I’ve heard of ppl missing out on school and work and being able to take care of themselves and then the depression that comes wit that keeps ppl in there homes and in bed and the agoraphobia anxiety and anxiety attacks panick attacks social anxiety alot of ppl just don’t have any quality of life years waisted on an illness that doctors and therapist don’t understand themselves therefor we don’t get help unless it’s an ocd doctor and ocd therapist I just think the movie was crazy seeing ppl suffer for all those years no doctor looked into it they just labeled them watever in there charts and were given the same treatment wit no improvement noone ever tried to do a different treatment for them I think alot of ocd ppl are being treated the same way were all given the same treatment but ocd needs more and no doctors and therapists seem to understand that this is clearly an issue I’ve gone 15 years doing the same treatment from different doctors and therapist been on medications mostly an antidepressant I mean 15 years and nothing changed then I learn a couple months ago ocd requires it’s own doctors and therapists that actually understand it to help 15 years I’ve never seen any ocd doctor I just thought the ppl I was seeing were helping and that maybe I was just wierd but now I no there’s help out there I’ve just been given the rong treatment now I just gotta find a place that’ll accept my insurance.

I dont know what to do anymore. I think Ive had the 'pure O' version of OCD for more than ten years. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted from this disease. For the longest time I just tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts, and push them off as anxiety, and basically dissociated for years of my life. Feels like Ive just been on autopilot and a shell of myself for nearly 15 years. Its actually hard to even imagine of all the experiences, emotions, connections with others, and personal growth that Ive missed out on- if I do, I think it would be too much to handle. I think Ive even forgot and dont even know at this point what it is to live a normal life and experience positive emotions. Now that I sought treatment for it specifically, it feels like it's gotten worse. Like by acknowledging that part of myself, suddenly added focus just makes it more real and in the forefront now. I wonder if I am actually going insane. Will not go into details for reassurance but the thoughts just rip my soul out. Its so difficult as well because I will get random 'clarity moments' throughout the day where I feel like Ive solved something, then get completely derailed by another OCD thought stream and forget everything. It feels like Im just on a merry-go-round of hell, not going anywhere thinking I am at times.

i’ve been dealing with SOCD for 5 years and truly believe it has altered my life completely😀. i haven’t been properly diagnosed but the child therapist I had when i was in hs kind of hinted to me i had something more than just plain anxiety. i’ve also dealt with intrusive thoughts all throughout my childhood and as my family life got worse my anxiety got worse annnd i started getting more and more thoughts that wouldn’t leave me. I remember spending months not swallowing right and practically starving myself bc i kept thinking i was going to choke. i also rmbr spending months worrying ab death and dying EVERYDAY. it woke up with horrible anxiety and it was all i could think about. i can still rmbr sitting in my grandpas chair and just staring off and thinking “im going to die one day” “idk what’s going to happen” “is god real” “i don’t want to die” “what if there is no heaven” and so on. when the socd thoughts started i was 15. i searched around online for help and found reddit and i was like “omg yes finally people who understand and are going through EXACTLY what im going through.” finding that community and this app has helped me so much. anyway i had such a horrible time during my teenage years bc of all the intrusive thoughts about my sexuality, my relationship (glad that’s over), and some other things here and there. i was so so depressed and i felt no one around me understood how fucking awful i felt. i woke up everyday anxious, depressed, numb, and exhausted. when i started college i told my old therapist that even tho im extremely afraid of death i just didnt like living. i would cry in my car before class and just sob ab how awful i felt. although my mental health has gotten SO much better as time went on and the thoughts haven’t been as frequent im definitely not doing well. i am literally stuck. i’m still in college but i don’t know what to do with myself. those years of anxiety and depression have left me STUCK. im so much happier? and i can manage the thoughts way better but i don’t want to do anything. i only talk to 2 friends (literally lost so many great friendships), i RARELY drive bc im afraid ill die in a car crash (only to school and back), i don’t go out, i don’t ask for help at school, i avoid conversations, i avoid ppl in general, i don’t put in that much effort into school, i don’t have hobbies, i don’t want to do anything, i literally have the worst social anxiety now, im afraid of everything. i feel like the only reason im “ok” now is bc i’ve avoided literally everything. i’ve basically spent three years of my life doing nothing. i’m not happy with where i am in my life but im so scared to do anything. i miss who i was before all of this. i’ve been dealing with anxiety all my life and ik my childhood and early teen years made me like this. i didn’t know how to deal with the things i went through/saw as a little kid and i guess everything exploded in my teen years. but i want to be better i want to start LIVING. i’m definitely happier than before but im not living. what frustrates me is i refuse to do anything about it. i know a big reason why i don’t experience as many intrusive thoughts is bc i avoid everything 😭. ik what i have to do to get better and turn my life around BUT I WONT DO ANYTHING. idk how to explain this but its not laziness i feel like my body is exhausted. i think im just so traumatized from feeling so fucking horrible for so many years i just shut down ykwim?? i don’t have any libido, i don’t find ppl attractive, i can’t get myself to do the things im interested in (so many books r piled on my floor), i rot all day, i push off my responsibilities till the last minute, i can’t even get myself to go on a small walk. i don’t know where i was going w this but if someone who’s going through the same thing sees this ur not alone. i just needed to get this out. hopefully one day things will get better.

I finally found the courage to seek a psychiatrist last week, when I got there I was nervous for obvious reasons and felt a bit guilty. I met the doctor and don’t get me wrong he was very nice and knowledgeable in the bigger scope of mental health. Asked me questions of depression, anxiety, if I see things others don’t etc.. However, while we went through the assessment I did not receive a formal “diagnosis” and seemed as though he came to the determination what I have is general anxiety disorder. I don’t disagree, I know I have anxiety! However, when it came to the point where we were wrapping it up I had a “BUT WAIT” moment. I explained I was a part of an OCD community where I had previously been doing therapy to manage OCD. He asked “well why OCD?” I replied, “I have constant thoughts very repetitive thoughts that follow a theme and they are extremely persistent.” It was then I knew I couldn’t let down the walls and go into depth, as I knew he wouldn’t understand. To validate what I already knew, I said “I have constant fears and worries about my children, myself, and religion. I think about these things all day long. In order to free myself from the feeling I have to say a specific phrase or word in my head.” He said “well yea that’s normal to have worries and fears about your family, your religion” and so forth. The feeling of disappointment is an under statement, this is more than just “anxiety” this is something that I struggle with daily and to have a professional discredit my daily fight was off putting. Not his fault, it demonstrates the lack of knowledge for OCD and treatment many of us have to face. Sorry for the rant, sometimes we just have to advocate for ourselves.. 🌸