Some days ago I had the realization that my cats weren't going to stay forever with me. They reached a certain age and it won't be very long until they pass away. Today these thoughts spiralized into the fear of losing my mum. We didn't make any special memories. I don't have a lot of photos with her. I'm actually crying as I write this. The realization that my mum isn't going to stay with me forever hit me hard. That she too is going to pass away. I don't want to forget her face, her voice. Doesn't that frighten you? Forgetting the very person you love? Even a photo or a video wouldn't do justice to a person's entire existence. There isn't a perfect way to remember every single detail of someone. And if you forget one detail, that it's gone forever, because you're responsible of holding the memories alive of thar someone. Even if you had a photo that would be just it. It wouldn't be enough, or anything remotely close to having that person beside you. It wouldn't bring them back. I don't really to know how to put this in words. Maybe it has something to do with perfectionism ocd. That I want the perfect memory

you’re not. i promise. that’s what ocd wants you to think. if you worry about it or are afraid of it, it means you are a good, well-functioning human being. bad people don’t panic over this stuff. it’ll be okay.

@kittea My mum entered in my room because she was worried about me and I found myself panicking and crying more. I told her to leave my room. Then I thought "am I faking this? Am I overreacting my emotions to be pitied?" "Can I just stop crying at my will?" I tried and I immediately stopped crying and the contracted muscles of my face became relaxed, my expression became normal. I feel so fake. I think I'm putting some kind of a show to validate and exaggerate what I'm going through. I made my mum worry again, and this time seriously, I could see a desperate look on her face. I feel lost, hopeless and pathetic. I feel numb, I know I'm defective. I don't feel real.

@Nameless000 Even the way I write feels theatrical and fake.

@Nameless000 are you talking to a therapist? i have been here before and therapy really helped. i would have out-of-body experiences when crying and be able to shut it off very easily and it felt bone-chilling. you are here, you are real, you are valid.

@kittea I've been seeing a psychologist for a while, she's kind and all but she hasn't turned out to be what I was really searching for. Thank you for your compassion, it helped me alleviate some of the pain. But I'm hopeless now. I'm too far gone. I'm not even diagnosed so I don't know if these intrusive thoughts are truly intrusive or not. But it doesn't change the disgusting nature of these thoughts, what I am, and the fact that I'm determinated by them. Thank you nonetheless for taking your time to reply to me. I really appreciate it. You're a kind person.

@Nameless000 i promise you aren’t too far gone—i have been exactly in your shoes far too many times and you deserve to show yourself the same kindness and grace you say i am giving you. please try to find a new psychologist or therapist who can help you come up with coping mechanisms to fight this. don’t let it win. i promise you got this. it’s so easy to feel like you can never come back from this but that’s exactly what it wants you to think.