- Username
- idont241
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I’m virtually holding your hand, @idont241. I’ve been where you are and i know it’s so dark. I wish I could give you a hug because I know the agony. I’m literally crying right now cause I’m just so sad- none of us deserve this.
@idont241 The thoughts will never go away, we just have to be able to not pay them any attention. I’ve seen all your posts and I identify them with every single one of them but only with guys. It’s driving me crazy as well. But we will get over this, I’ve been where you are right now but I’m having it worse. I no longer feel anxious by my gay thoughts, they even seem “pleasurable”. My head is thrown in a cycle saying “see, no anxiety. You’re gay” but If I was gay I would have no problem with it. It’s just it doesn’t feel right to me. We will get over this. Trust me. My brain is creating false memories and feelings as well.
It is so hard right now. I don’t know anything. I can’t look at a straight couple anymore without being filled with anxiety and thoughts. My head hurts so much from crying. I am done with this. I don’t know who i am capable of loving. All of my normal rituals I did to try to distract myself are gone because I am in a total different country right now. Thinking is so hard now. I used to be this happy person now I am not. I literally think every woman is good looking now. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me
I am just so lost right now. I feel numb
I read it. My head keeps telling me I’ll like these thoughts one day. I am so confused. I can’t even hear anyone talk about relationships without turning so anxious
Idont241 it s OCD ! Don t worry about that you have to stop thinking about and convince yourself it s just OCD I ve been there too and I surpass it. Leah25 yes none of us deserve this :'(
Don t say that :( we can do it !! Sometimes we fall but we recover !
I don’t think I’ll ever recover tho. I am so lost, I can’t feel what’s real and what’s not. I don’t even recognize myself. I am so tired
I m so tired too so so so so sooooo tired but I fall and i rise always always for yeaaaaaars
you will recover! don’t say that , your letting your ocd get the best of you right now , don’t let it show ocd who’s boss!!
We can do it !!!! We have noo choice !!! We have to deal with it
I’m constantly thinking about hocd thoughts. What if I’m gay? What if you like her? Blah blah things like that, I can’t tell if it’s ocd anymore. Like deep down I know, and some days I know all the time I’m straight. I don’t like girls, I never have. So why can’t I just get it through my head? I’m tired of it. I literally can’t tell anymore
Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).
Everything just sucks. I identify as a masculine lesbian, but I’m having intrusive thoughts about being bisexual. My problem though is that when I go on tik tok or instagram, I see masculine women identify as bisexual. This is a problem to me because these are women who you’d look at and think “oh she’s definitely gay”, but she’s not because she’s actually bi. During this whole hocd thing I tried so hard to look and act gay and masculine, while still being myself, because I wanted people to know that I’m gay. But if there are masculine women identifying as bi, what would people think about me?? What if I am bi?? What if I’m just a masculine bisexual?? These thoughts are really triggering because every time I see a masculine identifying bisexual, I think “what if I’m not a masculine lesbian, what if I’m a masculine bisexual?” What if these thoughts I’m having are supposed to tell me “you’re not gay like you think you are, you’re just a masculine bisexual”? Is this normal?? I don’t know what to do anymore. Honestly, I just feel like giving up and giving in. I really don’t know if I can take it anymore. I just don’t know who I am anymore.
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