My ocd is that I’m afraid about potentially thinking a violent thought so I constantly check to see if I am thinking one which, of course, makes me imagine all the thoughts I DONT want to think. Then I go straight into “what is wrong with me” mode. Am I messed up for having a random violent thought from time to time or is this normal for people?

Wow...thank you so much for your response, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your vulnerability and kindness. Do you think it is normal to have a thought like that about people you love? That is what is haunting me—I was very stressed earlier this year, and my fiancé and I were watching a scary show. in a moment of anxiety I thought “oh god, what if I thought something violent about my fiancé? How could I ever forgive myself? Does thinking this now mean I deep down am evil and want to do something bad to him?” This completely horrified me I plunged into “how could you think something bad about the person you love, you don’t deserve love at all.” All from the simple “what if I thought x, y, z”. I just feel like I’m a monster because I’d do anything to keep him safe, and when I get a random negative thought I feel like I’m a fraud....sorry to unload all that on you; I started a new exposure and it’s been a difficult evening:(

I was babysitting for this new family earlier and I randomly got the thought “wow I really could just stab their children, I’m fully in control right now”. That thought means nothing about me. I love babies. Those kids were great. The 5 year old kept snuggling me and it was literally the best. I don’t have harm ocd, but I have all the same kinds of thoughts that someone with harm ocd does. The key difference between us is who lets those thoughts define them, versus who doesn’t. And don’t get me wrong, I still have ocd so I know EXACTLY what it means to let thoughts define you. So I also know it takes endless reminders to understand that these thoughts have nothing to do with who we are as people.

https://www.intrusivethoughts.org/ocd-symptoms/harm-ocd/

I totally understand!! Of course it’s totally normal to have these thoughts about someone you love. That’s the only reason why they keep coming back! Cause you’re brain is like “wait wait wait wait- what was THAT?!?”. Your ocd brain wants you to IMMEDIATELY address the scary thing that just happened. If thinking a violent thought completely out of the blue about your fiancé makes you secretly evil, I must be a MONSTER for thinking about killing a baby right? WRONG. A thought is simply something that fills spaces in time that is unequivocally, unreservedly ambiguous. There is a full moon today, and I’m currently watching the ending scene in front of the full moon in the movie “nightmare before Christmas”. My brain automatically associated those two. However “Austin, Texas” and “The Nightmare Before Christmas” have absolutely nothing to do with each other. You were sitting next to your fiancé, while watching something scary happening and your brain associated the two because you were watching the same movie together. Does the “violent, scary idea” and “your fiancé” have anything to do with each other?? Absolutely not! They just happened to occur at the same time- your brain just happened to associate them. You can’t TELL your amygdala that you love your fiancé to smithereens- it just responds to scary things that you think. It doesn’t care who it’s about. The fact that you feel afraid of what this means- does NOT mean it means anything. I don’t know if that made any sense at all but I hope you understand❤️