- Username
- leham
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I'll start this one off. I use to have this ocd. I seem to go from one ocd to the other. But this I use to struggle with. I use to think I was a lesbian. And I'd obsess about it every day. My family hates gay people, so back then it was the worst thing I could think of that I could be. (I completely accept gay people, just my family doesn't, some of them). I use to think my family would find out. I'd never like any posts related to being gay, I felt uncomfortable around gay people. I was so convinced I was a lesbian. I felt like I was faking my attraction towards men. Well, now, I am over this ocd. I like more posts about gay people, even share them. I experimented with a friend of mine, and I now realise I am not even an ounce lesbian. I can appreciate a womans beauty, and now I'm comfortable being straight, I would even kiss a girl and not feel confused. Maybe I'll even do some more experimenting, letting them know that's all I'm wanting. Because I know I'm straight and I'm comfortable being straight.
I was afraid of sex as a young person for my own reasons, but my brain is obsessed with the fact that it thinks im into women. My body doesnt respond to them sexually, but my brain keeps basically holding me at gunpoint telling me im actually repressing my "real urges and desires". It forces me to think about kissing them, doing sexual things with them and it only kills my libido, makes me sad, and anxious. I never sought out porn of women ever in the past because it just never aroused me or interested me. (Im a gay man before anyone gets nervous). My intrusive thoughts are always about how, because of my rocky dating past and fear of sex as a young person (that i had for good reason) that im just "repressing my true nature". I apparently have a crush on every woman i know, and its all just viciously strong anxiety. No matter what i do my brain just keeps telling me ill "unlock the secret to my attraction" nd that "im the one thats keeping it from fully forming". Theres so much, but it just feels like my brain literally will not allow me to think about men anymore and it drives me insane.
Thank you so much for sharing that!!! I’m so happy that you were able to work through that. Just to be safe though for anyone else- that might not be the best way to handle it (just because it could become even more confusing/ cause more obsessions). But I am SO glad you were able to overcome these obsessions!!❤️❤️
I handled it before I experimented. I knew I liked guys again when my anxiety lowered with my second boyfriend. So I was 100% sure that I wasn't totally lesbian at that point. I stopped obsessing about it 8 months ago roughly. But only recently I realised I'm straight. I'm almost 20 and I had those thoughts since I was 8 up until 8 months ago... Thanks for all these posts, I feel like these will help a lot of people ❤️❤️❤️
Oh yeah, I'll add as well that it all started when I hated my body. I prayed and said I absolutely hated my vagina and I don't know how a boy could ever like me. That was as young as 8. I prayed that I would start to understand why men like women and I'd start to love my own female body. So that's when I started to become attracted to the same sex. It got more real from 12 upwards and day in day out all that kept popping into my head was I am a lesbian and I'm ganna end up having no kids and my family will desert me. Now if I thought I was a lesbian, I wouldn't feel as bad as I did back then about it. People either accept you or they don't. I also may add that to be honest, thinking I was just a lesbian for all those years has made me appreciate my body much more.
hey do you still have this app?
@Gfaux Thank you so much for sharing that. I know tons of people, including myself, relate to all of that. It’s agonizing, but not impossible to heal from. I’m doing it with you❤️
@MissLovely I’m sorry- I misunderstood! That is such a long time to be battling with this. I can relate to so many things you’ve said- thank you for being my inspiration!!
My gender and sexuality can feel completely incompatible, like who I need to be as a person and the kind of people I want to be around don’t have any overlap, so that sucks. Thinking about letting anyone regardless of gender see my body as me or try to get through my barriers or even be attracted to my body makes me so scared and uncomfortable. Sexual intrusive thoughts mess it up further :/
I used to obsess about being a virgin and that I would never be appealing to anyone bc of it. That then transformed into me forcing myself to look at other women to figure out if I was gay or not.
They thought “you’re a lesbian” doesn’t leave my head all day long. I always feel so anxious. I started noticing pretty girls because I was so insecure about myself, so I compared myself to them and that’s what my ocd is using against me. Now I have to look at every single woman or man to see if I am attracted, and If i am not my ocd tells me it’s because i am gay. Now i can’t even imagine myself being with a guy. I see couples on the street and my head is always like “ok, so, who are you attracted to in that relationship”. And when I finally don’t find a woman attractive, my head starts imagining all these scenarios that I find disgusting. Well, I don’t even know if I find them disgusting because I am on that stage of my ocd when it’s hard to describe what I feel or know what I feel. That’s why it’s so hard for me to write this down. Also, my sister has a boyfriend and she is always very touchy with him, so my head is always like “you’ll never get that” “you don’t like that so that’s why you’ll never get a boyfriend” and then it’s starts imagining what would my life be if I had a girlfriend and i i was doing everything that my sister is doing with her boyfriend. And when I am finally attracted to a guy I have to think about what our life would be if we got married, and I I didn’t like that, well I am gay. That’s what my head keeps telling me. I was always disgusted by sex, and now my ocd is using that against me saying that I will enjoy it more with a woman. This is so hard. It’s hard to know because now I don’t even know how I feel, I just feel stuff and it’s yes to recall them or write them down, so that’s why it’s so hard for me to do this right now.
A little clarification on my (and many others’) experience with HOCD. Yes, “I don’t care what my sexuality is, I just wanna know for sure” makes the case for HOCD stronger and more ‘qualified’ sounding- however that is not the only HOCD can manifest. Saying that, can trigger some HOCD sufferers who are simply weary of identifying as lgbtq (an understandable fear). Do NOT get me wrong however. I would do ANYTHING for my friends who are bi and gay. I love them SO dearly and will fight for them for forever. Lgbtq folk who struggle with their identities, and not being loved by the people who are supposed to love them no matter what- INSPIRE me with their resilience. Their strength. Their confidence to live out who they are to the fullest extent. I watched the movie Love, Simon and cried like a baby, and am incredibly excited that Pete Buttigieg is the USA’s first openly gay presidential candidate. However this does not discount the struggles that many lgbtq people face. So many are not accepted by their families, have extremely difficult life transitions, and agonize over coming out. These are not things that people willingly want to go through. Is is completely unreasonable for someone suffering with HOCD to also fear these things? As an example (I’m black)- there is a difference in saying that you wouldn’t want to be black because you believe we are less than, versus saying that you wouldn’t want to struggle with the same things that we do. Just because you understand the trials and tribulations that black people go through in this country and would not want that for yourself, does NOT mean you are racist. It simply means you understand that there is pain. And no human willingly wants pain. Although these are exact things lgbtq people have to deal with (making HOCD distinctly different from most other pure o themes because it becomes impossible to differentiate us from people actually struggling with their identity) it shouldn’t be ignored that HOCD sufferers fear them too! Why wouldn’t we? This is such a deep rooted issue for sufferers because, where you could say someone who is suffering with POCD would never hurt a child simply because their thoughts horrify them (and a real pedophile wouldn’t be scared of their thoughts) you can’t say the same for HOCD. For some of us HOCD people who have these specific fears, it’s even more difficult to trust that what we have is ocd and it’s even more difficult to explain to someone else that what we have is ocd. I’ve had different themes of OCD throughout my life and the obsessive and compulsive behaviors have been the same, but this one makes me feel like I don’t even get to qualify. What a mind-fuck for us, huh? Also understand, this definitely isn’t my only fear. I have been attracted to, day-dreamed about, and desperately wanted to be with one gender my entire life. Having a husband was something I’ve wanted for so very long. It IS a part of who I am and what I want. It’s distressing to think this could all be lost one day. To have these ‘dreams’ stolen by obsessive thoughts, and be made to believe that it was all a lie- is just as hard to deal with as any other form of ocd. When I envision the life that ocd is telling me I “actually” want- I’m filled with sadness. How do any of the rest of you deal with your ocd telling you that you want (or want to do) something- that you actually don’t? I know this can be controversial, and truly truly hope I do not offend anyone- lgbtq friends, I truly do love you. I just want everyone to know that what we can struggle with within each theme, can be very different- but none are any less important or qualified than the others. If you truly disagree and want to share, please be kind. I am just as fragile as a lot of us on here. I’m suffering too.
I’m a lesbian and I constantly have intrusive thoughts that being who I am is bad morally. Also, feel like sometimes I am attracted to men but I know I am not. Is there anyone with a similar experience? Whenever the thoughts come I feel stressed. Sorry, if Thai triggered anyone.
Curious to hear how other peoples intrusive thoughts come up in regards to this theme? I constantly have an “I’m gay” replaying in my head and it’s the first thing that sometimes plays in my head when I wake up. I can’t tell if this is an intrusive thought or if I’m just in denial with myself. It doesn’t really give me anxiety anymore like it used to. More sadness/ state of depression and just overall annoyance. I’m in a relationship and when I started to date my current bf is when all of this came up for me. Curious to hear other people’s experiences with the kind of thoughts they have. Granted I have been dealing with this since about Nov of 2022 or maybe even earlier and it feels like I’ve had an array of intrusive thoughts. Quite frankly I also don’t have an OCD diagnosis but a previous therapist I had(not an OCD specialist) told me that I just have GAD with OCD personality and traits.
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