- Date posted
- 3y
Do I have OCD?
Hi I'm a 22 year old student and I have been experiencing (what I think are) OCD symptoms since I was a child. I've never been diagnosed, I asked my mum if I could be when I was a teenager and she told me it was "all in my head". Ever since I've felt too busy with studies and too poor to reach out to a therapist, leading to a lot of doubts about whether I could actually have OCD. So I've come here to find out if anyone can relate to my experiences. The first memory I could link to OCD was when I was about 9 years old, I'd call out to my parents "I love you" and I would repeat this until I got the exact phrase "I love you too" back. Any time I heard someone leaving the bathroom id have to repeat it again, and understandably my parents found it quite annoying. Moving onto my teenage years, I suffered with compulsions such as touching the gum under the school desks, placing my phone on charge in an exact position, I had to feel the same pressure under each foot before I lifted them up into my bed, I touched around the whole bedframe because I thought "touch wood" and all my anxieties would go away, and I re-write over words until the ink started bleeding through the page and then smudged the ink because I couldn't handle it being wet on the page (safe to say my teacher told me to stop using a fountain pen). I also started obsessively making lists and structuring things like playlists to fit every memory or song. I remember having a panic attack with a friend because I wasn't sure if I should like the CDs my mum used to lisyen to when I was a kid on Spotify because I was scared I would forget them otherwise. During these years I also suffered maintaining relationships, I would often accuse my partners of not loving me enough. I didn't know relationship OCD was a thing until I found this app, and I do have a lot of anxieties outside of ocd which could contribute to this experience, but I thought it was worth mentioning. I got fed up with a lot of my symptoms by the age of 16 and tried to go "cold turkey" on them. It was extremely stressful. I found ways of coping such as using a wooden bracelet instead of my wooden bedframe, but I don't think I ever found a true sense of understanding or relief from my compulsions. I also struggled with having to know where everything is placed. I can't say I've ever in my life had a messy room, everything is always meticulous and I often panic when things are moved. This has become more prominent since living in a student home. I definitely have a higher need for cleanliness, order and routine than my housemates. Nowdays I often hit my fists (gently) on my head in patterns of 8 when I feel anxious, especially when I'm thinking of things I can't control. I still have my need for structure and lists, and I still have the need to place things in specific ways. Sometimes I think being hyper organised has been good for my degree, I am definitely a "do-er" because of my compulsions, though I do struggle mostly. It takes a lot of energy out to re-write my notes again and again because the ink does look even enough, though the information does sink in because of it. This isnt a full list of symptoms, just the ones that come to mind now. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this, I'd really appreciate if you could let me know if you share any of my experiences. I do intend on seeking a diagnosis once I've graduated, but for now I think it would heavily reduce my imposter syndrome if someone could share their thoughts. Update: it's ironic that the share button took me to a message saying I shouldn't ask for reassurance since it is a form of compulsion. Maybe this post is a compulsion in itself then? In light of this, I'm not expecting anyone to tell me whether I have OCD or not, I was planning on leaving that to a professional anyway. But it seems a shame to delete this post, so if anyone wants to use it to share advice or feel less alone then I'll leave it up for that.