MAJOR trigger warning

Sorry you're dealing with that, please know you're not alone here. Couldnt say how to avoid the thoughts entirely, but the trick (which I am learning but have not yet mastered) is not to react to those thoughts. Some methods might be to hear those thoughts as coming from a really annoying neighbor who is a jerk but ultimately can't do anything to you, so you kinda just go, "yeah whatever frank, maybe try getting a life". Or maybe you go for what I'm trying, basically just treating it like ambient noise. I hear the wind but it doesn't change how I go about my day, I hear those thoughts but they don't change how I go about my day, and they have no power. They aren't coming from me, and they aren't part of me. Whatever method works for you, the idea is to take the teeth out of the thoughts, turn them into a grouchy, toothless old dog that like to bark at the mailman but ultimately can't do anything but bark

I don’t know how to appropriately address “SOCD,” but I can speak to the fighting part. I think anyone with moderate or severe ocd has thoughts of self harm (let’s call it) at one point or another. I’ve had them for many years. Well over a decade. And never come close to making a plan or anything dangerous. It’s always the way you describe it: I’m just absolutely tired of my mind. I’m sick of it. I want it to shut up and leave me alone and I don’t want to keep having to fight. The core of what makes ocd so hard to fight is that it’s a passive kind of fighting. You can’t fight it directly. You can’t argue with the thoughts, try to get rid of them, or act compulsively. All the usual ways we “fix” problems which cause anxiety only make this worse! So we end up fighting for our lives to be free and literally all of our fighting makes ocd stronger. It’s a circle in hell. Even once you realize that you have to stop fighting and accept uncertainty and do nothing—no engaging the thoughts, no getting rid of them, just accepting that they are thoughts and choosing to act in some meaningful way—it’s still a fight with your mind. Because your mind has been trained to respond to ocd as if it were real and important. Now you have to consciously correct your brain and say, “No, brain. We aren’t doing this.” And that is exhausting. I think people grossly underestimate the physical exhaustion involved in ocd. Constant fight-or-flight wears you out. So it makes total sense why this is hard for us and why at times we want to give up. But I’m telling you that you will be okay. I’m not saying that your fears will never be realized (that would be reassurance!). I’m just saying that your existence is a gift, even when it feels like a curse. I’m sorry it is also a burden to carry. But you can get through this. You’ll need to accept suffering, but if you get treatment and commit to it, you’ll look back on this moment one day and thank God that you never acted on those thoughts. Trust me. I’ve been there many many times. I can recall sitting in a college classroom ruminating about jumping off a roof, ignoring the lecture and fixating on this ideation because it felt better than ruminating on my actual obsession. I was so depressed and desperate and hopeless. I felt damned. And the thing is, I look back on that ocd theme and laugh. What a ridiculous fear! It was so irrational! And to think that I considered, even for a second, ending my life for something so petty and meaningless. Keep your head up. You will get through this. Don’t worry, feel guilty, or freak out when you get these thoughts. Just have some self compassion. What you are living through is very difficult. You will feel hopeless at times. But trust that you are not hopeless and act. Keep acting. Keep moving towards healing with the help of a specialist. I said a prayer for you. And I’m sorry.