I’ve been so tired lately my anxiety is so crazy my ocd triggers in my home make me feel like I’m just surrounded by contaminates I feel like I’m in constant stress I want to leave to get away from the house but get nervous bout leaveing my home and then I no I gotta come back here I can’t seem to get off my phone to lay down I just keep prolonging it till it’s so late I make myself lay down then I’m up all nite I wake up round 4 to 5 in the evening I’m still exhausted and I gotta do it all over again I love wit my bf who is aware of my ocd and wat has caused me stress lately but since it’s been 3 months since the contaminate was brought into my home I think he feels like it’s over for me but it’s still contaminated to me and trying to avoid haveing objects not touch the contaminated stuff in my home is impossible I’m just so stressed and I no my bf try’s to help he bought me an old vacuum from the thrift store to use instead of mine so I don’t contaminate my vacuum and have to clean it everytime I use it and I’m glad he was thinking of me but I don’t want to vaccum the contaminated carpet I feel like it’s just rolling over contaminates and just spreading everywere on the carpet I had to pretend I liked it and had to vacuum otherwise he would’ve vacuumed and vacuumed in places I wouldn’t want him to contaminate I no it sounds like he’s helping but he’s not and some stuff bothers me like certain sprays and other stuff and I told him all my ocd stuff that I can’t help it untill I get help and I’ve told him several times like I can’t use this and that cause my ocd he eventually zoned out and doesn’t listen so when he brings stuff here that I don’t like and does stuff nice for me I just pretend I’m glad i had to pretend prior to me telling him bout my ocd I’ve had to pretend I don’t like certain foods and drinks and clothes cause my ocd affects those things if I open a present and it’s clothes that are a color I can’t wear I just pretend witout even thinking but deep down I’m so sad that I can’t tell them I can’t wear it that I’m upset my ocd is so stupid and hard on me that I can’t wear a piece of clothing for so many years I’ve had to do things as if I was normal and like it doesn’t bother me but I’m my head all these things just upset me and bother my ocd years of pretending even touching stuff that my ocd doesn’t like something that I feel like I need to wash my hands when I touch I have to pretend and just touch it and panick till I can wash my hands I just thought when I told everyone bout all my ocd that it’s make it easier and have less triggers by others but it’s just the same I’m just so tired I tried for months to get ocd help but there’s nothing near me and nowere that accepts my insurance it made me feel even worse calling places explaining over and over again bout my ocd and just being denied now I’m in bed late I’m wakeing up late my bf switched from seconds to third shift so I’m up on his schedule I can’t get up to try to call anywere if I don’t get rest my anxiety’s worse I finally ended up going to the mental health place we’re I live which none of them are trained to treat ocd they just prescribe an antidepressant and move on they put me on 2 different meds in a couple weeks changed my first one in just a few days of takeing it the next meds made me sick for weeks so that made everything worse I just went there to just start something to make myself feel better till I could get into an ocd place I can’t try to tackle my ocd feeling like this if I could just get medication to help me relax help me leave my fucking home give me some relief so I don’t feel like my entire body’s tense and feel sick all the time from my anxiety I could atleast get some relief now I’m so tired of my ocd of myself of my life of these stupid doctors who can’t medicate me who can’t understand ocd and it’s being a crippling anxiety illness I just wish I had someone here wit ocd someone to call like they do in na classes for drug addicts like a sponser it shouldn’t be this hard tp get help I shouldn’t feel so alone I shouldn’t have to pretend that I’m normal and that things don’t bother me I shouldn’t have to get special help cause these doctors aren’t trained in treating ocd when is things gonna get better for ppl wit ocd.

My ocd has been at an extreme all time high the past 2 weeks and I am in dire need of some relief. I’m not sleeping right anymore. for context: I live in the south and found a springtail on my sheets about 2 weeks ago. This was like 2 days before our bug guy came and sprayed (it’s a normal maintenance thing here) so it’s a common bug down here and I’ve found them all over different areas of the house before. Finding it in my bed sent me on a bit of a spiral bc I started to doubt if it even was a springtail and that i was wrong and that it was a bed bug, not trusting my brain. It was a bad, sleepless night and carried over continuing feelings. Typical ocd stuff. Well two days later, I’m a nurse and I had a patient that actually had bed bugs. This wasn’t the first day they were here and I did not see any myself but it still freaked me out. There had one 2 founds after visitors came the day before. Of course I wore PPE in the room (coveralls shoe covers and hair net) going in and took everything off before exiting the room. When I came home I stripped in my garage and bagged everything down to my shoes. Threw everything in the wash and did multiple cycles. There were no other steps I could take but I still had a terrible night. Hours of ruminating and going back and forth about tracing my tracks, thinking of new ways I could’ve taken one home with me. Just checking everything. I was already on a spiral from the springtail. Having two such back to back triggering events for me so closely related has made me deteriorate significantly. I was already doing bad with my normal OCD and starting therapy here. I obsess over the thought of having bedbugs constantly and haven’t been able to sleep. I am constantly checking my bed while in it and can’t settle down. My bed is heavy too and I keep hurting myself lifting my mattress to check. But I need to check. I’ve become obsessed. I check everything and go down Reddit rabbit holes looking for new things. And of course, I talk myself into it every time. I can’t take it anymore, it’s bleeding off into other parts of my life like friendship and marriage because I am so high anxiety right now. I need relief so bad. I’ve never felt this unstable to be honest. I feel like even someone without ocd would be really struggling with this topic, nevermind me, with ocd to a point where I just started treatment. These aren’t even my normal intrusive thoughts and compulsive acts. It’s just taken on a life in the last week and I can’t find any sign that it’s going to slow down. when I think rationally I know I did everything right to prevent but I can’t shake it. 💔

(Long post warning) Hi, I’ve been struggling with severe OCD for six years now. it started in 2019 with my theme being getting sick/emetophobia. it devastated my life. I almost didn’t graduate high school from it. I remember washing my hands for three hours one day until they were nearly bloody while crying and asking why I could not stop doing it. I remember id have to write and rewrite sentences when I did my English homework and that’s why I nearly failed that class. I remember how I would spend up to thirty minutes to an hour pacing the halls of my apartment while my mom was asleep until I neutralized the thoughts about throwing up and I could finally go to bed. I don’t know when it happened, but my theme switched. Sometimes in late 2020 or early 2021, it switched to POCD. It started with a single thought, and I focused on it and it’s been my theme since then for four years. It has been absolutely destroying me. I feel so disgusted and lost and just tired. My compulsions are severe now. I thought they were bad before, but now they’re ten times worse. I can’t eat, drink, change my clothes, walk, or even do things on my phone normally. I’ve developed so many mental compulsions that it’s so intricate and complicated yet at the same time I’ve done them so much that they’ve become normal. An example I have is if im putting on a shirt and I have a “bad” thought, I have to take it off and put it back on two more times (that’ll make it 3 times I put the shirt back on - odd numbers are my safe number). I have to have a good thought on the third time otherwise I have to take it off and put it on two more times to make it five times I put on that shirt. If not that then I just put on a different shirt because the original is now tainted with my bad thought. I can’t open apps on my phone. It’s with the numbers again. If I open TikTok once while having a bad thought - I have to close it and open it two more times and so on. Sometimes I do it up to 30 times. So I just don’t do things usually. I don’t turn on the TV because I know I’ll redo it. I don’t open a book or grab it off my shelf because I’ll have to repeat the action. I can’t even lay in bed without getting up and redoing it even if im exhausted. I just feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do. I feel disgusting and even now my minds screaming at me that I am dirty and what I think is true. I just wish I was free of this, I wish I could just live my life. I’ve wasted hours and days because of my compulsions. I mask it so well around my friends. I don’t do them in front of anyone or I’ve learned to hide it well. But when im back home alone, it goes haywire. I just want to live again.

This is going to sound crazy but I guess I am. For over a year now I’ve suffered from ocd. And I always thought ocd was just I turned the door the wrong way but it’s so much more. I feel as if I’ll never get better. I’m in a relationship, for 8 months now with the most encouraging and supportive boyfriend ever. I tell him all of my thoughts and he understands and accepts because he understands it’s not thoughts I mean to have. I feel so awful being the way I am and being with him. I feel like I can’t be happy because it’s always something going on with me. He has a bigger family all boys, and everyone I hangout with my boyfriend and his brothers I get uncomfortable and weird and convince myself I have feelings for them or I want them. It makes me so disgusted and physically ill every time. The thoughts never go away and it’s not even about them it’s tons of things. I cry constantly because I can’t get the thoughts to go away. I can’t hang out with anybody out of fear I’ll have a thought I don’t want. I feel like I’m so alone. A year ago I felt the same way about my dad which I know is absolutely disgusting and I would never have feelings for my own family and dad, bit thoughts pop into my head. I don’t know if it’s because my brain wants a reason and answer as to why I think those things so I tell myself I like them, but I can’t shake it. I’m trying medicines and hopefully getting into therapy soon. I just don’t know if it ever is going to get better. Some days are better than others and every time I have a bad thought I get heat flashes and and my stomach hurts and I get anxiety and I just want it all to go away. I hate it so much and I feel as if I’ll never be normal again and never be able to live my life freely. I have to constantly worry about what my brain might come up with. These are not thoughts I want to have but somehow my brain has them and I feel so disgusted and I need help so badly. I never know what to do and i feel like an awful human being. I convince myself these things are try when I know they aren’t deep down. I’m losing my charachter and I’m losing myself and the person I know I am which would never have thoughts like these. I want it all to go away. Please tell me it gets better. I don’t recognize myself anymore.