How do you know it's a false memory/OCD and not something that actually happened? I feel like a terrible person. I'm a very creative person, and the more I stress about whether I did this bad thing the more it seems real. The worst part is is that I have no way of reassurance without sounding crazy. I have ROCD and I randomly started obsessing over the 7 months of our relationship whether or not I've cheated on him. Even though I love him more than anything and I would never do that! I'm constantly triggered by coworkers or classmates that I've previously found attractive or liked and/or I know they've liked me or flirted with me. I'm at the point now where I'm rereading simple texts/straightforward texts of these people asking me about school work or if I could cover a shift trying to find proof of something I can't remember. My partner knows about my OCD and is very understanding and supportive. I feel like I'm living a lie. When this first started my rational brain knew this wasn't real, but the more I become obsessed the more it becomes more distorted. I feel guilty for being happy. I just want to be guaranteed it's not real so I can move on with my life. It's moving to specific people now and it's scaring me how real it feels.

Despite the fact that I have never once acted flirtatiously with someone else over the course of my 3-year relationship, never talked to anyone inappropriately, never touched or interacted with anyone inappropriately, I have been battling constant ROCD obsessions centered around cheating ever since my partner and I got together. I am constantly worried about whether certain things are cheating: daydreaming about another person (already told my partner about this and he said it was okay and that he does it too), talking in a group chat with someone, sitting next to someone, speaking to them in person. I question my intentions. I worry that I cheated by wearing my hair a certain way in an attempt to look more attractive or by jokingly poking someone with a fake sword (despite doing it to other people too), looking through someone’s social media, etc. I have confessed so many ridiculous things to my partner and he’s always told me that none of them are cheating. I feel so guilty for being attracted to someone else, despite the fact that my partner said it was fine and normal. I have made a very very conscious effort to limit my interactions with this person. I never ever ever ever message them privately, I make an obsessive effort to NOT reply to their messages in a group server (constantly keeping track of the ratio of my replies to their messages compared to other people’s), to ignore them when I see them in person and hardly ever speak to them or initiate conversation with them. Yet I still feel like a disgusting dirty cheater who is hiding a big secret.

So I have been struggling with the same theme of ocd for 4 months now. My ocd centers around past events/false memories that ocd skews to make seem bad or it twists my thoughts on what my intentions were. this is related to cheating or being weird while I have been in my amazing relationship. I have never cheated on my partner and never will and I believe it is wrong. But my ocd is telling me other wise. I love my partner so very much and I would never want to hurt him but my brain is getting to me. I was getting better. I was trying “maybe I did, maybe I didn’t”, I have been back on meds and in therapy and I stopped confessing random interactions from years/months ago about 1.5 weeks ago and it really helped. But now I woke up this morning and feel the pit in my stomach again. I feel extra critical and like why would you do this? What does this say about you? What was your intention with this? And I’m just stuck mentally reviewing and ruminating on everything you could imagine. I know my personality and I know in the moment maybe I did find them attractive but mainly I was just being nice or funny or even just a good friend, but looking back now I’m like “was it flirting?” “Why did I still snap this person” “why would I even talk to them” and stuff like that. I feel this intense sense of guilt. I have told my partner everything that I keep getting stuck on and he didn’t care, he said he understands or “that’s a little weird but it’s okay” and hasn’t missed a beat. He said eveything I’ve told him is normal and I’ve heard that from my friends too. I just really need help. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am so disappointed because I thought I was gonna be done with this, so why am I still so worried and caught up in this.

ROCD: Hi all, I am brand new here. I have ROCD. Because of very long complex trauma and mistrust issues I have always thought that if I have a “perfect start” in my relationship I will be safe. A situation when two meet people meet and live happily ever after. I met my partner on hinge in Feb 2024- and at the time we were both attracted to eachother but things didn’t work out. He didn’t show up the way I needed him to and I was in a place in my life where I genuinely didn’t want to take any shit or settle or waste my time. He did keep reaching out but between stopping to reply to him in April and then later getting upset in June when I agreed to meet, and then he couldn’t make the time we had discussed- I was pretty frustrated for even giving him another chance and then just told him that that won’t work for me and I wasn’t really sure what to say. He stopped reaching out then. A couple months later he started reaching out again and I did ignore him but finally gave in in Nov 2024, decided to meet and then we started seeing eachother. We are both in a very very loving space and think it is a meant to be soulmate situation. We are in love. But my OCD has made me suffer to a point where my partner is also suffering. I was dating other people last year until we finally properly started dating and he didn’t date others but after the last time when I told him in June that I wasn’t sure what to say anymore and he stopped reaching out he did get with someone from his past a couple of times. I constantly get intrusive thoughts about why he stopped talking to me then, did he choose someone else over me, and everytime I think of that encounter he had with her I have a Panic attack. The truth is that he has never pursued anyone alongside or over me. He has told me that whenever I did give him a chance he always pursued me. He told me in June that when I responded the way I did he felt rejected, that I wasn’t interested, that I didn’t want him and so he stopped reaching out and tried to move on. He said that he obviously couldn’t stop thinking about me and even though he thought the door was shut he tried again later. He said the only reason he stopped reaching out was because he didn’t want to pester me when I clearly didn’t show any interest and thought he has lost his chance. I know for a fact that during that time I was in a boss girl era. In my I don’t settle for shit era and was so frustrated with his behaviour that I pretty much did want him to stop wasting me time and I was so done that there was no way I would have tried to make another time with him because I did think I deserved better. But my ROCD AND FALSE MEMORY OVD SAYS: did you actually shut the door? Did he just give up because you’re too much? Did he choose that girl over you? Why did he get with this girl ? What is your story? What is the reality and the truth? It’s consuming and messing me up. I know our story is as simple as boy meets girl- boy is going through stuff and girl doesn’t settle for what he can give at the time so doesn’t show interest and shuts the door. Boy really wants to pursue her but feels she doesn’t want him so tries to move on. They go their seperate ways, but later despite all odds the boy gains confidence to reach out again and after months of pursuit the girl finally agrees to another chance and when she does she doesn’t see the boy she initially shut the door on, she sees the man he has become and they fall deeply in love. It’s a Story of the girl who stood by her worth and value and never gave into anything less than what she deserved, and about a boy who worked very hard on himself and with perseverance and courage was able to finally show up for the woman he wanted to be with. It’s not a perfect story. And even though it’s beautiful MY ROCD gives me constant doubt and makes me feel constantly unsafe.