- Date posted
- 3y
Allowing new people to talk to me? Goals?
I want to preface this with a little background, and by saying; I’m not trying to come off as brash, because I know a lot of people struggle with physical and hygienic health while going through what we do. I don’t have many friends. Just 2, and they’re awesome. That being said, they are absolute hard-asses, and never in the 18 years that I’ve known them had any sort of mental roadbumps other than breakups(one failed their drivers test on their birthday which is so funny to me and that was definitely a road bump for him). I’m 21 years old, 6’2 and I take really good care of myself both physically and hygienically. My friends tell me that I’m the funny one in the group, and because of the combination of those things, people tend to gravitate towards me.. which I CANT stand. Everyone I meet I barely try to talk to, because it is so bothersome to talk to someone who seems normal while I’m having intrusive thoughts, feeling incredibly guilty, and having some OCD. Whenever we’re all hanging out, and a woman approaches me and introduces herself, I do everything in my power to finish the conversation as soon as possible. I feel bad for that, because being turned down, or ignored sucks, and I don’t want to be the reason a girl goes home and feels like she wasn’t pretty enough or interesting enough because I know the feeling. The other day, for the first time it what felt like forever, I saw this woman who I thought was beautiful. She had big curly hair, pretty brown eyes and a nice smile. We made eye contact, and she smiled. I smiled back at her which is uncharacteristic to how I’ve been for the past year or 2. Usually I would’ve just looked down at my watch, or looked at my hands as to avoid any unnecessary conversation. This time, I actually wanted to go and ask what her name was. Then it dawned on me that I have so many issues, so much baggage. I don’t even want to involve someone in what I have going on. I walked away and I feel so dumb cuz I’ll likely never see her again, but at the same time, I know I would’ve just been emotionally tiring for her. A little more context, for the goals portion; I’m very patriotic- and grew up idolizing Charlie Sheen in the Navy SEALs movie. My main goal growing up was to earn a special forces contract in the Navy. The idea didn’t even seem far fetched to me or my close circle. I was driven, I was willing to work for it, I wanted to blow stuff up and jump out of planes, and I love the constitution and would get my hands dirty if needed and do everything in my power to protect it. I had my first stint of major OCD, in 2019 when I was 19. I decided I’d take a little time to get myself healthy before I headed to boot camp which would’ve been hard considering I could barely leave my room. Fast forward about 2 years, things got progressively worse. I broke up with my girlfriend in the same week that I confessed everything that I’ve ever done that made me fe guilty in the 6 years that we were together(which a bulk of it happened as a teenager) and I regret it every day. I moved back in with my parents and I’m lucky that they support me the way that they do. Fast forward to now, and I get anxious and have full blown panic attacks from random things that pop up in every day life. I see a small child and think they’re adorable? Pedophile. Someone cuts me off in traffic and I want to punch them in the face? I’m a potential murderer. My cat hops on my lap? Beastiality. My best friend looks nice in their new jacket? Gay. Even though I know that OCD prays on my morals, How would I be able to confidently go on an operation with all that going on and be sure I wouldn’t mess up when American lives were at stake. How would I be able to handle the baggage that comes with war or lack of sleep because of the former. I’m not even sure I could pass mental screening for special forces at this point in my life. I feel like I’ve messed up everything in my life. I’m afraid of kids, so I don’t want to be a father. I’m afraid of hurting a girl with my own baggage, so I don’t want a girlfriend. I’m afraid of getting an anxiety attack and getting an American killed, so I don’t want to follow my dreams and attempt to become a SEAL. I don’t know if this post was asking for advice, or just to vent. I don’t need reassurance, but damn I needed to get that off my chest. If I am looking for advice it’s more about how do I go about letting new people into my life with OCD?