Please help, I’m desperate

Hey you seem to have good advice i am struggling too could you help me… The last few days were good cause i was usually distracted a lot due to my exams and things but the only thing now telling me this could be ocd is the fact that 3 years ago and like till 6 months ago I panicked at these thoughts which i now think are fake and like its some way of my mind tricking me into thinking its ocd and not denial cause i made a good friend in college and she is cute and sweet and we became friends pretty quick today i just gave her a hug cause she is very sweet to me and we laugh and stuff and then this thought mixed with feeling crept in do i like her differently and i shoved it way like it was normal to me and felt like i was forcing myself to think about it later and I actually did force myself to think of it cause i am scared of it being denial so i am using all ocd tactics but was that ocd again or why did that feeling whatever that was felt real and normal and nice?!? Cause I watched a show where this girl considered herself straight her entire life spend time and hung out with a lesbian and got feelings for her and changed everything and like that she was straight before all of that it it was so possible for her and so easy how is it not for us?!? And like that too when she was 26 how do i know thats not what’s happening to me now?!? Like why does it feel like denial and like i am stopping myself am i?!?!? Its like i am trying to interpret always what my thoughts mean and feel like?!? Do thoughts actually carry feelings with them if they do thats denial right?!? Is this also something ocd is causing i am also like getting flashes of the same sex in senarios romantic or not when i think of something and I don’t take it as something wrong and why did i not types all this earlier cause it didn’t affect me was it because i considered them true?!? Like what are these sudden flashes like is that some reality did i ever truly like guys back in the day how is this not me realising some shit what if i am scared of all this cause I don’t know how the community works and its new to me cause the kind of what i felt today with the friend what was that?!? What if all this fear and anxiety is because I don’t know how to react or know how people will which is why i am a little scared but i like this feeling!!??! Is this soma kind of false attraction cause i am asking these possibilities when i should be scared of them did ocd lead me to actually denial and was it denial all this while what do i do?!? What should i hold on to?!? Also i have never had a bf and as of now dont like anyone will i ever further like someone or is this some indication of it not being denial also i forget about my thoughts after a while which more like feel like feelings and not intrusive thoughts anymore so is that forgetting a proof of it still being ocd?!? But I don’t panic as much rather fake panic to tell myself its still ocd.. i am so close to losing it suddenly why else would i get this feeling induced thoughts today even if someone tells me its ocd why does it feel like i won’t believe it would i be happier if i just accept?!? Pls help me what should i do?!! Is this even ocd anymore where should i go?! I saw a video on Instagram of a gay couple and the thought that popped in my head was do i want that?!? Thats cute?!? Is that my reality?!! Is that something i want?!? Will that make me happy and if some part of my brain says yes then what!!? I don’t think this is ocd anymore cause even if i think about the thoughts what is the explanation for feeling or did i interpret it wrong cause of ocd but why then did it feel like what i could feel for a guy which is like the last proof right?!? Why did it feel so real… this is not ocd right i am not even panicking while writing this and like normal and okay like i accept it and fake calling the anxiety so that means something right… what should i do?!? Saying the word bisexual was triggering to me earlier now i say it without panic and also when i say i am straight I fail to believe it why people with ocd know who they are i don’t feel anxiousnedd or panic what do i do ?!? Am I pretending to be someone else entirely?!? And if i say i am a part of the community will I accept that more?!? Will that feel more me ?!? Why would it?!? What part of my brain is telling all this?!? I am so lost…What do i hold on to now?!?

I know it pretty long and i would understand if you don’t reply but will be grateful if you do:)

@Brave through This all sounds like a rumination jumble.