- Date posted
- 3y
Kinda having a crisis
This isn’t ocd related but I feel like I just need to talk to someone about what’s going on in my brain. I think from a young age I’ve been super scared of getting close to people. I can’t figure out why that is, but I also tend to put so much focus on just being accepted and have had this need for others to show me love. Like I know this stems from not loving myself but I’m like so depressed, scared, emotional to focus on work and my usual meditation feels wrong. It feels like I’m just in denial and not living my truth. I had an experience over the weekend that took me back to who I was before I started therapy and getting better. I was hooking up with my boyfriend and felt extreme euphoria, like it was an out of body experience. I think this was playing into my need/attachment to others. Anyway, I was sooooo overwhelmed. It all felt good, but then at the same time it all felt way too scary and overwhelming. I started thinking about the female body. And then that scared me SO MUCH MORE. idk how I could be so lovey dovey with my boyfriend and then feel the need to be sexual with a woman, like my boyfriend wasn’t enough. It feels like a trauma response from my youth but I can’t point to anything that would’ve caused it. It reminds me of feelings I have always had throughout my childhood of needing other people to validate me, accept me, love me so that I could love myself. I’m not sure how it all ties together but this feels like a desperate need. I’m now worried that I’ve been lying to myself… like my love for my boyfriend has only been because of an unhealthy need I have and being with him has uncovered this more true desire to be with women. That doesn’t feel right saying that but I’m not sure why my brain went to that place. I’m really struggling to focus today, feeling overwhelmed by my emotions and my fears. I’m not sure what to do. My usual isn’t working. I feel so disconnected from my mind, like all I have are intense feelings that I need to sort through before I can be a functioning human, but I’m scared that when I do that, I won’t need my boyfriend and then I’ll panic again. I just don’t even know where to go from here.