I got really drunk for the first time in a long time and I’ve been mentally out of it all day. I want to cry and my mind won’t stop racing. Nothing is helping and I feel really alone right now :(

Could really use someone to talk to. My emotions are clouding my judgement so badly the last couple days that I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m sorry I don’t want to be needy but I just don’t know who I am anymore right now.

I had to stay home from work today because even though I was exhausted I got 1 hour of sleep. I work 7 days a week between 2 jobs and I finally said today I need a mental day. I am lonelier than ever and have lost friends over the past few years or just lost touch. My best friend ever stopped speaking with me after a group tour of the UK a few years ago and now someone that was our mutual friend is best friends with her and brushes me off. I tried to reach out to my ex friend and make peace but no answer. She has many friends now and a boyfriend. I realize I had some drunk nights that make people not want to hang out with me but I was up last night feeling complete rejection to the fullest and horrible about myself. At rock bottom I have no one. On top of that I was just in a toxic relationship while living abroad and he turned out to be a chronic cheater and married with 2 kids. I have one friend who speaks to me from LA from time to time but as for here in New York I barely got anyone left and bad memories. I can’t be afraid of not going to sleep every night because of thoughts or depression. My period is due any day which doesn’t help. I was just crying so much last night. I’ve never felt so alone. I just feel like a horrible human being that no one wants to be around and I try to make it right.

Last night I went out drinking for the first time in over a year and a half. This morning I’m full of anxiety (which I know is common after drinking). We went out and a random girl held my hand because we were all running to this place, before this theme I would’ve been fine with this and thought nothing of it but now I’m worried I liked holding her hand :’( I also had a bunch of random guys I hadn’t met before chatting me up in this club whilst my friend was with her boyfriend, I didn’t fancy any of them which makes me think in gay/ bi or something :( I also felt so ugly, manly looking all night and out of place, I really don’t want lockdown to be over, I just want to stay inside forever :(