I got really drunk for the first time in a long time and I’ve been mentally out of it all day. I want to cry and my mind won’t stop racing. Nothing is helping and I feel really alone right now :(

I had to stay home from work today because even though I was exhausted I got 1 hour of sleep. I work 7 days a week between 2 jobs and I finally said today I need a mental day. I am lonelier than ever and have lost friends over the past few years or just lost touch. My best friend ever stopped speaking with me after a group tour of the UK a few years ago and now someone that was our mutual friend is best friends with her and brushes me off. I tried to reach out to my ex friend and make peace but no answer. She has many friends now and a boyfriend. I realize I had some drunk nights that make people not want to hang out with me but I was up last night feeling complete rejection to the fullest and horrible about myself. At rock bottom I have no one. On top of that I was just in a toxic relationship while living abroad and he turned out to be a chronic cheater and married with 2 kids. I have one friend who speaks to me from LA from time to time but as for here in New York I barely got anyone left and bad memories. I can’t be afraid of not going to sleep every night because of thoughts or depression. My period is due any day which doesn’t help. I was just crying so much last night. I’ve never felt so alone. I just feel like a horrible human being that no one wants to be around and I try to make it right.

Convinced I cheated on my boyfriend on NYE. Been crying and stressed all day and confessing to him. I know I wouldn’t ever want to do that, but I drank way to much on nye and can only remember parts of the night. I have always been faithful to my partner but this is a reoccurring ocd theme for me. I had a heart to heart with a friend who’s struggling with their mental health and I remember being like lay down let’s talk about it. We weren’t laying close to each other at all and we’re just chatting, there’s never been anything between us ever. But now I’m convinced I wanted him to lay down because I was being flirtatious or inappropriate. I’m convinced I wanted to kiss him or tried to or did, even though if that had happened surely I would know and would have been extremely upset? I remember other parts of the night and I remember talking to him. He would never do that to my partner anyway, and has not acted weird with me or anything but I just feel so awful. I’m scared it will come out in the future. New Years resolution is to drink way less. Does anyone else feel their medication makes them drunk quicker? Or they get serious anxiety due to memory loss. It’s so hard to know how much is too much cause one minute your fine and the next you don’t remember stuff :(

I am at the point now where reassurance no longer helps. No compulsion helps. I fully believe the horrible thing happened to the point where I’m living as if it happened. I hate myself because it’s something that is so out of character for me. I feel like there’s no other explanation that I feel this way other than it must have really happened. It makes me sick and disgusted. I want to turn back time and not drink to where I can’t remember. I hate myself so much. There’s no way out it feels like and I feel like I’m this different person now all because of one night. It really sucks.