Is it normal to feel scared to shower after losing a loved one?

my mom has been in the hospital for almost 3 weeks. she’s had great progress but now she’s declining rapidly. today we talked about palliative care/hospice. i’ve cried today, but then most of the day i’ve felt numb too. but now i’m back home and it’s all hitting me. she’s my best friend, my rock. i don’t want to lose her. but she’s also suffering so much and i just want her to have some relief. it almost hurts more watching her suffer than i think it would to lose her. i honestly have no idea if she’s gonna make it through the night tonight. i want to sleep because im beyond exhausted but im not sure if i can. this all feels like a bad dream. i don’t even know how to cope or process. nothing feels real. and i’m really struggling with disassociation. i don’t even know what to do.

Hi everyone, asking for prayers, advice, anything…My mom died very suddenly last night. I live in a different state than her and was not able to be there with her. I know that in this case, finding an OCD therapist is crucial especially in this time of crisis but i have to fly out tomorrow to go be with my family and want to focus on one thing at a time. I struggle mainly with pocd and can already feel the warning signs of it flaring up, I’m sure it’s triggered by all the stress I’m feeling but I’m still so extremely confused as to why I’m struggling with this theme during this time, it feels completely unrelated. I’m trying not to give to much importance to the thoughts and feelings im having but it’s hard. I have a lot support from my friends and family and partner so i feel incredibly blessed in that regard. I’m shaken and confused and sad and numb all at the same time. I’ve never lost anyone like this before.

My ocd is in a spiral. My passed away on December 30th and it’s been taking a tole on me. She was sick for a year and half. Couple months before she was diagnosed with cancer I basically told my teachers a lie saying she was I’ll in order to take my exams early so I can go home early. She had diabetes at the time and she’s a single parent but my mind wasn’t solely set on her being sick from on it while I was sending out the emails. Even she was on board with me telling them that she’s basically sick because she gave me a document that shows she’s scheduled for a colonoscopy. But still it isn’t right.!I feel so bad because as soon as I said that a couple months later she gets diagnosed with colon cancer stage 3. There’s this spiritual saying that you’re tongue is powerful, and it truly is. Now I’m having a hard time sleeping. I can’t even grieve without my ocd having multiple episodes. Everyday it’s something new. My ocd is now saying I basically killed my mother and I wished sickness on her. Please help me I cannot go to this funeral nor live with this hanging on my shoulders.