grief

Why is it I only feel love randomly… I know I’ve been under a lot of stress. My uncle died 2 days ago and I am sad about it but I feel normal more than I have ever been. Why…. I know I need to sit with it but it’s difficult. One day I feel so good to at I can say okay. I know I love my partner and everything is okay. But then I start thinking about the future and it all goes down hill.

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ this happened 2 years ago after i was sexually assaulted, it started of an obsession for me where i was scared i would do the same thing and i was overthinking and kind of physical contact but this memory of feel like i did something wrong, my mum was coming to say goodnight to everyone and i think this was a compulsion and i put my hand spread out on the bed and i thought if she leans over she will see the hand and i remember thinking it will be okay and then i remember she leaned over and he r body actually touched my hand and i remember i froze and i don’t know why i didn’t move there was lots of thoughts racing and i thought if i was touching her private area she would of moved but she didn’t but im scared i did and i don’t know if it was just her stomach don’t know, but this has plagued me for so long i remember wanting to commit suicide after it happened and i couldn’t sleep the whole night and i was extremely distressed the the point of self harming my self, in the moment when it happened i completely froze i don’t know what happens but i know for a fact i wouldn’t of wanted to make my mum feel uncomfortable or anything and in the moment it’s like i blacked out i don’t really know it’s very difficult to explain but i told her which i know was a confession and i shouldn’t have but she said there was nothing wrong and she wouldn’t lie to me, and i remember telling her and she was completely unphased and even hugged me, but i feel absolutely broken i don’t know how i can heal from this or if i even deserve to

Has anyone dealt with losing a parent while in your 20’s? 2 months ago was the worst day of my life. My mom had been battling an incurable brain cancer for 2 years. Her condition got really bad a little more than 2 months ago. She declined quickly and two months ago today, I watched her be unconsciously carried out on a stretcher out of my house and then a few hours later pass away. It has hit me hard and I still get these bad memory flashbacks of all the bad things I experienced. Has anyone dealt with this? I feel so alone and I don’t like to ask for help. It’s been 2 months and no one really checks on me. I’m trying to keep it together but some days it’s just so hard.