Real event ocd

I can’t stop obsessing over whether or not I’m a narcissist or some sort of sociopath who manipulates everyone around me and I feel like I’m losing my mind. My friend and I had an argument about how she thought I was ignoring her at a time when I felt super anxious. I apologized that my actions hurt her and acknowledged how it made her feel multiple times, but I can’t stop obsessing that I’m a narcissist because I also added in the fact of how that event made me feel, where I was struggling deeply with ocd and anxiety that no one could see and I felt alone. I come from an abusive past with narcissistic parents who frequently manipulated me and gaslit me and because of that my ocd has latched onto a new obsession where I compulsively replay conversations and check to see if I’m an inherently terrible person for making things about me. I’m so terrified of becoming like my dad, I’m terrified that I am a monster when I make the smallest mistakes, and I don’t know how to face this obsession :/ I know I can’t ask for reassurance here but I just feel like I’ve gone crazy and like I can never distinguish the line between standing up for myself and being a good person because I’m always afraid that deep down, my childhood turned me into a manipulative evil person

Anonymous

21d ago

I had the same kind of childhood. My dad was a raging alcoholic and violent unpredictably. I think that is also where my obsession with real events came from. I expect perfection with my soul and who I am. You gotta just accept that the scary thoughts might be right and stop asking for reassurance. Are you any closer to an answer?

Whatabtme

21d ago

True true

Anonymous

21d ago

Nothing in life is certain except taxes

Songbird27

21d ago

Facts

Anonymous

21d ago

We have to pay taces

Anonymous

21d ago

Taxes

BigTree

21d ago

I also understand this; I had emotionally and sexually abusive parents as a child and often, to cope, would take responsibility for the actions that were inflicted upon me. OCD unfortunately flames this guilt; and what helps for me is knowing that you are a good person and repeating this fact- that if you were truly ignorant and manipulative you wouldn't have the foresight to realize it.

Whatabtme

21d ago

In sorry you went through those things. I’m sure it makes the ocd much more intense. Thank you for making that point, it’s good to keep in mind

BigTree

21d ago

@Whatabtme Thank you for your support. Just remember that you are a good person, and while I don't know you, I do believe that from the minimal perspective I have seen. Take care of yourself, and although I am a stranger, I hope I can provide support.

Anonymous

20d ago

You are reassuring them