I HATE how my sexual thoughts associated with OCD lead to me actually getting “turned on” it’s very hard to explain. I’m not actually turned on because I find nothing about the animal (in this instance my cat) attractive in that way. When I’m not having ocd weird images in my mind I never think ? my cat and I would be good together. NEVER. But then I get super horrific images/(fake?) memories and get turned on and it’s honestly the most heartbreaking thing because It is making me very distant from him. I don’t pick him up as much I don’t care where he is, I get annoyed with him I want him away from me. But what it really is, is hatred and annoyance of myself, and you can’t get rid of yourself except by suicide. Which is not something I would ever want to do ideally. I don’t want to die, but sometimes I just wish I didn’t exist?

It's normal to feel a sensation that is similar to a sexual turn on. That is what makes sexual ocd so difficult. But a therapist has told me that it is not a "turn on" but a "groinial sexual response" aka sexual anxiety. There are reasons for this happening that have to do with trauma and many times sexual trauma from sexual abuse of some sort. Even smaller acts of sexual abuse that don't include touch can be enough to cause this trauma. The sexual anxiety is a physical sensation that is alerting you and expressing your fear of being aroused. The more you focus on your fear though the more ocd creeps in so try to rest and know you are not your thoughts. Sometimes a thought belongs to someone else you knew. In my case my therapist told me it is my old abusers thought. Sexual ocd is based around fears of being a sexual abuser or doing or wanting something sexual that you don't actually want. You know you wouldn't but your mind tries to convince you otherwise. The ocd mind is always thinking that we don't have control but we do. We are not our minds and we don't have to play along. We can heal.

Do you get "turned on" like, real "turned on"? Or are you confusing your "anxiety" with being turned on? Either way, I can get turned on by my sexual unwanted thoughts. So you wouldn't be alone... I'm learning to let it pass and move forward...

I definitely have things that have happened to me in the past, resulting around sexual molestation and trauma. But I think I did something horribly disgusting to an animal

There is no way to know. Sometimes I want to just die