Waking up

I hate waking up. Last night I didn't want to go to bed, as I dreaded waking up this morning. I try to push everything that makes my mornings horrible away, but that didn't work... Especially in the mornings, I think about being alone at age 38, at not being and probably never been able to have a partner again, about all the things and people OCD took away from me... I missed out on so much, I lost so much and it is so horribly painful. The day POCD started marks the day of me slowly dying. And again the question: Why get up, if there is nothing and no one to get up for? And I don't only mean getting up from bed now, I mean getting up from the ground I'm lying on for over 1.5 years now. Love had always been my main goal in life and it seems, that OCD succeeded to take it away from me... I'm an empty shell.

LydiaK

Date posted: 3y

Stop letting it do it then. I know this may sound harsh, but immediately throw away your compulsions. Start erp, suffer for a while until it stops being painful. By isolating yourself, you do what it tells you to do and you let it win. I know how painful it is but trust me, it's all just a a worthless illusion your ocd feeds you so that it successfully makes you miserable. Do yourself a favor and don't let a demon like that take away your life. It doesn't deserve it. Personally, I've tried everything, no matter how painful and this has paid off. I almost live completely pain free. The more ocd told me not to do something the more i forced nyself to do it until it actually completely stopped bothering me and i was able to do what i wanted to do freely. Stop giving it power by following its orders like a slave. Would you rather be a slave for life or get whipped once and be free? We can't control the fact that life is sadly painful, for some more and for some less but you know what will truly make you human and alive? Not letting go of what you love while phasing all that pain. You are not alone. Fight and don't give up.

Zoë_84

Date posted: 3y

No offence to any one, but the type of OCD makes a big difference to me... I tackled the OCD thoughts that only focused on me, that had been hard and painful, but Harm and P/Z OCD are just on another level, for me at least, and I only feel that people who suffer from those can truely understand what I'm talking about.

Zoë_84

Date posted: 3y

And yes, it sounded harsh. I get that from many people and am definitely not on this app to be treated harshly, too.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 25w

I don’t want to keep doing this

some days I wake up with so much dread and guilt. It makes it so hard to keep going. I open my eyes and I’m hit with a wave of nausea and terror. I feel ashamed of my compulsions and my OCD. I feel like a monster for my checking compulsions. For momentarily sexualizing things that shouldn’t be sexualized out of anxiety. I’m ashamed of a lot that I give into because of anxiety. Confessing things that are meaningless to my boyfriend. I feel so awful and unworthy of existing and of love. I feel hopeless I don’t want to keep pushing, the more I push the more meta my OCD becomes and the more guilt I feel for this mental illness. The more confusing it becomes to do ERP. If compulsions are a choice, they feel like life or death and it’s driving me insane, I beat myself up so badly over them I’m scared of compulsions, I’m scared of thoughts, I’m scared to be awake, I’m even scared of sleeping because my intrusions and compulsions haunt me there too. I spend my dreams trying to explain or justify my OCD and compulsions to people. I’m exhausted, I want this to stop so badly. My severe OCD isn’t feeling any less severe and it’s been months. I don’t want to keep questioning my every move but I’m so hyperaware of everything I do. I’m so tired. Some days I don’t even have tears to cry with. I’m just so full of despair and shame

BigGyro09

Date posted: 20w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

Anonymous

Date posted: 15w

Feel lost and without hope

I dont know what to do anymore. I think Ive had the 'pure O' version of OCD for more than ten years. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted from this disease. For the longest time I just tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts, and push them off as anxiety, and basically dissociated for years of my life. Feels like Ive just been on autopilot and a shell of myself for nearly 15 years. Its actually hard to even imagine of all the experiences, emotions, connections with others, and personal growth that Ive missed out on- if I do, I think it would be too much to handle. I think Ive even forgot and dont even know at this point what it is to live a normal life and experience positive emotions. Now that I sought treatment for it specifically, it feels like it's gotten worse. Like by acknowledging that part of myself, suddenly added focus just makes it more real and in the forefront now. I wonder if I am actually going insane. Will not go into details for reassurance but the thoughts just rip my soul out. Its so difficult as well because I will get random 'clarity moments' throughout the day where I feel like Ive solved something, then get completely derailed by another OCD thought stream and forget everything. It feels like Im just on a merry-go-round of hell, not going anywhere thinking I am at times.

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