TRIGGER WARNING ABOUT POCD. So fucking what if everyone thinks I'm a pedophile (I'm not). I go red around children a lot, because I worry about going red in situations and it has fucked up my life, I seem nervous, words trigger me, like if they need to go to the toilet I go red in the face. But to be honest, so fucking what, worse that can happen is everyone thinks I'm a pedophile and I be taken to court and they say I look shifty around children when certain things are mentioned. Then what? I go to prison due to false accusations? Well fuck it. I'd be happier in a jail sell cause I'd know I'd be scared of fuck all else after that. I don't want to be around children cause I see they pick up on my anxiety when I go red in the face and it makes them feel uncomfortable. Cause I go red and awkward when toilet habits are mentioned. I want to tell my whole family to never come round ever. Like just leave me alone if you don't want to start doubting me as a human. I am not a monster. You know what, at this point I feel like just fucking making up a load of crap to get put in a jail sell so I can face my fear. I worry about things going missing. I go red when purses are opened and bags are opened, when I walk out of shops. I just go red and awkward. It feels horrible. It feels like guilt when I have done nothing. Why would anyone actually do this stuff? If I get this without doing anything I'm mind fucked on how people must feel after they've done shit things. I worry all the time about what people might think. My ultimate fear in life is everyone hating me and me going to prison due to people accusing me of stuff I haven't done. But actual fuck it at this point, I'm no harm to anyone and I don't deserve to die so I'm not ganna kill myself because I think everyone thinks I'm a monster. They can think what they want and I will suffer on in hope that this shit will go or I will feel brave enough to tell everyone these ocd thoughts. But I fear they won't believe me. They'll know I'm innocent when we're in heaven. I hate obsessive compulsive disorder.

Ok first you are not your thoughts. Your thoughts are not you. Second people never really actually notice these things when we are red or nervous. We just feel like they do. Even when they do they have no real clue. More importantly now know that sexual ocd is actually very common. No one wants to harm a child or change their orientation. These are common fears it's just that OCD makes them obsessions. Sexual ocd typically comes from sexual abuse of some sort. If you were abused at all then you can see the root cause. It's a fear of becoming like your abuser. However it all began just know that it can stop. The anxiety and redness is just ocd anxiety. Something that feels like a physical turn on happens in the body too but it's not an actual turn on. It is actually the body going on a kind of alert. Telling you it remembers something sexual. Asking if something sexual is happening. It scares us because it feels similar but it is just sexual anxiety. This is important to know so you know it isn't a sexual turn on but just a sexual anxiety from the subconscious. You aren't alone and it can go away eventually. Don't think about suicide and jail. Know you are not your thoughts. The fact you are this upset proves you aren't a pedo. Pedos don't care.

MissLovely, you poor gal! (At least I guess you're a gal.) Do you have a therapist? It would be a good idea to go and have a chat about all this with a real person who can help. You can certainly feel better than you do right now. And actually tho you are frustrated it sounds like you're ready to change for the better. Hugs.

Woah @ERipley that is really powerful, thank you so much! I do think I was abused for sure when I was a child. I can't remember it, but I know I was a very odd child. I knew things noone should know. And I went to a pedos house but noone knew back then he was one. And I remember something that seemed a little weird. I wish I could remember. But I think my mind has chosen to block it out. I know it's a total different feeling to when I'm really horny with men. A completely different feeling I don't feel weirded out around men. I don't care about how I feel around men. But if I get the groinal thing around children I freak out. I feel uncomfortable and gross. But thank you so much, I say some of the same things to others, but when someone else says it to you, it means more... And @injapan,last time I checked I was a girl ? I do have a therapist, I'm scared of talking about all of it with her. I'd probably feel better to talk to a psychologist so they can dig up my past. I am ready to feel happier yes. I am at breaking point honestly. Everything is ocd at the moment I can't do anything without random obsessive thoughts entering my mind. Sending hugs back guys xx