Need help/advice with possible OCD habit/ritual

Hello everyone, I want to talk about a habit or ritual that I'm struggling with for the past couple of years. Whenever I start working on some task that holds a lot of importance to me such as studying or applying for jobs. I start having these thoughts: • I'm not doing this properly or in an orderly manner • I'm not putting my best effort • I'm not working hard These thoughts become overwhelming. I feel bad and start hating myself for not working hard or properly. As a result, I often stop doing that work and just start doing useless things like scrolling through my phone, listening to music, or masturbating as means of escapism from these unpleasant thoughts. After wasting hours or a whole day like this, I decides to get out of it so that I can do the work I need to do. Here, I do some kind of ritual. I feel like my thinking is not organized or it's all over the place or I'm not thinking enough. To get out of it, In my head, I say something like "Ok, calm down" or "let's do this" and then I change my thinking. If my thinking is still not organized or in the proper direction, I repeat this ritual again and again. I call this calibration or reset. I feel an urge to do this to make things in order again. It's frustrating. I often abandon important work because I keep having these thoughts that I'm not doing it properly or the way I'm working on it is not enough. I need to put more effort. It's like wanting something perfect or not at all. After that, I spend hours doing useless things to distract myself from unpleasant thoughts. Then I do this ritual to "organize" my thinking so that I can get things done. But, the problem is that I am never able to work "properly" or in an ideal way and I keep repeating this cycle again and again. This has messed up my head a lot and I feel stuck in this loop. I've wasted the majority of my time during the past 4 months and couldn't able to get important things done. I have also developed a fear of working on these important tasks and started avoiding them because of how overwhelming and unpleasant these thoughts get. Another thing to note is that I often make promise to myself that tomorrow I'll work on the thing that I need to work on but whenever there is a tiny slipup for example If I decided to wake up at 8:00 am and unable to do so, I feel like my whole day is ruined or things are not in order. So, I end up wasting whole day. I keep repeating this most of the time. As a result, I hardly finish any of my important work. From what I know, it looks like symptoms of OCD. I want to know if anyone experienced this or performed this particular ritual. If yes, how can I manage or overcome this? Any advice/help will be greatly appreciated.

April307

Date posted: 3y

Hi! Sorry to hear you're going through a rough time with this kind of ritual. I can fully relate to this and can feel very frustrating. I have experienced this and still do from time to time. There's definitely some perfectionism and avoidance going on based on what you've described. ERP is always the best thing to apply in moments like these. The goal is to take the risk that something isn't perfect or that it isn't done properly. For me, I would put off tasks because I would think it wouldn't be perfect and my ERP would be to do those tasks anyway. Or even do them before other tasks to teach my brain that I can do those tasks and that my thoughts won't get in the way of completing the work i need to get done. It will feel scary and irresponsible to do this, but people with OCD have to retrain our brains and do the hard things. When you decide to tackle a task, thoughts will come up of course and it helps to respond to them immediately. For me, I would say "I may not do a good job on this, but I'm going to do this task anyway." Or, "Whatever OCD, i'm not listening to you right, I'm focused on this task instead." My NOCD therapist had me read this when I first started treatment. It'll help you respond to thoughts: https://www.sheppardpratt.org/news-views/story/how-to-respond-to-unwanted-obsessive-thoughts/#:~:text=There%20is%20no%20one%20right,if%20you%20wish%20to%20entertain. Good luck, you got this :)

uncertain_Aly

Date posted: 21w

Does OCD impact your ability to get to work?

Often times I find myself spiraling out in the morning about all sorts of things. When I try and catch myself and figure out what I am obsessing over it’s like it goes away. I haven’t moved. I have been sitting frozen on the floor because I can’t go to work because I am behind on work and I hate being late and I hate being messy but I am frequently late and my room is cluttered and full of stuff. I want to be good and move and go to work but I don’t know what is coming today and I hate my job so I know I will get bored and when I have nothing to keep me busy and engaged I like start thinking and taking an inventory of what is going on and then I will feel a sensation and what is the sensation? How did it happen? And I know that I will pick up the bad emotions in the office and get contaminated, I was really worried about things like this as a kid too I cried because I had to touch dirt in kindergarten. I know I am this way and I have been this way for a while but at the same time I think I might just be normal and like I don’t know why I get stuck in thinking like this. Then I begin to doubt that OCD is real because everyone has a brain with wiring and everyone gets stuck in thought sometimes. I feel disabled from whatever this is because I am stuck. I literally cannot move because I don’t know what’s wrong and I know I have to go to work even though I feel like every moment I spend there is making everything worse because other people are so stressed and I get it from them. And I don’t feel ready because I just feel off and something is wrong and I just don’t know what to do because if it’s OCD or not OCD everything anyone knows about me is coming from me and I worry that I am often masking all the thinking I’m doing because thinking all the time is rude and inconsiderate and inconvenient for those around me, but I can’t stop. I just don’t feel right, right now - and I want to know WHY?? Why is everything off all the time? How do I even know that I am not making up the experience of OCD in my head to cover up something really wrong with me and now I am taking on the symptoms of OCD like an actress, because this could be something that I can latch onto as a final hope for explaining why I am stuck. So stuck so deeply and terribly stuck sitting on my floor next to my bed just scrolling to avoid thinking because any time I start thinking I am left with no answers or help or anything just this swirly feeling. I know I am trying, maybe not my best, but as much as I possibly can. I want to be a Special Education Teacher but I have so much so so so much doubt and uncertainty about every decision I make and everything I know that I can’t get there right now. I can’t do anything right now until it feels ok and then I will. It never feels ok. I know I have to be ok not feeling ok about it. I can be unsure and still be ok. I know it’s just my thinking and my body but I just can’t get past this feeling. And then I know that because I can calm myself and be ok even though I spent 2 hours of my life today already feeling stuck and spinning around and around and around in my head - I don’t feel sure about my OCD and I think it’s a bit of a scam made up by people to cultivate pathology around deep human thought because one day I might figure it out and we all think a lot.

ocdonedidily1

Date posted: 17w

Perfectionism OCD and rumination

There’s this one situation that I haven’t stopped thinking about from last night . So basically, I was reading 'The power of Now' which is a book that I love so much and really got me into spirituality. It’s been so helpful for my OCD and rumination but it’s also been pretty triggering for it as of late, so I’ve taken a long break from consistently reading it. The excerpt I read was about abundance and how its not about being bountiful, necessarily in material things but realizing and being grateful for the things that exist in your life now and in doing so, you will open yourself up to more good things. I understood it but I re-read it a lot because I didn't feel confident enough to explain it to someone else. but otherwise I LOVED IT. It made me feel so at peace, I agreed with it, and it gave me hope to start focusing on the good things in my life rather than the bad. So when I went to bed I rehearsed myself explaining it to someone on a podcast and then all these questions started flooding in like “why should I only focus on the good and aren't we supposed to accept the good and bad? Aren’t those the values of Buddha and spirituality” “Ya, we're supposed to accept the good and the bad but why?- so we can feel more good??? And isn't the point of OCD to not label things as good and bad? and why should I focus on the good- so I can feel good? why should I feel good? because I'm worthy of it? why am I worthy of it? because I'm a good person and do good things? well I’ve also done bad things so why shouldn't I consider that. I just don’t understand why I should feel good without it being selfish. And then this went on for like 2 or 3 hours. Like holy shit. I over explain these ideas and concepts that I resonate with to the point where they don't even make sense to me anymore. It becomes very existensial very quick. And I’m not suicidal but these questions make me feel hopeless in society for some reason?? And myself. Like if everything contradicts everything then what’s the point to life? If nothing can be understood or explained in a senseful way, then how do people move forward and make decisions, like AT ALL? There’s never a right or perfect answer and I feel like with any decision I make in regards, I’m doing a compulsion either way. If I don’t answer them, then I’m avoiding it and if I do then I’m checking and seeking reassurance. I’m sorry if this was way too long and over-explained I just need some advice or to know if anyone can relate in any way. Also, I’m sorry if some of those back-to-back questions were triggering.

hannamartin

Date posted: 11w

Is this OCD?? Perfectionism?

Lately I have been engaging is a very vicious mental cycle of not being as productive as I wanted to at work, worrying my boss with notice and get mad at me or fire me, and then feeling like I have to “figure out” how to “fix myself” and be more productive. I come up with detailed elaborate plans and lists for everything I need to do and fix to be a good person. I have a lot of negative thoughts that are very distressing to me and basically I am a horrible person if I don’t “fix myself” via making these plans. For me, oddly, it’s not about doing the things, it’s about making the list. I do research on how to be more productive and have this need to make the perfect plan that will solve my problems. And then once I make the list I feel better (temporarily, of course). All of the mental energy put into the researching and planning is so draining that it begins to negatively impact my work… and the cycle continues!!! I feel like this is not a “normal” obsession or intrusive thought that people with OCD have, so I guess I am trying to figure out if it could be OCD? This is a very consistent thing I have been experiencing since probably around 8th grade?? So 5+ years now. It’s always the never feeling like I’m good enough and then the compulsory planning until I felt like I had a good enough plan to fix myself. Thanks in advance!! Disclaimer: I have not been diagnosed with OCD but I suspect I have OCD/Pure O or OCPD and many people in my life agree. Obviously this is not my only reason for thinking I have OCD lol

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