again just had this - WHAT IF IM ATTRACTED TO THIS GIRL?. When I think that my brain feels like it has a cloud over it

When I was half asleep today, trying to wake up, my brain kept asking me if I thought this picture of my friend was attractive, I kept replying with “ maybe, I don’t know, I really can’t tell” .. or… “ I feel like I do” “ maybe I do” “ I feel like I might” ,, and then I’m like wait she’s 13 in these pictures, I’m not sure if I was aware of it, but still, it doesn’t matter, I’m still saying it and I’m like “why am I saying this??” I generally don’t know how I feel anymore, I don’t wanna be a bad person, I just don’t understand why I think this is play to say, or feel?? Maybe because my brain is trying to justify it? It tries to justify everything wrong, so makes it feel like it so it makes it harder… I feel like a genuine bad person, because I don’t know how I feel about it, I really don’t know, I’m scared does it mean I’m a bad person? Because I don’t know how I feel about it. I asked myself if I’m genuinely attracted. And I don’t know anymore. Because I don’t know how I feel about it anymore, I feel like my brain is playing a part in it because it tries to tell me that it’s not wrong. Yes it is wrong though but it’s like no it’s not wrong, It makes me really scared. I generally feel like I’m attracted to her and that I have nothing against it and I don’t know what to do anymore., some people may argue that it’s not wrong, but I believe it’s wrong. So I have no idea why I fucking said that. I genuinely think it’s over. I don’t know if I actually am anymore. I asked myself do I actually feel attraction, because i used to go to a conclusion and say no I don’t. And actually feel that way. But now I don’t feel anything but like pain. Because I don’t want to be. At the same time I feel like I just lied and I do want to feel attraction. I just wanna explain how I feel but I can’t. All I know and what I can explain, is that when my brain was asking me these things I said “ I feel like I might maybe I do I can’t tell “ and why did I say that to a 13-year-old? Why? And why am I still saying it even after realizing that maybe I shouldn’t be saying it. I’m 16 for goodness sake. I don’t wanna think about these things. My brain is making me feel like I do and I do and I’m like I’m so confused.

I’m confused. I think I’ve gotten progressively more boy crazy and more of a hopeless romantic, but I’ve completely manipulated myself into thinking that boys just don’t like me and I think it’s a fact. In the past, I was confused and lost on what my sexuality was so I would be in a lot of “flirty” friendships thinking that I genuinely liked my female friends I had these friendships with but that was far from the truth. I can’t imagine myself being with a woman but for some reason it’s just easier for me to talk and flirt with them. I have trauma involving why I brainwashed myself into thinking that I’m a magnet that repels boys from me and I still think that and it’s ruining my brain. (I have a crush on this guy and texted him for the first time, he never replied!!!) which honestly proves my point even more. Am I right or is just all in my head? Some advice please!!

Pocd feels real again and I can’t tell if I’m actually attracted or not. can’t believe it got this bad again. I used to be able to go “no I don’t like that, go away” and now it feels like I do like it and want it, and it’s starting to linger longer so it feels more real. I’m avoiding checking but I’m so scared that what if it’s true. Is it because I have not been doing my exposures? I’m not sure, but every time a 14 year old person comes to my head, I keep hearing something go “they’re attractive” and it sounds like me so I panic, and it makes me even more scared because I’m not feeling bad about it??? I saw some kid at Walmart that had long black hair and my brain kept saying shit and no matter how much I say I don’t feel that way, it won’t shut up, i want to check 1000 times to make sure. But I know it’s not worth it. I’m trying so hard