again just had this - WHAT IF IM ATTRACTED TO THIS GIRL?. When I think that my brain feels like it has a cloud over it

hiya, it's been a while because i was finally getting better.im a straight girl and i've been dealing with so-ocd severely for about a year now. i originally used to obsess over this one girl at my school and it was so bad and literally interfered with everything. after lots and lots of patience and avoiding compulsions i got over that false attraction and i felt myself be okay again. this year i have developed another attachment to someone, and im struggling all over again. also i thought id share that i experience friend crushes which is where you just wanna become closer to someone if that makes sense. anyways originally i was experiencing that and then my ocd keeps telling me what if its more and what if i am gay? i've completely forgot what it felt like but the thing is, it feels so real!!! i feel excited to see her and wanna be around her but everytime i freak out and obsess about the thought i could like her as more then a friend. deep down i know i don't because i don't feel any romantic feelings and i shouldn't feel such negative emotions and anxiety if it wasn't my ocd. i am so sorry for the rant but im back to square one. 😭😭

Why whenever I feel like my attraction to the opposite gender (female) is back, I get hit with depression and my mind (OCD) saying no you don’t or you use too…

there is this guy in my university. i think he looks good. but since im so afraid of liking someone else, everytime i see him i have wild intrusive thoughts about him. everytime he looks at me i imagine the tension. i hate it so much i hate him so much. yesterday, i saw him look at me multiple times but i avoided the thought. after a while, the picture of him wanting me desperately came to mind again and i thought “what if he liked me and what if he came and told me that i want a relationship with you” and i imagined that. i instantly got pulled and felt like id wanna be with him. like really really wanna be with him. and simultaneously i was terrified of thinking that so in the back of my mind i was screaming NO NO DONT THINK THIS and it felt like i was falling off from a building. but i thought it again and i had the same feeling. I love my boyfriend to death, i feel like im betraying him. Am i? I realized after days of rumination, that I had no reason for my attraction. Its not like I had any kind of physical bodily attraction. I thought the face was nice. But I didn’t even know the person. Why would I feel such a strong urge to be with someone I don’t even know? I thought it was invalid, but I strongly think it is because I have projected a personality on him that I would want to be with. He held a meeting today. Hes my colleague in a club. I was in the meeting. For the first half hour, I was stressed because I hadn’t written down a thought I had previously had. I was doing my work simultaneously. I was talking to people simultaneously. When I paid attention to the guy, I thought “yeah see he’s just a normal person, plus he has an ugly voice” the minute I thought this, I turned into a fan girl of his fully and I loved the voice I felt like I had a crush. And then I panicked. I moved past it. After a while, while he was talking, a little girl screamed in the background. I immediately pictured his younger sister. Like I pictured him having a sister and she looked kindof yk like him. Basically my first instinct was oh she might be so cute. See I think he looks nice, so I kinda pictured him having a sister who was pretty and all cute like how he looked. And then I flipped out while at the same time getting a one second black out, after which I had flashes and images of him being a father and me being attracted to that. I just got random flashes of images and I felt attracted to that I think. Im not too sure. I don’t remember any feeling/ thought/ order at all. It kept on replaying in my head and while contemplating about it I thought it is probably cuz I don’t know anything about their personal lives so it feels enticing to know that they have a personal life beyond work(since they’re professional connections.). After this, I had a billion other thoughts of this sort. “why am I still thinking of him” “does this mean I like him” “who thinks that” *replaying the thought over and over* “maybe he likes me” all these situational thoughts. I can’t even ground myself by thinking about love for my bf. “I love him I want him so bad” “no you don’t” “he’s the best” “you don’t really think that” “how will u handle ur life other guys ur relationship ur hectic schedulel” “fuck up” “these thoughts r supposed to be normal” “its just attraction” “attraction for so long? Everytime u see him?” “youre gonna try to downplay the thoughts like u always do” “this is not normal” I just froze there crying till I couldn’t breathe for 45 minutes. Next morning, I woke up thinking its just something that is not important, I love my boyfriend so much I should put my energy here. I was then called in for a meeting. I pictured the guy just being in university and I felt like normal softness towards him, I got pulled. And then after a while I saw his fair through the online meeting I was worried ill think something wrong. Then I heard him talk to a girl and I was worried ill think im jealous and get jealous. Then after avoiding the thought for a while I got the thought, I felt like I was jealous. But at the same time I was so anxious because I didn’t wanna think like this. And after that I saw him again and I pictured me being with him there next to him in a flash and then I got anxiety and I’m here now.