I posted awhile back that I had just moved into a really nice apartment and was there a week and pest control came and sprayed bug spray All over the carpet we had just moved in so there wasn’t really anything in there so he sprayed everywere the carpet was wet I panicked I shampooed the carpets for hours my bf took off work cause I was so upset I have an issue wit bug sprays and bombs and some cleaning products it’s like a phobia this bug spray I felt was everywere it helped a little bit that I shampooed but I just felt when we wlk on it from carpet to the floors that it was transferring to the floors and would transfer into the bed from our feet so then the bed was contaminated if you set something on the floor then on the counter it would transfer it was very exhausting I no there wasn’t anything rong wit the bug spray I no it’s safe to spray inside I no my bf wasn’t bothered by it so therefore I shouldn’t be bothered by it but I couldn’t get my brain to believe it it was like someone haveing a fear of hights and trying to get them to go up high somewere that nothing would happen everyone else is going up that it’s not that big of deal but it is to the person that has the fear I was so upset so tired everyday I couldn’t and didn’t want to do anything nothing got done in the apartment we had just moved in we didn’t bring anything else in everything staid the same for along time till months had gone by and I was trying to make the best of it but it was so hard bringing stuff in I could literally only do like 1 thing a week it’s been several months and finally the guy below us moved out and we were able to move into his place redoing our deposite and lease it was stressful comeing up wit more money to move but all my stuff was dirty to me and I didn’t want to bring that stuff into this new apartment so we put everything on the porch and I wiped everything off down to the cords we had 1 clear day then that weekend it rained all of our stuff got wet cause I had to leave it on the porch to not bring any dirty stuff in I eventually just threw shit away gave stuff away cause I couldn’t clean anymore I was getting overwhelmed it was so hard the guy left his bed and a table so we kept those so we didn’t have to bring in our bed which saved me alot of cleaning we also had stuff that had been sitting in storage we never brought to the apartment cause I was haveing such a difficult time bringing stuff inside so now we have our stuff from the storage unit I’ve cleaned everything and for the first time in months I’ve left the house I’ve gone to the store I’ve gone outside I’ve gone to do laundry when I was in the old apartment I probably left 4 times in 7 to 8 months I didn’t even go outside moveing downstairs has helped me feel better I tried getting help I’m on ssi and have tenncare noone accepts it we’re I live there’s not really anyone that understands ocd here I’ve been dealing wit ocd for years seen doctors therapist gone to hospitals I’ve gotten better but have learned ocd needs to be treated by ppl who understand that ocd needs to be treated wit exposure and response therapy which I had never even heard of and that all these years noone was realy helping me Unlearn these ocd rituals and habits and I’ve always been weiry of getting help cause I had no idea wat they could’ve done to help cause noone ever has helped I’ve also learned there’s not alot of ppl trained in treating ocd alotof doctors don’t understand it and I just want to see a doctor that’ll listen to all my problems and prescribe me the rite medications not just give me an antidepressant and that’s it I want to do therapy wit an ocd therapist I make 560 a month and can’t afford to pay therapist 100 something a week for session I’ve also been struggling wit showering rituals that I’ve been doing for years have just been so hard the contamination ocd has been so hard it makes showering hard my bf helps me wash my hair cause for a couple years I literally showered a couple times a year I have noone that realy understands ocd and the stuff that comes wit it I’m up late always on my phone I’m always stressed and tired I’m always thinking bout wat I’ve got to do next I gotta chnahe my clothes I gotta shower I gotta shave I gotta pluck my eyebrows and noing it’s hard for me to do any of those things cause of the rituals even if they don’t take long it’s just aggravating I just wanna wash my hair by myself and also do it like a normal person I’m greatful to be in this new apartment that’s took alot of stress off of me I just want and need support someone to tlk to that understands me and the laying in bed all the time being on your phone all the time scared to lay down the nite terrors the stress the anxiety the panick attacks I’ve got ppl in my life that think I can just do things and tell myself these important things need to be done cause there important and just be able to do them but I’ve not gone to court for my insurance ticket i stopped going to my suboxene doctor I missed Christmas and new year my bf birthday I’ve not done anything I’ve not washed my own hair I’ve not been able to shave and pluck my eyebrows and those are important to me but I just can’t make myself do them I just need atleast a free support group that’s not early I’m up so late and ppl shit tlk me but I don’t want to get off my phone and lay down i just hope nocd will accept my insurance so I can do over the phone sessions!!

My ocd has been at an extreme all time high the past 2 weeks and I am in dire need of some relief. I’m not sleeping right anymore. for context: I live in the south and found a springtail on my sheets about 2 weeks ago. This was like 2 days before our bug guy came and sprayed (it’s a normal maintenance thing here) so it’s a common bug down here and I’ve found them all over different areas of the house before. Finding it in my bed sent me on a bit of a spiral bc I started to doubt if it even was a springtail and that i was wrong and that it was a bed bug, not trusting my brain. It was a bad, sleepless night and carried over continuing feelings. Typical ocd stuff. Well two days later, I’m a nurse and I had a patient that actually had bed bugs. This wasn’t the first day they were here and I did not see any myself but it still freaked me out. There had one 2 founds after visitors came the day before. Of course I wore PPE in the room (coveralls shoe covers and hair net) going in and took everything off before exiting the room. When I came home I stripped in my garage and bagged everything down to my shoes. Threw everything in the wash and did multiple cycles. There were no other steps I could take but I still had a terrible night. Hours of ruminating and going back and forth about tracing my tracks, thinking of new ways I could’ve taken one home with me. Just checking everything. I was already on a spiral from the springtail. Having two such back to back triggering events for me so closely related has made me deteriorate significantly. I was already doing bad with my normal OCD and starting therapy here. I obsess over the thought of having bedbugs constantly and haven’t been able to sleep. I am constantly checking my bed while in it and can’t settle down. My bed is heavy too and I keep hurting myself lifting my mattress to check. But I need to check. I’ve become obsessed. I check everything and go down Reddit rabbit holes looking for new things. And of course, I talk myself into it every time. I can’t take it anymore, it’s bleeding off into other parts of my life like friendship and marriage because I am so high anxiety right now. I need relief so bad. I’ve never felt this unstable to be honest. I feel like even someone without ocd would be really struggling with this topic, nevermind me, with ocd to a point where I just started treatment. These aren’t even my normal intrusive thoughts and compulsive acts. It’s just taken on a life in the last week and I can’t find any sign that it’s going to slow down. when I think rationally I know I did everything right to prevent but I can’t shake it. 💔

I know I keep talking about this and I swear I’m not trying to be annoying but over the weekend I had gotten some new Clorox wipes because I was running low on some at home. I noticed when I came home I still had 2 half full containers left. When I got home everything was fine until I accidentally knocked my setting spray off my bathroom counter. Now mind you I had 2 warts on my foot about 4 months ago and my ocd makes it worse by making me believe the virus is still on the floor. Immediately when it dropped, I cleaned it with a Clorox wipe. This is where it went down hill and my brain started to spiral. After disinfecting my setting spray, I started second guessing if the Clorox I used on it was from the same container I used for the shower floor. I usually wear gloves before getting a Clorox wipe and sometimes I don’t. I was trying to do “ERP” and instead of washing my hands 3x… I just washed it for about 5 seconds . I then put my lipliner and gloss on and now I feel like I contaminated my lipliner. I threw my lipliner in my makeup bag and my makeup bag has a blush brush , hilighter brush and some other makeup stuff. I just wanna throw that whole bag out now. It’s exhausting and this might seem dramatic but I couldn’t get out of bed because all I could think about was everything being contaminated in my bathroom. I leave for Florida in 3 days and I’m freaking out because everything isn’t going how I want it to. I’m just exhausted. I just bought some new Clorox wipes from Kroger and one of the Clorox dropped on the floor and now I think that’s contaminated and now I’m confused which one fell on the floor and which one didn’t. They were next to eachother and I forgot that fast. 😞☹️ Before going to Kroger I felt like god was talking to me or my intuition and telling me don’t get another one. So now my minds making me feel like it dropped on the floor on purpose. Idk know if it’s god talking to me or my ocd. I was sleeping all day because I don’t wanna get up and go in my bathroom and I don’t even wanna put my makeup on because I don’t wanna take a chance of getting a wart on my face. I never did a deep clean after my wart but I have used so much Clorox in the bathroom to just to dinsifect. I’m still nervous to even do a deep clean because I feel like I’m going to pick up the virus or bacteria. Also if there’s any Christian’s reading this I would appreciate just a prayer bc I’m tired and exhausted which I know seems funny from being in my bed all day. But mentally I’m exhausted. I don’t even wanna go to Florida anymore. I know the only way to get a wart is to get it from skin to skin contact. Oh! I almost forgot I had a dentist appt today and this girl was shadowing my dentist and she greeted me and shook my hand. It happned so fast. I didn’t go home right away and wash my hands and I’m freaking out about that too. I’m just overwhelmed . 😞 I know this was long and I appreciate you reading.

This is my first post on this app, though I made this account back in late September of 2021. I grew up in a toxic environment, and was mentally abused by my parents, included being taken advantage of because of my autism. I’ve been suffering from OCD as long as I can remember. Ever since I was a child, I’ve sometimes had thoughts that scared me, and I’d often try to find ways to calm myself down. I’ve had thoughts over the smallest and silliest of things, but as time went on, these thoughts suddenly became more violent, like wanting to step in front of moving car while waiting for the bus, or grabbing a knife on the dinner table and using it to stab a family member. Even thoughts of death and what happens afterwards scared me. Aside from being afraid of a kids horror show for a while, OCD did bother me at points in my life, but they never severely crippled me… until my teenage years. Throughout my teen hood, I would very occasionally suddenly imagine fictional child characters being SA’d. I would also sometimes imagine children getting injured while noticing them sometimes. I didn’t know why those thoughts popped up into my head and they would weird me out, but I would be able to usually push them aside and not think about them too much… but it got worse after I was dropped out of high school without my consent by my parents. In March of 2017, I was at a gas station when I saw a child and imagined doing a disgusting action with them. It freaked me out immensely and sent me into a panic attack. I was able to calm down from it shortly after, but I think it planted a seed into my brain, and it would launch a horrific attack on me the very next month. Me and my family were driving around a town for a special occasion when I had the worst OCD attack I’ve ever had. Every child I saw, I imagined doing something disgusting to them. I was having a full blown panic attack and it honestly felt like my mind itself was being sexually assaulted by this horrifying thoughts. This incident scarred me mentally, and to this day, I’m still afraid of being around anyone younger than me. I tried researching what these thoughts could mean, and I found out about these being symptoms of OCD. After talking with a psychiatrist a month later, I was diagnosed with OCD. For a while, I thought I’d be okay from that point. I thought I could conquer this on my own… but by early 2018, I was still struggling. I eventually came out to my older sibling and parents about what I was dealing with. They thankfully didn’t ridicule me, and did help me with getting a therapist. The first visit with my therapist went alright, but I was an emotional mess after finishing the session. The next time I went in however, I was seen by someone else because my therapist was out. The man I saw honestly felt condescending, and he basically made go to a group therapy session. The group therapy didn’t help in the slightest, and with more toxicity developing in my family afterwards, I stopped going after the group therapy. I did see my therapist at least once I think, but that was it. Ever since 2018, I was silent about my OCD. I was just hoping that someday I’d be free of my shackles both from my mental illness and my toxic environment. Two years later though, a friend (now partner) of mine heard about my family’s living situation and wanted to help get me out of there. I first visited them in 2021, and thankfully I stay with them for the most part. That being said, I was still worried about opening up to them about my OCD. I did talk with them about general OCD from time to time, but never got into P OCD… until last year finally. I opened up them fully about it, and both they and their mother told me that they weren’t upset, and that they understood where I was coming from. I think that genuinely helped me out, and I don’t feel as anxious as I did before. Just yesterday, I finally talked about my OCD to my older sibling (they’re super supportive and understand our parents toxicity). I was genuinely nervous about telling them for a while out of fear of them either abandoning me or ratting me out… but they understood. They were accepting and didn’t ridicule me at all. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders… and honestly, I think I might have the courage to speak up on this app finally and hopefully find a therapist who can help me. I’ve been suffering with P OCD for over 8 years now ever since I was 18. I just recently turned 27 a few days ago. I’ve been suffering in silence for so long due to trauma, fear, and PTSD. But now, I think I want to take a step forward and get onto the road to recovery. It most likely won’t be easy and it won’t happen overnight, but I feel relieved knowing I have people who love and support me, now that I’m in a better environment.