I am not sure what to do I have a "friend" who has two university classes with me and we live in the same building. But she is just a hard person to get along with and constantly is manipulative I don't think she understands that she hurts people psychologically and mentally but I'm just so frustrated she also always plays the victim
With this “friend” you could try practicing the art of non attention. When she is in victim mode, don’t give attention to it. Don’t comment. Don’t say “oh I’m sorry”. See what happens if you ignore completely any attempts at manipulation or victimhood. Now, this doesn’t mean you have to say unkind things, you can simply not acknowledge the behavior that is so undesirable. Instead, model desired behavior whenever possible. Show her kindness and joke around with her when she isn’t playing the victim. Also remember you have a choice to remain in a toxic relationship or not. I understand this can be hard when you attend class together and live in close proximity! Good luck to you. If she doesn’t understand what she is doing, maybe just by setting the example you can affect her in a positive way! Maybe she will start to glean some insight! 🥰
Thank you! I am planning to just be friendly in class but not hangout with her outside of it. She just makes me feel bad and I don't like how I act when she takes her issues out on me
I have a question. I was in a similar situation, which is why I gave the advice I did, but I didn't know it was unhealthy. I felt bad for the person in question, and when everything eventually broke down, they were not only mad at me for being a "bad friend" but they said I was a jerk for even pitying them in the first place. This is a person who would follow me around, but who I never "shooed away" or invited out. We just had a lot of classes together. How can I handle what I did when I hurt them? What are some thought-changing steps I can take?
Just avoid her. When people are like this, they're usually going through some crap on their own end. It's not your job to fix them or take care of them. Just go about your life as you would normally, but don't go out of your way to invite her to hang out 1:1. You have no reason to
That's great advice thank you! I'm not trying to fix her but I just can't see of just don't understand how she can treat people so awful but basically not realize it? Also I am afraid that she will be really mean if I try to back away from the friendship
@delicatedaisy22 They get that way because they themselves are hurting in some way, it's a protection thing. Sometimes it's referred to as the "porcupines delimma". What happens is these people build up patterns of behavior which have helped them in the past, and now they're a part of that person's "default" behavior set. They don't really know they're doing it, they're just trying to protect themselves with techniques that have been working for them thus far. Again, though, it's not your problem to fix. The only thing you need to do is keep yourself safe and happy.
@AnonymousI that is really helpful! I feel bad that she had a really hard childhood and her parents were abusive to her but I just feel so frustrated because I have been really kind to her and she seems like she cares about me but just isn't good with friendships or had bad coping mechanisms
@delicatedaisy22 Thank you for talking to me about this. It's actually really comforting to know there are other OCD sufferers who have ended up in similar situations. I think what happens to us is that we know these people are having a hard time, and we have empathy for them, but our OCD and our fears also says "Hey you NEED to do [X]" But you don't! You can be kind to people without taking responsibility for their emotions. That's what people without OCD do. We're just the ones with brains full of stress-soup.
kind of a longer post. putting a trigger warning just incase but nothing really insanely triggering is mentioned. currently trying to slowly pull away from a toxic friendship. i’ve been friends with someone for almost 4 years and since i met her i’ve felt like i have been living a lie. to make a long story short, i’ve been feeling sort of like a doormat being walked on in this friendship. it’s hard for me to speak up for myself and with someone like her whose super outspoken about her own opinions and interests etc it’s hard for me to speak up and not just agree and move on. this has boiled into me just not being myself at all. i know to those who don’t experience this it’ll sound ridiculous. like just be honest and be yourself but it’s just sadly way more complicated then that. she’s also caused me to have extreme stress and anxiety and even panic attacks because of her behaviors when there’s conflict. to the point where whenever i explain the full situation i get the same response from everyone which is “why are you still friends with her”. pulling away from this friendship isn’t gonna be easy and i don’t really no how to do it. when asking my mom she’s telling me to flat out block her everywhere and that her actions are inexcusable. my therapist asked me if i’m getting anything from this friendship and when i hesitated to think of anything she said “i think you know your answer”. my entire family and friends and therapist are encouraging me to leave her and never look back. but i am mortified not only because of my OCD but because i know what she does when faced with conflicts. i’m mortified thinking of everything i’ve ever said to her wether it was right or wrong or if i ever confessed to past compulsions, talking about traumas and stuff. thinking about if i’ve ever mentioned anything about anything which i know I haven’t like i would never forget it if i did but now i’m worried since i’m trying to no longer be friends with her. i’m having a lot of false memories pop into my head and it’s been making this process a whole lot harder. stressing about even posting this, plus worried about my thoughts and emotions making my OCD worse and making me fear this whole situation even more. does anyone have any suggestions on how to ease these anxieties??? or advice specifically on ending long term friendships???
So I have an issue..My roomate doesnt wash her hands after going to the bathroom.And this trigger my ocd so much.I told my mom and she said she can transmit anything.She told me to talk with her...But idk how.I want to move and go to other room and idk how because we moved togheter because she had a troubling roomate.And we are collegues at university.I want to talk with her but idk how...she will ask herself what she did wrong and she is already in a bad state.She will ask me over and over and get upset
Not directly OCD related, but: The therapist I will be talking to is not yet my official therapist and to keep a long story as short as possible: I’m from Germany, you usually get 1-2 sessions without “signing a contract” to see if you get along, I haven’t signed yet because I honestly want a different therapist but I also don’t want to wait 6 months and this will already be my 4th session with her. This time, me and my best friend will both attend at the same time since we’ve had ongoing and reoccurring issues for the past 6 months in our friendship, including confusing romantic feelings on my behalf and an overall misunderstanding and misinterpretation of each others feelings towards each other. We both recently graduated and she already knows what university she will be attending (somewhat pretty far away from mine) and even if I wanted to I most likely can’t live near her or attend the same uni. I don’t know how to explain this, but I have been grieving part of our friendship for the past year and the first time I felt like something was off was about 1 1/2 years ago. We haven’t been friends for that long (about 2 1/2 years) but we became very close friends very quickly and I do not want to lose her. However, I do feel like she has changed. Not personality wise but in her attitude towards emotions and friendship? We used to talk so much more and everything felt happier in the beginning as it does now. Obviously our friendship has had its hardships in the last 6 months (she liked/likes(?) a boy, I liked/like(?) her, she used to like be but only in the beginning of our friendship) but I miss our conversations and picknicks and just hanging out with her like normal. We also hat a time in which we didn’t talk to each other for almost 2 months and NOTHING about this made anything easier. I’m genuinely trying to detach myself from her like she did with me but nothing works. Last week we had our high school grad ceremony and we danced and when I held her hands to guide her through the people dancing, I felt those stupid butterflies again and I genuinely don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think I wouldn’t even befriend now her if we were strangers, but we made so many memories and I hate change and graduating, moving away from ALL of my friends and losing the best friend I ever had is too much for me. I get so jealous thinking about how she is going to met new friends at uni and finding a partner and forgetting about me. And I don’t know how to say any of this tomorrow because my therapist honestly doesn’t seem to care about anything I say and neither does my friend. Everytime I say that I feel like there is an issue we need to solve or talk about she just shakes it off. I feel helpless.
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