Ocd being loud

I have a lot of thoughts about the universe, and they’re overwhelming—like being caught in a rip current, except it’s all inside my head. Most of the time, they’re about how small we are, how there really isn’t a “we” because our bodies aren’t truly ours—we’re just bacteria, cells, and microbes. The thoughts spiral, deeper and deeper, smaller and smaller, coiling until suddenly, I’m pulled under, drowning in a whirlpool. I’ve never felt like this before, and I’m convinced I’ve been faking it somehow. For the past few weeks, my OCD has been worse than it’s ever been in my 20 years of life. Or maybe I’m just more aware of it now. Has anyone else had their OCD suddenly get really bad? Does it ever end—if it even can? I’ve convinced myself that my intrusive thoughts aren’t actually intrusive, that my OCD is a choice, and that everything I do is intentional. As for compulsions, I don’t have the typical “If I don’t do ____ then ____ will happen” kind of thoughts. Instead, my brain simply commands, “Do ____,” and I always give in. It’s so loud in my head, and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m an imposter. Like I don’t belong here—like my presence on this app is an intrusion, invalidating everyone else’s struggles just by downloading it and daring to post. If anyone feels that way, if you think I’m intruding, I’m sorry. I only came here because I have no one to share my diagnosis with. Pouring my thoughts out, hoping someone might understand, feels less suffocating than journaling. Journaling is like letting a wound fester—each word burying the thoughts deeper, leaving them to decay in silence, for nobody to ever read but myself.

I was doing fine with my schizophrenia ocd (fear of developing schizophrenia/psychosis), mostly because I was obsessing on something else for a bit, but something caused it to come back. I was at work yesterday and checked out a customer, he didn’t know English very well and was very quiet. However, when he was leaving, he said “thank you” loudly while walking out and I told him to have a good night, but since I couldn’t see his face nor his mouth move, I worried that I hallucinated the whole thing and he in reality didn’t say anything while he was leaving. The voice that said it sounded a bit different, however it could’ve just been since I had only heard him talk quietly before. I’m still wondering if I hallucinated this and it freaks me out, causing my ocd to make me believe I’m developing schizophrenia/psychosis or losing my mind again. I also always read that the difference between those with schizophrenia/psychosis is those with OCD have insight and know their thoughts are crazy, but then that leads me down a spiral if what if I DONT think those thoughts are crazy? What if I actually believe them and become delusional/lack insight? So a statement that would be helpful otherwise made it worse for me. One night I had a panic attack super bad because I couldn’t convince myself I didn’t believe I was in a dream and hallucinating. Any advice on beating these constant thoughts and how to cope with it? :/

whats up guys what are some tips dealing with ocd and what to do when a thought makes u anxious ??