Fixating on borderline personality disorder this time... ugh! I can truly convince myef of anything

Other than the supposed OCD, I also feel like I may have BPD, which wouldn’t be all that surprising considering the people that conceived me are undoubtedly OCD and BPD asf but I feel problematic to self diagnose. The symptoms are eerily relatable and on Reddit I’ve seen people with diagnosed BPD talking about a “favorite person” that they obsess over and rely on for their “happiness”. Perhaps that’s why when I gain overly obsessive and attached crushes on guys it’s legit ALL I can think about 24/7. Not just the positive dreamy stuff, but also the scary negative stuff that I start making outlandish conclusions about them. Is that a thing for people with BPD, where they dread that their favorite person will give them a reason to no longer be their favorite person? Other than that, my mood and state of mind is terribly unregulated. It’s like my emotions cloud any logic and reasoning (which I guess can also be the OCD) that only increases my anxiety and depression and rumination. Caffeine obviously makes it worse but before I get anxious asf I feel excited and happy. Not to mention my impulsivity. I make a lot of self destructive choices and always find myself regretting them, but I still keep making them. When I eat I have to have something terribly unhealthy, and then I start binge eating. I also have a spending problem but that was last year so I’ve kind of moved away from that. I also feel DEEPLY insecure and always do my best to escape and avoid reality for my own sanity. And when I make plans with my friends I always feel anxious that it won’t go as planned. There’s also something I noticed when I get in a depressive mood, I start fantasizing about how everyone around me would react to my death. Not because I want to see them in pain but i like to think about how they’d feel or won’t feel about my passing. There’s probably a lot more to me that screams BPD, but at the same time there’s a chance that maybe I’m reaching.

I’ve gone through so many themes and seen the pattern so many times that I’m getting to a point where, new themes come in and I automatically identify my compulsions and the potential ones and then choose to not engage. OCD now is like a thorn in my side rather than a boulder suffocating me. But still that annoying little thorn that will always be there dispositionally

I know the solution is to always say “yeah that could be true, but I am choosing to live my life anyway.” However, I feel like my biggest issue is my brain always assuming that it is immediately true when I do that. Like if I say “maybe I’m attracted to teenagers, it’s possible,” then my brain INSTANTLY starts rationalizing that thought and defending it and being like “oh okay so you think this now and it makes sense because xyz, and now that’s who you are and your real desire is now and always will be teenagers.” I feel really alone in this area of feeling like my brain “accepting the thoughts” means my brain immediately accepts them as true. I obviously don’t want to think they’re true but I feel so stuck now.