I was getting better for a while, and then all the sudden the fear of being a narcissist is back. I don’t know what to do anymore, as I seemed to have lost all sense of self control that I had worked so hard to get.
I recently found out that my mother was emotionally abusive and neglectful to me, to the point I have a form of PTSD known as CPTSD, and people seemed to be shocked when I told them some of the things she did, and that confused me. I didn’t know or even consider the possibility she might be abusive until I saw the shock on other peoples faces.
I mentioned one time where me and my sister were fighting (we are adopted) over a toy when we were little, and she got mad and locked herself in the bathroom and then proceeded to make a loud fake phone call to the judge, asking him to send people to come and get us and take us away back to our biological parents because we “didn’t want her anymore and didn’t love each other”. She made me help my sister pack a suitcase too as I cried so hard I vomited and kicked on the door and begged her to hang up because I thought she was actually calling. She made sure it was loud enough for me to hear it.
She often threatened to take the car and drive away and never come back or drive it into a ditch or a lake, she’d constantly vent to me (when I was really little) about how horrible her life is or was and what happened to her (such as SA and abuse from her husband) whenever she was mad at me.
She’d say very loudly how bad of a mother she is, asking why God was punishing her with this life, begging God to kill her and that she’d go to hell, call herself bad names and even hit herself.
She did that a lot, threatening to call the judge or someone to take us away, telling us we weren’t grateful for her whenever we acted out like normal kids.
People have told me that is abuse, and honestly part of me doesn’t believe that still. I don’t have it in me to hate her, I just can’t. I tell her everything and go to her for everything, I RELY on her for everything. I’m still coming to terms with the fact I was abused as I thought I wasn’t, or that I was spoiled and bratty. I’ve apparently (my therapist told me) developed a coping mechanism of bottling up my feelings and not expressing myself because of this, and in turn it’s made me struggle to connect with others and then I wonder if I’m capable of love because of that. My biggest fear is hurting someone, and I get so scared that I’m not capable of love because I didn’t have many people in my life that loved me or showed me what love felt like. Relationships scare me, I get scared I will hurt the person, so I often offer them multiple ways out by saying “you can leave if you want, it’s okay.” Because I genuinely want them to know that they can leave if they feel like I’m not giving them what they need. I don’t want to hurt anyone.
I struggle to assert myself and will often subconsciously seek out abusive relationships because they’re comforting and apparently what I’m used to/what I feel like I deserve. I even apologize to my abusers for defending myself or telling them that I didn’t like what they were doing to me. I’m very self critical and will tell myself that every thought and every feeling I have is wrong. If I feel anger I ask myself “why am I angry? Is that a valid reason to be angry? No. You can’t be angry, that’s wrong.” Same goes for sadness or any negative emotion. Even if I have a valid reason to be upset at someone, I gaslight myself into believing that it’s not valid and that I’m being bad for feeling the way I do.
However when it comes to other people, I tell them to feel their feelings and that their feelings are beautiful, and make them human because I genuinely believe that feeling things is one of the most beautiful and fascinating things a human can do. I validate them for things I would criticize myself for, and genuinely believe that the person is valid despite not feeling the same amount of compassion for myself.
All of this somehow has me convinced I’m a narcissist of some kind. An abuser of mine pointed out my mothers toxic and controlling behavior, but he ended up being the same way. He would constantly tear me down, verbally/emotionally and manipulate me, telling me how horrible I was by saying I was lazy and never did anything never tell him anything never do XYZ. Now that I can see he was right about my mother, I’m worried he’s right about me too.
I’ve posted about it before on here, so if you’re curious you can look to see what else he’s done. Yes, I’ve apologized to him for reacting to his abuse, and genuinely felt bad for telling him that it made me uncomfortable or hurt me.
I’m worried that I don’t feel empathy, that I can’t love, that I’m a bad person. I don’t know what to do anymore, the thoughts have gotten so loud it’s overwhelming. Even though my therapist has literally told me that I often put other peoples feelings ahead of my own, to the point I don’t know who I am or how I feel, I still wonder if I’m a narcissist. She often tells me “facts over feelings” because I would make excuses for my abusers behaviors or fail to stick up for myself because I was worried about how they’d react or how THEY would feel despite me being the one abused. I know this was long, but can someone please take the time to comment if you’ve gone through something similar or know of something that can help. I’m just so lost, and I need someone, please.
