The Day OCD Started

Hello Everyone, I've been on this app for a minute but I haven't posted anything as I usually like to keep to myself. I'm not one that really likes to discuss in great detail what I am struggling with, but I understand that there may have been moments where OCD finally surfaced. Something I have heard on the lines of, "The Day Your Mind Broke." If so, I would like to ask what was that for some if everybody doesn't mind me asking? I would say I always had OCD but never knew what it was. I always had strange thoughts and paranoia about certain things. A main issue in my life has been my Aunt, my Dad, and one of my Cousins i am close to and i am finding out that they have been doing a lot of gaslighting towards me and my Mother. They've been a problem for awhile and i do believe are a major cause of my issues that are present to this day. As time went on, I went into High School and had a horrible first year which I guess is where you could say that the OCD symptoms started to appear, but I was able to suppress it for the time being as i had been doing as a child whenever I had dealt with something stressful or anxious. After what happened and continually dealing with the antics of my Dad, Aunt, and Cousin, I became very angry and slightly became reclusive. To me, the world was awful and there was no point in having friends because they just use you. In this, I dabbled into some dark territory on the internet. Some of the stuff and movies I watched were enough to keep me awake at night and have anxiety that would have to calm down. I already dealt with anxiety issues due to how my Dad was, so this was already compiled onto that. One day, I dabbled a little too much and the anxiety I got from it was unbearable. Everything in me was at a high 10, and I did not want to express to my Mom and Grandmother the emotions I was dealing with because I would have to talk about what I was looking up. I barely could go to sleep, my dreams also carried this problem, day in and out was a struggle to get through. My idea to control it was starting to do things that were OCD like. It became an actual problem, but it was one that I could keep from my Mom and Grandmother. I eventually told them because I couldn't keep it in, and they warmly embraced me and tried to help. The pain and anxiety was still there and wouldn't go away. We started thinking it could be that I need to be more sociable and that I have been denying that, and I did agree. I was fully on board with being more sociable until Covid hit and I was severely pissed off. As time went on, my issue became worse and one night last year, I told my Mom what I had been dealing with and she embraced me and we went on to try to get me help. Speed up to now, I've been very in and out. Unfortunately, near the end of last year, my Grandmother passed and since me and my Mother cared for her, it hit us hard. I eventually got under a therapist that diagnosed me with OCD and here I am.

JB1020

Date posted: 3y

I'm sorry you have had to deal with OCD. But I'm glad you got a diagnosis and can get on a path to dealing with it better! The world can be a very dark or very hopeful place, depending on our perspective and how we are taking care of ourselves and each other. The first real experience with OCD I can recall was in the 4th grade. I lied to my teacher about something really trivial. I was consumed with guilt, felt very compelled to "confess" to this lie and felt like bad things would happen if I didn't. I broke down in the bathroom, paralyzed with anxiety. I dealt with it on/off for 20 years, mostly in silence, before being diagnosed last year.

Whit.D25

Date posted: 22w

1st post-What my OCD experience feels like. Pt1 Ig

I’ve come to a point in my life where I can be very happy. I have a safe environment, a loving community. Yknow I’ve really healed through or moved on from a traumatic past and as I say to my boyfriend from time to time like a broken record: I feel like nowadays the only thing bringing me stress or at times misery is myself. I am a fairly joyful person, when I’m comfortable I’m very goofy and like to sing dance and have fun. I find that I relate to so many amazing people I meet that are the nicest, most fun, elevating individuals, who also struggle with the hardest sometime debilitating things. It truly sucks because when I find those moments of peace I see the power of what an ocd mind could be as a person. We are people who may over analyze, but I myself also always find the good in people. And aye if in a moment I don’t think anything is doomly wrong and if I don’t try to understand it I may parish 😅 then that moment feels like the best one in the world. But on the other side of that when I’m not in a quiet mind moment and I’m left with myself to take control of what life in front of me looks like in or around me. I almost have been crumbling. Like I said at the beginning of this story here, the life around me is not so situationally stressful. And it’s also fairly simple. My boyfriend and I live together in a small cozy trailer with our two cats, he works full time very hard and I work part time where I spend as much time as I can working and then have a few days around the house. We’re saving for a home and are quite content with our lifestyle at the moment with work and being “lazy”, or resting and going out for fun now an then on our time off together. Most times though I do have day or two off during the week by myself, which usually goes one of only two ways. Like I said before I do like to work hard, especially now that I have a part time job that’s fairly easier than others I’ve had in the past. So I work 6-7 hours then drive home, air up my tires and wash my car sometimes because I like doing something after work while I still have energy.Or I go to the store. Come home make food, prolly nap and not really worry about too much because I’ve worked all day. But on my days off. I find myself waking up with a lot of anxiety. I usually fight it off by going back to sleep. But my OCD is heavily circled around shame. Even though I only sleep in till 10-11, 12-1 at the latest. I find myself thinking about how wrong (in nice terms) it is to do that. And the funny thing is the older I get (I’m a 21F). I’m not as pressured by this thought, even though it’s still stressful it literally just feels like a thought I can’t escape from. To put things in simple terms. I truly psycho analyze my actions breath by breath and my intrusive thoughts are critiquing those actions bit by bit. I’ve recently have started medication and it was a tremendous difference in the beginning and it helped me cope with the acceptance and letting go (f it or just care less) of those thoughts. But let’s say I forget to take it, or I wake up one morning by myself all day and I’m super tired or unmotivated. That day will feel truly debilitated. And now I’m definitely to the point where I’m battling that, but also have a thin vale behind that where I now know what is going on. And the thoughts are shameful for “not trying to get better or be better” Because I do Like I write a lot, and it truly is one of the best coping mechanisms for working through intrusive or obsessive compulsions. I could also write all day, and if I don’t listen to that ease of the anxiety from writing. And try to keep going the writing will turn into a compulsion itself I feel like I should not stop or critique it as well. But luckily I’ll hopefully find my place in explaining the cycle of what I do when my brain is very loud about things. The next time it’s too loud:)

Insephy

Date posted: 22w

When did you realize you have OCD?

Last year during April I started to experience groinal responses when I looked at kids. I was terrified of what it could mean and decided to attempt two weeks later. The very next day I had those responses I decided to attempt. I didn’t really have the courage to do so at that time but I started experiencing images about disturbing things done to kids and as days went by it got worse. April 16 was the last straw and I couldn’t take it anymore. I ended up in a mental hospital but before I ended up there I had searched up what I was experiencing. That’s when I started to understand that it was OCD. I felt relieved for a few moments until I felt the urge to get more information. I saw lots and lots of things and many comments saying that it wasn’t normal and that people who went through this were disgusting people who shouldn’t be allowed to roam free. That’s when my anxiety and fear became worse and I tried to get rid of it but nothing worked. I shook the entire time I was awake, I didn’t have motivation for anything anymore, I just felt so disgusting. In the end, I’m so glad I ended up in that mental hospital or else I wouldn’t be here with my friends and family. Thank you for reading my story, I’m so glad that I’m not alone

POCD

AnonymousAnx...

Date posted: 22w

My OCD experience

I’ve always had OCD, and for most of my life it was little things that seemed manageable at the time or something that would phase out of my head within a couple days/weeks/months. But, the older I got the more severe it became, I’d find myself collapsing deeper and deeper within my own head trying to out think the thoughts that bothered me. About a year ago I had a thought that rattled me to my core. My brothers and I were watching a movie in our mother’s room when my youngest brother turned to me to say something. His close proximity to me triggered a fleeting sexually explicit image in my head and that thought caused me to spiral. Asking questions like, “are you attracted to your minor brother? Are you attracted to minors? Are you gay? Etc.” a couple days went by and my mental stability continued to crumble until I broke down to my mother, she was understanding and we found a a psychiatrist. I got on medication and for a while everything was slowly but surely trending in a positive direction. The thoughts would still pop into my head but they were becoming more manageable. As we all know OCD and mental illness comes in waves. Currently my OCD has been pretty severe. I feel those intrusive thoughts latching on in my head and it’s been very hard to kick them. It’s gotten to the point where I find myself being uncomfortable being in close proximity with my little brother because I feel as though I am capable of harming him in any way. And the more uncomfortable I become being around him the more I find myself lashing out in anger towards the people I care about the most. Those moments of anger cause me to spiral even farther as my head fills with ideas like “what if you are capable of hurting someone or even murdering them?” There’s times where these thoughts rattle me so much that I feel like it would be better to be in prison where I couldn’t harm someone or that even being dead would be a better solution than possibly running the risk of hurting someone in my life I care about. This is about the jist of it, a majority of the OCD I have is centered around the idea that I am capable of harming my little brother physically, mentally, sexually. It’s been exhausting and it feels like there is no end in sight.

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The Day OCD Started

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