RECOVERY UPDATE

It was really hard at the beginning. I was trying my best to push through and not engage but I was always failing. I think the mere fact that I tried helped a lot, it was like my brain reset. You also need to make sure you focus on daily activities, things that make you happy! Right now I’m spending a lot of time with my long distance partner, so it’s quite a nice time for me, although they’ve been here since June 16th, so it wasn’t easy to enjoy it at first. Just think of how much of your life OCD is taking from you and claim it back. You will fall back, especially at first, but the change of attitude makes everything easier. And remember, you’re NOT alone! Everyone on this app feels the exact same — everyone is convinced to be a monster and non deserving of love or acceptance. But it’s a lie, your mind lies to you!

@luckydawg I find it hard to notice when I am engaging, because the thoughts come so automatically. And its hard when the thoughts are connected to romantic relationships and life decisions that feel all the more urgent to resolve. I love my partner for example but the thoughts make me feel like I am fighting against what I actually want. It feels very distressing, and I even feel resistant towards him seeing it as OCD because it feels so real, like it delegitimized it to some extent. Why do I feel so strongly that its not OCD, as if its something that I cant quite accept?

@Sunny4 I know what you mean my love. The thoughts have been giving you fear and anxiety, right? The mere fact that you fear the thoughts makes it OCD, also because it is an obsession that you can’t get over, you can’t control. I suggest, you know what those thoughts are, you know your triggers. If you don’t, try and pay very close attention to them. What scares you the most? When are you the most likely to get into a spiral? Does the spiral lead to your panic? Once you’ve observed your thought pattern, you can slowly recognise it for what it is — OCD attack. And you can address it as such. Usually when that happens to me, I immediately smile, I think “yeah, here you are again. You’re not tired yet, huh? You really want to try to make me feel miserable again?” It’s very film-like, but it helps me. I think of it as some antagonist that wants to convince me of something. Slowly, by disregarding it, you’ll see that you’ll learn how to live again. One common thing in OCD is that it takes away from you the ability to think rationally — once you’ve spiraled into those thoughts again, try and record them or write them down as though you were telling someone, then read it as if they were someone else’s. You’ll see how silly they are, deep down.

@luckydawg Thank you for your advice, it makes me feel affirmed and not alone. I am so tired of suffering and the only way I can guarantee its gone is to leave my partner but I dont think thats what I really want. I think what I want is to be able to enjoy our relationship and life, and to be able to have a healthy relationship with any doubts that come up, being able to discuss them in a calm way. I am doing therapy through NOCD and it has been really amazing to have that support. We had planned a more difficult exposure last week but then I was triggered in our couples therapy in relation to going through all this work with treatment and doubting if its all worth it and if its really what I want to do, and then it escalated from there. One big trigger is when I have these feelings/doubts/emotional reactions and share them with my partner. I then start to obsess over how much it affects him and I feel intense guilt. After such a big trigger, similar triggers often follow. Yesterday I had lots of intrusive thoughts about our relationship, especially comparing us to the other couple we were with, lots of repetitive "am I living the life I want?", "probably not, I should do something about it", "look at how happy they are in their relationship, and I feel crappy about us". Many urges to take action. Then guilt about this situation and how its affecting my partner but also fears about my individual suffering that then feed into my breaking up thoughts. Its a mess to navigate and feels like a vicious cycle. Sorry for the information overload.