i have pretty severe obsessions surrounding being “ethical” and being terrified to do anything someone might see as bad or wrong. i usually have a pretty okay handle on it overall but i do often indulge in compulsions involving searching twitter accounts of both people i do and don’t know personally to see what they personally view as ethical/wrong/etc, and i recently went on the page of a friend that i haven’t really spoken to in around a year and a half who basically said if you like true crime you’re a terrible person with no empathy for the people involved and who blindly support official narratives despite high rates of corruption/lying/etc. i am someone who watches some true crime, i used to do so a lot more but lowered my viewing due to a lot of the reasons my friend referenced, but obviously i don’t agree that liking it in any capacity makes you a bad person. normally this is something i could shake off with some time and space, but the fact that it’s someone j used to be very close to is making it stick more, as the idea that she would think i’m an awful person (despite us watching things like buzzfeed unsolved which has true crime aspects together before) stresses me out, even though we have had previous ethical disagreements (one being the last conversation we really had) though this was before my obsession honed in on this topic. i just don’t really know how to feel about it because on the one hand i do agree that a lot of true crime can be very unethical and terrible, but i don’t think the entire concept and everyone who listens to it can be painted with that broad of a brush, but my brain and past close relationship is making me think i’m wrong and just justifying this to myself and maybe i really am an awful person

so, i’ve talked here before about the discord community i used to be in. they were rpg servers, there were adults and minors both in the community, and while there were rules against NSFW, jokes were definitely still made and lines were crossed. i was 19 at the time, and though i’m fairly certain i never made and explicit sexual jokes or remarks, i was still there when others did. my best friend did make suggestive jokes, and i still laughed. i didn’t leave. i feel guilty and tainted and like this is the end of the line for me- i have a following and an online career, and it feels like all of that is going to go up in smoke, because i didn’t realize that being friends with young teens as an 18-19 year old could be weird, or risky. i feel like this is proof of every bad thing that i’ve worried i am. if i could be there, and be okay with all the things that were said and joked about and just ignore them, what else am i capable of? i love my life, and my family. i don’t want them to see me as a monster. my mom thinks i’m making a mountain out of a molehill, but i don’t know if i agree with her. i’ve looked at other cases of people who have been cancelled for being inappropriate around minors online, sending inappropriate photos or making jokes and their entire lives go up in smoke. Is that me? they’re labeled every horrible thing under the sun. did they just not think? I don’t know what i’ll do if people believe that about me. my worst fear feels like it’s coming to life before my eyes after lying dormant and tugging at the back of my mind for almost 4 years. I fought the urge to re-read old chats for that long, but i finally gave in, and while i still haven’t found anything i said or did that could be considered incriminating, i remember new things every time the last worry starts to settle. I tried to log back into old instagram accounts to check old chats there, and remembered i’d already deleted them in a panic, so now i’ll never know, and it feels like the fact that i felt guilty enough to delete the accounts at all is incriminating enough. I don’t think i can ever move past this. i don’t deserve to be here- i’m actually a monster, and i ruined my life before it even started.

This morning I was looking at comics from an artist I really love. She portrays complicated and morally grey characters in their work, which is something I really respect about her art. When I went to the comments, someone was talking about how the artist is obviously a creep and disgusting person just like her characters. The commenter said that she has a thread detailing why she's a creep on a forum that is NOTORIOUS for harassing LGBT+ people on the Internet. I couldn’t help but check her thread despite me knowing how horrible the forum is. I didn't find anything morally reprehensible in that thread, just a lot of people misgendering her and calling her disgusting names just for being LGBT+. I'm embarrassed that I checked anyway, and I'm very scared knowing that the forum still exists. I've had previous obsessions worrying about me and my Internet posts ending up there and being harassed, I'm trying not to search any of my old usernames on the forum. Also still worried that maybe I'm wrong and the artist I follow IS problematic and she'll get canceled in spaces where she was respected and I should stop trying to defend her and just unfollow her.

i’ve been having this theme pop up recently where if I see people either criticize or be a hater and spread misinformation or seeing old controversies about my current interests/hyper-fixations i find myself having a crazy anxiety attack about if it’s “morally okay” to be interested in my interests anymore. i feel really singled out and like im doing something wrong because im watching a youtuber or listening to a specific musical group. in all of these specific situations the people involved have talked about the situations and have changed accordingly but seeing it makes me feel like i shouldn’t be allowed to like my favorite things. to be clear none of these things are dramatically evil or bad. it’s either misinformation/uneducated people influencing someone opinion and then they learn and change. it just makes me feel like im not allowed to like my favorite things anymore because of people criticizing it??? if that makes sense??? also this is a little off topic but also not really because i’m 99.99% sure im autistic because of MANY things but with this specifically i have very strong interests and i feel very deep feelings about them and any and all criticism or hateful comments towards my favorite things trigger me deeply and make my ocd act up and make me feel uncomfortable and uncertain and anxious and it causes physical discomfort to me. i really don’t know how to calm myself down about this specific theme it’s brand new and makes me feel really anxious. not trying to look for reassurance but does anyone else understand what i mean??? does anyone have any advice on how to not give into the negative comments??? any suggestions on how to ease this specific anxiety???