I’ve a memory and i can’t figure it out. Idk what was the situation and my emotions and stuff and I’ve been ruminating for it for the pas week.. for hours a day and now I am so tired that I can’t think and like it feels like i giving up and don’t fight, it feels like ocd is now telling me “see, you don’t think about it cause you are a monster”
Same here... You're not a monster... Your brain is just too tired... Imagine it like this... If you would work out every day all day to accomplish your goal and one day your body would stop working is it because your lazy or because you are exhausted? Your brain is also an organ and you can exhausted it the same way you would exhaust your legs or arms.... The fact that your lack of interest in solving it scares you is the first indicator that you care... This is basically reassurance and I know it's not good for us but trust me this is normal... You are just tired... Take a day or two of... If you're not ready to le it go (I am also not ready and my false memory is killing me) just take it as a sick day. Rest a little and than I you want you can always go back to ruminating... I know you feel urgency to figure it out... I do too but the chance is if you didn't by know you won't be able to in the future... I don't want to tell you to just let it go because I know how hard (basically impossible) it is but I've been living with this shit for more than 6 years. It cost me 2 major depressive episodes and the last 3 months were a living nightmare and I dug and dug...red everything there was on memory and false memory... Every study, every scientific paper, every lecture, every podcast... Hell at this point I could teach neuroscience... I event went and sked a person who would most likely new if it happened and they said no ... And guess what? I am still doubting and still suffering... There is no answer your ocd would accept... You're talking to an idiot... No matter how many facts you give to the ocd... No matter how logical and rational you'll be... It won't listen because for every fact there is a "what if".. It's like talking to a 3 year old... They ask you "why" over and over again and at the end they'll ask "but why"? And you'll right where you started... I wish I could help you or give an answer but I don't have it either... And I can assure you there is no answer.
Yep I’ve had ocd since i was 6, but it was different, then now (im 18) and i have a memory i don’t even know from when this was, i thimk some years ago (3 or 4 something) and I repeat that situation over and over again cause i was alone.. so I can’t ask others, but sometimes i ask my mom to reassure me or i tell her my doubts, idk but it gives me a good feeling. I also sleep all day because I’m so exhausted but when i wake up after that nap i feel so bad
I thought reassurance would cure me... For 6 years I believed if I asked and she says no (my mom) I would be cured... Nope... Not how it works... Even if you could ask someone you would doubt it... I doubt if she remembers correctly or if I actually said it to her (if it happened)... I used to confess a lot like a lot a lot and still O doubt if I confessed this.. or maybe I forgot about it and never confessed... The possibilities are endless... Recently I had more memory stuff happen to me when I am not sure what exactly happened and even though I know I didn't have bad intentions I am still unsure... Reassurance feels good because it operates the same way addiction does. You need to get your fix (in this case reassurance) than you sober up (uncertainty hit you) and you need another fix and the cycle continues... Ali Graymond (idk if you know her... She has a YouTube channel and is a couch for people with ocd... She had ocd for years) said few things... 1. If it happened you wouldn't have doubt. You would know. When it comes to other memories you know if they're real or not. You don't doubt. 2. If it happened you would have the whole story. The context. It would be worth you the whole time...you wouldn't just one day magically remembered. Also if it's an emotional situation you're more likely to remember because the amygdala attaches emotions to the memory so it is stored better to protect you from a similar situation in the future. This is just me doing the worst thing... Giving you more reassurance but I just want to show you that no matter what you do or how much you learn about memory and false memories and the brain and ocd those information are worthless when it comes to you... That's why it's so easy to give advice not others... Stop digging you'll not gonna find the answer because there isn't one.. you'll just digging yourself deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole of doubt
@simka Omg yes yes! About the confession. After it I’m like “but did i say everything?? Did i forgot something” ans mostly I confess more, but sometimes reassurance helps me, you know because some thoughts are normal, but for someone with ocd it feels not and then I’m like oke oke.. but mostly when i think I’m “done” with obsessing about something and think i found “the answer” another obsession pops up… i had this last week.. so i was obsessing the whole weekend while i had examens and Sunday i felt relief and then 1 hour after i was like “oh is it over?? But wait.. what about that situation..” and then it all started and it gets worse every obsession
@Hhehgehehhh It's never gonna end as long as we pay attention to it... There is no answers or "aha" moment... If there was someone would already discovered it... So the only way to live is to tolerate the uncertainty. And yes it is almost impossible but if others are able to do it hopefully we can too... Even though now it feels like an impossible goal.. I am struggling so much lately and if it wasn't for all the meds I am on I would probably go crazy...
@simka I’m scared that i just know the answer punt pretend i dont and I’m just in denial. Also I’ve been ruminating for this for the past week and i am so drained that im now at a point I don’t care, i mean i do. But i just say stop when i want to ruminate cause i know it’s going to give me stress and that I’m going to be more unsure also, it gives me a good feeling that i can always confess to someone.. like my mom. So if I can’t take it anymore, i can go to her
@Hhehgehehhh Oh the classic "what if I am in denial"... Often fallowed by "what if my memory is actually real ale I am the only one hiding behind the whole false memory lcd thing" ... Yop been there done that... Ocd is a bitch... The doubt is gonna eat you alive if you let it... Trust me... I am at a point where I am totally fucked up because of this theme... Of I wasn't on so many meds I would probably lose it already... I was having 3 panic attack a day... Stopped eating, showering, brushing my teeth and than the crippling depression came... Don't let it do this to you... Fight... I am trying to as well... Confessing is only feeding the cycle... Imagine it as if you were a drug addict... You're addicted to certainty... You need your fix... But if you go get you just feed the addiction. If you resist, eventually you'll get better. Go and watch the Town Hall on false memory ocd and Real event ocd on YouTube also go and read Jon Hershfield's article on false memories. I also recommend Chrissie Hodges and Nathan Peterson. And girls from Purely ocd did a great job on explaining false memory and real event and of course the one and only Johnathan Grayson and his uncertainty focused therapy.
How do you know the difference :( I genuinely cannot keep living in this torment. it all started with an ‘intrusive thought’ where I had like a hazy flash of something reading an article. and I remember thinking ‘what if’ and ‘what is this’ and then that intrusive thought turned into me ‘remembering’ something else. which caused me panic. then I started trying to find evidence because it contradicted what I remembered this entire time. this was last year in like september. fast forward to march this year, it came back up- but this time stronger and with more ‘details’ and what nots. and I’ve been ruminating on it since then trying to remember and connect and It’s like I’ve added all of these details. but are they real? or is this just my OCD? I just feel like if it were real I would have never been able to keep it to myself. but also what if it was so traumatic that I blocked it out? because it all makes NO sense for me to do something like that. but it also fits what I was thinking at the time. idk
So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.
It is not the thoughts or urges that scare me anymore. It is the way I feel like I’ve absorbed the compulsions into my identity :( I am doing them so automatically that it feels like I am choosing them freely and they’re me. and because of that, it feels like I AM the OCD now, not just someone with OCD. I think I’m just deeply trapped in a loop. I was trying to survive unbearable fear so I started scanning. Then I started pre-scanning. Then checking if I pre-scanned. Then I check how I feel during all that. I run to beat my OCD to the “punchline” (intrusive thought, urge, sensation) because I’m so scared all the time. So scared that I don’t even feel it anymore. I feel numb and all that’s left is this jittery residue and numbness. Now it’s all tangled together in a huge knot. I feel so extremely lost. I think this may just be meta OCD, but I’ve never ever felt so gone before :( I’m really scared.
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