Intrusive thoughts and depression

I usually would say I’ve never been depressed , but recently in my life since my anxiety/ocd has been so bad and having relationship problems I’m feeling kinda sad / stressed. I keep getting scared of being depressed I keep having intrusive thoughts of “ you’d would be better off if you weren’t living” “ I don’t wanna live if it’s like this” and it’s just scaring me 😞

I know I keep talking about This but I’m too tired :( I’m really struggling and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I might be the only person who experiences this in the way I do. It’s gotten so bad that during intimacy or self-pleasure, I feel like I’m acting on a thought — like my body is moving because of it. It’s terrifying and deeply hurtful. The moment it happens, I immediately panic, try to rewind everything in my head, and ruminate to figure out what I was thinking at that exact second… but I can never remember. That makes it even worse. feel so lost and hopeless, like I’ll never be able to heal or move on from this. People tell me “it’s just OCD,” but it doesn’t feel like OCD to me. It feels like I’m the exception — like no one else truly experiences it like this, especially the part where it feels like I physically responded to a thought. I know people say “others go through this too,” but my mind keeps saying, “not like this, not this specific thing.”Sometimes I just wish I could go back and relive those moments so I could be sure what happened, but I know that’s not possible. I feel so stuck in guilt and doubt that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m scared I’m a bad person and that I’ll always feel this way. I’ll never be free or be the same again everyday I live with deep depression

A year ago u started to have these debilitating sexual intrusive thoughts sometimes they’d even come in forms of demands and a thing I’d do slit is agree but then if get really sad bc in my heart it didn’t feel right that wasnt something I wanted I started to lose myself so terribly my entire identity was stripped away from me I had zero clue of who I’d been my life before wasnt great but it was mine yk so ofc I started to perform compulsions like avoidance and other things bc I was genuinely scared my future felt threatened I tried everything no matter how much I’d say no, tried to agree, tried accepting the thoughts in hopes of recovery they only became louder until there was no me just thoughts but I started playing volleyball and it was something that truly grounded me for the first time I felt like myself I was doing whatever I wanted despite my thoughts I was being defiant i even started to like a girl and I liked her so much because she was the first person I’ve ever liked while liking myself and I Always felt guilty because I thought I wasn’t doing enough to honor my past or I felt like I should be doing more because I felt better but I moved on anyway despite the guilt but a couple months ago I had a panic attack it was weeks of intrusive thoughts leading up to it and I started to feel immense guilt I felt like I was losing myself again like it Was time for me to pay penance and it sounds terrible to describe it that way but the way they were so loud so demanding I felt guilty because before all my intrusive thoughts came I wouldn’t have felt like this and I wouldn’t have not wanted whatever was in my thoughts to happen so then it got louder thoughts like “ if ur reacting this way to one thing why not another” “u should feel this way because u would’ve in the past” and I couldn’t say no because it was true in the past I would’ve wanted that right so the louder it got the more I agreed because I felt like i wasnt allowed to say no and there’d be this quiet when I agreed it wasnt peace but quiet and I felt like I should’ve been grateful and when I’d break from the agreeing it was too late I craved the quiet but not the thoughts and I couldn’t have one without the other so now I feel like I’m on the outside looking in on my own life and there’s nothing I can do abt it bc I was given the Opportunity to feel better and did nothing abt it