I’m finally telling her

So, this may or may not be OCD, but I have been overthinking about this for a while. Also, it does not help that my friends and family say I should try and date my friend. I’m a 24 year old guy and my birthday was yesterday, and for my birthday, my good female friend brought me a PS5. She works at a hospital, and she and her friends always give each big gifts, plus she makes a good amount of money (like she pays twice as much as she should on her car note just so she can pay it off faster) so I’m sure she didn’t have to try and save up for it. I was hesitant to tell my friends about it because they were going to assume that she might like me, and I have been overthinking about that before a few times myself. However, she told me about two situationships she was in and asked for advice about one of the guys, so I didn’t think she liked me and she calls me her twin. I eventually did tell my friends in some family members and of course they asked if I thought she liked me. When I respond that I don’t think she does, they tell me that a PS5 is a really big gift like I don’t know that a PS5 is a big gift. They also say that friends normally don’t buy each other big gifts unless they like each other or someone likes the other one. This of course sparked anxiety, and I am now currently overthinking about it right now. Thinking about past interactions such as one time she invited me to go bowling and I thought our coworkers were coming as well because we all went out to go bowling one time but she was just inviting me alone, and I turned it down because I I was afraid it was gonna be a date (she straight up, said she was asking me out). There was one time we’re hanging out in my car past midnight and I kept thinking that I should probably cut this short. Also, this is making me question if I should like her. Maybe, there’s some false attraction there. I’ve been getting the thought that I should like her and I should take her out however it’s never me actually wanting to do it. I don’t know. I don’t want this to get too long but what are you guys think? I’m gonna go talk to my therapist about it on Friday.

(21+ ONLY: TRIGGER WARNING) I have therapy today and I’m nervous. I just started going to therapy and I really like my therapist. She talked to me about doing ERP and I’m really nervous about it. I’m scared to tell her the extent of my OCD, and my themes. I’m scared to tell her about my false memory OCD, because I’m scared that what I did was real and I’m just excusing it as false memory, although I have no memory of it. I’m scared that I am truly a monster and I’m using OCD as an excuse—and that she’ll find out and distance herself. I’m just scared that my whole world is gonna fall apart, all around me.

Not directly OCD related, but: The therapist I will be talking to is not yet my official therapist and to keep a long story as short as possible: I’m from Germany, you usually get 1-2 sessions without “signing a contract” to see if you get along, I haven’t signed yet because I honestly want a different therapist but I also don’t want to wait 6 months and this will already be my 4th session with her. This time, me and my best friend will both attend at the same time since we’ve had ongoing and reoccurring issues for the past 6 months in our friendship, including confusing romantic feelings on my behalf and an overall misunderstanding and misinterpretation of each others feelings towards each other. We both recently graduated and she already knows what university she will be attending (somewhat pretty far away from mine) and even if I wanted to I most likely can’t live near her or attend the same uni. I don’t know how to explain this, but I have been grieving part of our friendship for the past year and the first time I felt like something was off was about 1 1/2 years ago. We haven’t been friends for that long (about 2 1/2 years) but we became very close friends very quickly and I do not want to lose her. However, I do feel like she has changed. Not personality wise but in her attitude towards emotions and friendship? We used to talk so much more and everything felt happier in the beginning as it does now. Obviously our friendship has had its hardships in the last 6 months (she liked/likes(?) a boy, I liked/like(?) her, she used to like be but only in the beginning of our friendship) but I miss our conversations and picknicks and just hanging out with her like normal. We also hat a time in which we didn’t talk to each other for almost 2 months and NOTHING about this made anything easier. I’m genuinely trying to detach myself from her like she did with me but nothing works. Last week we had our high school grad ceremony and we danced and when I held her hands to guide her through the people dancing, I felt those stupid butterflies again and I genuinely don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think I wouldn’t even befriend now her if we were strangers, but we made so many memories and I hate change and graduating, moving away from ALL of my friends and losing the best friend I ever had is too much for me. I get so jealous thinking about how she is going to met new friends at uni and finding a partner and forgetting about me. And I don’t know how to say any of this tomorrow because my therapist honestly doesn’t seem to care about anything I say and neither does my friend. Everytime I say that I feel like there is an issue we need to solve or talk about she just shakes it off. I feel helpless.