I'm scared of my mom's verbal abuse and unsure how to escape.

My niece was having an attitude with me and I told her to stop having an attitude my mom defended her and snapped at me when my niece was in the wrong (she’s 11 and has a horrible attitude with me all the time) and I tried to defend myself and my mom threatened to pull over and slap me in my face and I said whatever to show I wasn’t afraid and then she said it again that she would slap me dead in the face and it’s not the only time she’s threatened me like that. She’s threatened to hit me many times before growing up. She also treats me like I’m nothing and shows no care for me whatsoever and makes me feel unloved and like a burden when it comes to my niece she’s perfect and gets whatever she wants and validation. I get threatened and yelled at. I’m 23 but I’m on vacation with them and I can’t escape. I’m now crying in the car trying to be quiet. I just really need help. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. I feel like giving up because why should I even be here if my mom doesn’t care about me or love me. I don’t even know if this would even be considered abuse or not 💔

I’m going to be really vulnerable and some of this is embarrassing but I need to talk to somebody. My mom is a narcissist…I was kicked out of the house yesterday for simply responding to something she said, she took it the wrong way and now I’m living with my sister. My father also told my mom he wants a divorce (after the argument) he has left and for the first time we are all separated we always bicker and argue but it’s just us 3, we are all we got. I’m scared and all I want is love…a major part of my ocd is scheduling, timing, planning, lists and saying things just right. I had my week planned out, tomorrow I was supposed to go and spend the money I got for my bday and get my birthday present which was going to adopt a new cat…now I don’t get to. I had my week planned perfectly and now it’s ruined and I keep having panic attacks over it. I also have Asperger’s and I’m scared of the change. My mom told me I could come back tonight and now she changed her mind and said she doesn’t want me back…I made her something for Mother’s Day which I was really proud of and took me almost 3 hours to make. She told me last night she hated it for the soul reason that I made it. Please somebody help me not feel scared for the change. I’m also having panic attacks becuase I wasn’t able to say goodnight the way I like to say it last night and so now that was ruined to (my Asperger’s and OCD combined like me to say things just right every night or my head tells me everything is ruined)

Sorry this is long I don’t know where to begin but, at the beginning of the year I went through something that was hard. And I was so mad at God bc I was so hurt and I felt like I was in so much pain and I was so alone. And I remember I had some bad thoughts. I don’t remember these thoughts exactly but lietrally months later I was sitting down all normal and dealing with other forms of OCD that were so painful, but less painful than this. Anyways so then since then I have been stressing that I might have acted of these thoughts. I don’t have a memory but my brain keeps telling me I did that. Anyways I have been having intrusive thoughts since and it hurts so much. It hurts so bad and I can’t do this anymore. I don’t wanna do this anymore. I keep having these thoughts and it makes me stress so much and want to throw up. It makes me hurt myself. I have bruises all over my body and I’m just so done with this. And sometimes my brain will bring these memories of these intrusive thoughts into my mind or say my trigger thoughts and it makes me hurt so much. And then I start to go over these thoughts bc I feel so bad and I don’t want to have them. Sometimes when I am stressing about theee things they pass by and it makes me panic so bad. I was lietrally just eating and I was punching my hand so hard while thinking about all the thoughts I have had and the things my OCD had made me believe I did, and while I was doing that a thought came to my mind about what my OCD keeps telling me I did and I panicked so hard. I had to eat so fast just so I can lock myself up in my room. I didnt want to have the thought. I think I was just lost in listening to my OCD and then I started talking to myself about what I think I did and when I had the thought I was punching my self so hard that I didn’t even have time to shake it off straight away. I have this conclusion where whenever I have a bad thought I write it down bc my brain tells me that I’m a bad person and I should forget about these thoughts so I grabbed my phone as soon as the panic set in. Sometimes I question whether I had those thoughts intentionally or if i forget them and then I remember the wrong thing and it makes me feel even worse. My brain tells me that if I don’t panic staright away and hurt myself then it means that I mean the thought. I’m in so much pain. I’m really don’t want to think about it but it happens and it feel so real and that it comes from me and that I did something bad. I know this makes no sense but I don’t want to be like this. I go to bed most nights hoping I never wake up. I really don’t mean theee thoughts, sometimes they come when u I’m justify thinking about all the bad things my OCD has made me believe I did and then I panic over remberinf these things. What if im thinking this on purpose? What if the thought I had is so much worse? What if God will never forgive me? I don’t want to live anymore I hate my life and im never going to get out of this. I was just trying to have a normal dinner but my mind never stops. Whether it’s me imaegnitn things or thinking about my thoughts and going over them, I feel so guilty. I can’t even get any help bc I can’t afford it. No one knows I go through this. Ok all alone. Im all alone .