So confused and upset

Honestly, I feel so confused right now. I previously had socd in March and April. The thing is, idk what caused it start but ever since I was very young I always had a feeling that I wasn’t straight and I think that insecurity made my anxiety and fears worse. The only way for me to overcome this was to accept that I wasn’t straight (I still don’t exactly know my sexuality). After that I experienced pure ocd and harm ocd for around a month or less, and now I’m struggling with tocd. This theme has been going on for a little over a month now and it’s been getting worse. It started off as something I mostly ignored, but now I keep obsessing over my pronouns and whether I’m nonbinary, trans, etc. This really scares me bc I know a lot of people who have said that once you think about your sexuality you start thinking about your gender and it’s just so scary. Prior to this theme I have always felt comfortable in my skin as a woman who uses she/her pronouns but now I feel like I don’t even know myself. Something to consider is I’m going to college in 2 months and I’m 18 so I could be stressed about college and going through some sort of identity crisis, but I just feel like don’t know anything about my identity or who I am.

Transgender OCD

khm

Date posted: 3y

!!!!!!! I am going through the exact same thing!!!! I also have questioned my sexuality but came to the conclusion that I’m straight and was really comfortable with identifying as straight and felt like it was me and I was always comfortable identifying as a woman and felt like that was me as well and I never desired to be anything different and I always naturally gravitated towards heterosexual like books/movies. I’m struggling with tocd as well and I get anxious about the same things you said, I feel like I don’t know myself anymore and I stress all the time about my pronouns or how i appear to people it’s stressing me out so much and I fear that I look like a guy or I’m starting to see myself as a guy and it’s literally making me so sad because I was growing to love my appearance and was becoming really confident in my body and my facial features but now it feels like they’ve been completely demolished. I keep googling like stories and stuff and can find reassurance that I don’t relate to any of them but then I get so anxious and think like ok we’ll what if I’m a different case and then I get scared thinking like what if I’m the future after getting passed this theme that I will even try identify as something other than a woman. I’m trying 20 tomorrow and I don’t know if that’s what’s giving me an identity crisis as well, I also feel like my body is on a lockdown from feeling an kind of reactions when looking at the same gender or even the opposite gender because I’m scared it means that I like the same gender as me and that I’d prefer to be the opposite but I really don’t want to, I love being a girl and it’s made me really happy and proud but now I’m so confused and just sad because I can’t stop thinking about it, to make it worse I’m always seeing angel numbers in combination to my intrusive thoughts and it makes me want to throw up, I can’t eat or have no appetite sometimes and haven’t been able to enjoy things I used to like read or watch movies or even go to the gym( fear I’ll injure myself due to not eating) and I have like no energy I feel like I’m regressing, I’m like so overly aware of my body and I hate it cause I never was like that before and I just want to feel like myself again, I hope you’re able to feel better soon and I’m so sorry you’re going through this but it’s nice to know I’m not the only one

khm

Date posted: 3y

I’ve had friends tell me too that it’s ok to be attracted to women and knowing you don’t really see yourself getting with them or ending up with a woman which is kind of reassuring but I still obsess that I’m not straight or something especially since I can’t really seem to look at guys and feel attraction anymore or anything I just don’t want to feel sexual at all if that makes sense because it just feels like fuel to the fire and I’m afraid I’ll have thoughts that I’m having like gender envy or something but I’ve never seen myself genuinely wanting to be with a woman or ending up with one you know but my anxiety and ocd just seems to always find some form of doubt or something and it also sucks bc I live in the south (moved really didn’t grow up here) so I don’t come off as the typical southern straight girl so people are always assuming I’m gay or something or I’m always getting asked and usually it doesn’t bother me but with my current ocd theme it has been driving me into a spiral!!

f7nn

Date posted: 24w

My current predicament

Struggling with TOCD has probably been the hardest theme I’ve had to deal with so far For reference. I’m a gay male 20yr old Before this theme I was so open with my gender expression, love drag and used to do it for a time. A lot of my friends are trans women and my whole life is queer When this theme hit. It’s like I completely lost who I was. Questioning everything I enjoyed, not participating in anything because it triggered me so heavily. I went through a whole gender journey awhile back and the trans path never spoke to me when I looked into it. I love my physique and my face but now when I look into the mirror i feel like a shell of who I was. I can’t find any sort of pure enjoyment without the accompanying “what if” or “you’re this” intrusive thought I still enjoy how I look. I’ve not looked in the mirror and felt like anything is missing from me or needs to be taken away I just feel like a spectator in my life while this disease tells me I’m not who I know myself to be I affirm myself every day I know who I am and it may change in the future but that’s not important. It’s highly unlikely it will but it may! Giving into the uncertainty has been so hard but it’s worth it! My ocd has really picked up since getting into my first serious relationship I care about my boyfriend with my whole heart but over the course of our relationship my themes have included Health Relationship Irreality Harm I just want to be who I was again before this current theme it feels unbearable to live like this BUT! I’m seeking appropriate treatment and not giving into a majority of compulsions I just wanted to write this to see if anyone can relate and if they do. Know that you will overcome this! I know I will and you will too

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 23w

Doubts about self expression

This obsession is new, but feels so much more grounded and it’s so anxiety inducing. Since the ocd started I’ve lost my sense of self and confidence. I got soocd and it slowly turned into be doubting my identity on whether I want to identify or dress masculine or feminine. I don’t feel good in the clothes I would typically wear out before I’m constantly overanalyzing how I’m feeling , it makes me really anxious and like I’m preforming. So then I started doubting if I would rather dress masculine and it’s extremely anxiety inducing and idk if it’s the ocd now but it feels like that’s how I want to dress.. that’s not what I associated with at all before the ocd but now it feels like that’s what would make me feel fully confident and loose in the world, does anyone else experience this??

g_rangel

Date posted: 18w

spiraling again.

i had recently been triggered to have so-ocd. its been on my mind non-stop. (i am a heterosexual female) and my mind has been all over the place questioning if i have been in denial the entire time. ive always had people tell me they sort of got that vibe it it never really affected me until my own mother had her suspicions. so i would constantly get triggered un public around the same gender, while knowing my true sexuality. ive always been attracted to men but as of recently ive been having super bad anxiety to where i cannot eat or sleep and feel weak all the time. it was like that for a week or so. now im in the calm where i have been trying accept the uncertainty but it still isnt fair as im getting triggered. im a little worried because it feels like i have been lying to my parents the entire time although ive never had the desire to be with the same gender. and i keep getting intrusive thoguhts that make me feel anxious and uncomfortable. its all starting to affect my friendships as im constantly getting triggered with the intrusive thoguhts. i feel a little less anxious compared to how i was a couple days ago. im really scared on why im having these thoughts now when i have been having romantic feelings for a guy the past year or so. ive also been struggling with false attraction and loss attraction to men. it makes me feel uncertain of my life the entire time

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So confused and upset

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