I feel horrible

All I do is ruin everything. I’ve ruined friendships because of trust issues and anger. My family hates me because I ruin holidays and vacations (my mom has told me this many times so it’s true) and I wish I could just leave forever. I can’t do the alternative but I wish I could pack my car and just go away so no one would have to deal with me anymore. Ever since my mental health has gotten so much worse, I have no good days anymore. I get called horrible names and I get made out like I don’t matter so it must be true. I don’t. There’s nothing for me here anymore. I tried getting back into college and was so excited to finally make a change in my life and start fresh but that failed. I’m independent since I turned 18 so even though I live with my mom and grandma, I financially depend on myself. I don’t make much at all at my job and there’s no way I could afford living on my own although it’s a dream of mine to get to. I have two cats that I absolutely love and they are my entire world and I can’t leave them because they wouldn’t be taken care of. I take care of them everyday probably more than myself. I hate myself. I hate my life. Im not saying that my life is worse than others at all and I hope no one takes it that way. Im just so lost and upset. It seems like no matter what I do to try and fix things, it comes crashing down all over again and it’s always my fault. I don’t deserve happiness or love.

zzyyxx

Date posted: 3y

Hey, everybody deserve happiness and love. Please don't hate yourself. It doesn't matter what other people think of you. The important thing is that you value yourself and love yourself. You are important.

Magzzz

Date posted: 3y

Thank you 🙏🏻

zzyyxx

Date posted: 3y

@Just Breathe ❤️ To be honest, i don't think you have the problem here. Don't let your mother's hurtful words upset you. We cannot change people's thoughts and character even those closest to us. But no matter what, we determine our own value. And you are worthy. Your issues and fears are also important and you deserve mental and emotional support. And trust me things will get better just keep loving and believing in yourself no matter what.

Magzzz

Date posted: 3y

@zzyyxx I appreciate it. Thank you for understanding 🙂

sierragrace373

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

I’ve felt this way a lot recently. I’ve stretched my friendships almost to the breaking point bc my brain likes to make me doubt everything, so I totally get what you’re saying. There is a reason why you have these trust issues and anger, and although it may lead you to react differently than people would expect you to in certain situations, if you explain how you feel to your friends and why you are reacting the way you are, they should try to understand and be there for you. If they refuse to, then that is something they need to work on themselves. I am very sorry that your mom told you that, she should not tell you that your family hates you no matter what the reason or circumstance. I promise you that you matter. If no one else tells you today, you matter to me. I’m sorry you’re so lost, I’ve been there and it’s not fun. I promise you that it is not all your fault, and you do deserve happiness and love, and yeah life likes to beat you down over and over and over again, and it sucks. A lot. But you’ve been so strong going through all of this and it just proves how strong of a person you are and I hope you know that. I hope things get better for you:)

Magzzz

Date posted: 3y

Thank you. She didn’t say that they hate my but that’s definitely how I feel. She always makes really horrible comments and insults when she’s mad. But I feel like I deserve it sometimes. I don’t tell anyone in my own life about how she treats me but I feel like this is a safe place to vent and talk to people who may understand or can help. I appreciate it so much. Thank you for understanding and being so kind 🥺

Godsgood

Date posted: 3y

Despite what your mom said, your problems are important and sometimes people think that bc we aren’t acting the way they want, we are ruining things. Things get tough and it can cause us to respond the way we feel. You are meaningful and despite all the hard times u face, you and everyone else deserves to be here. You’re not a burden

Magzzz

Date posted: 3y

Thank you so much 🙂

J🧸

Date posted: 22w

Rant ( any words would be appreciated )

I genuinely feel like the worlds most horrible person deeply for my past actions in childhood and general mistakes I’ve made. I feel like I shouldn’t be here or there’s no hope for me despite doing right ( trying to do right ) I’ve wanted to open up to my mom about things from my past but when I was talking to her about a situation that happened just to share, she was like “Thank God you’ve never done anything like that” But really my past mistakes are worst. It’s like I feel like I should disappear. I don’t know how to deal with the guilt and I feel horrible. I’ve made good and bad decisions but despite this being a long time ago ( which doesn’t erase my stupid actions ) I still keep bringing back into the present and I’m filled with guilt I genuinely think it would be better if I wasn’t here. I wake up think about my past things and I’m filled with guilt and shame that maybe I am a bad person and voices don’t stop, they keep telling me a lot of things that I start to believe. It makes me upset that I did something like that in my past and I try to be understanding but I can imagine the reactions of people and being condemned so much. I literally do this to myself every single day and it’s exhausting I don’t know how you guys can treat me with so much compassion and understanding. It really doesn’t feel real or like I deserve it. Like even on nocd, it makes me feel worst because I come across comments that say “as long as it’s not —-“ or something and I compare it to my past and I feel like a horrible unacceptable person.

Real Events OCD

SugarCookiessᰔ

Date posted: 15w

To anyone who cares

I’m really depressed and lately life has been really really bad. Everyday, it’s like something horrible happens and my mind tries to make me forget it. My family life isn’t that great and everything is super tough for me. It’s like when I get better I go like a million steps back. I ended up doing something bad today:ended up becoming aggressive to myself and caused some ouchies) it hurt a lot and right now I’m really stressed and have been for a while. My mental well being has been extremely bad these days. I have obsessive compulsive disorder but for me it’s decently strong so it’s hard to contain, Complex-trauma, depression, and possibly ADHD. It’s an awful mix. My life is a living hell everyday. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep lying to myself to Myself that I’m getting better when in reality I’m in so much pain, it’s like I’m barely doing anything at all. Please, help, I’ve been acting not like myself. I want to live, even though it’s extremely difficult too and I rather much not be here, but people are counting on me and I don’t want to fail them. How can I convince myself to stay a little longer when I am fully burnt out from trying to get better? I’m in so much pain. I don’t know how to even deal with it. I’m so lost, I might lose it more, and I’m scared for myself. I feel like I don’t even deserve help. I’m so mentally unwell I can’t even think correctly. I hate everything and just want to sleep forever and ever. I’m so numb to it all. I don’t feel anything anymore.

stuckonathought

Date posted: 15w

I’m ruining my own life

I’ve been in a really difficult situation recently and this weekend I’ve been looking forward to for ages. I had a concert and then nights out planned with my cousins. But I’m a tad bit older than them and they’re a lot closer in ages, as are all their friends from uni, so I’m kinda just stuck here with nothing to do. They’re off flirting with people their age and dancing and I’m getting no attraction or even attention (not in an attention seeking kinda way just an I’m lonely kinda way). At the concert they left my 5 or 6 times to go to the toilet and get drinks, when I went to the toilet I went alone. I was left alone to the point people around started to notice and I had one guy say “left alone are you? You need to get better friends” I just feel very left out. I’m a lot older than them and I know I have to keep a mature head but I’ve already fallen into a pit of depression recently and very very low self esteem to the point I barely wanna go out in public, that I’m now sat here all anxious and in a really bad mood. I don’t even know exactly why or when it changed but last night I just snapped. My sister was off meeting new people, my cousin was dancing with creepy men, a guy I found attractive was more interested in my cousin, she started dancing all provocative on him and I was just kinda there. I then had people asking me if I was neurodivergent and bisexual which just sent my ocd spiralling and nobody quite understands how horrible it is to be in my head. There was this lovely guy saying how amazing stunning and beautiful I was but it kinda just made me go “you’re saying that because you feel bad for me, because you know they’re getting all the attention and I’m this ugly duff person on the side”, it’s insanely exhausting. I’m tired of it now. I don’t wanna be in a mood anymore but I can’t seem to shift it, I’m stuck

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