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Anonymous

Date posted: 6y

Anyone on here suffered from BPD? 5 years ago it started with an Anxiety attack. Then morphed into GAD then severe depression and now pure OCD... I currently suffer with intrusive thoughts on if I am a socio or psycho. Or maybe I have a personality disorder etc etc. In the last two days I have wasted so much time endlessly researching and taking tests on the internet. And I can never be satisfied with the answers. Help!!! Thoughts!!! I looked into the usual tests and here are my answers. I fear that my family, partner or friends abandon or betray me, even when no real threat exists. - my answer to this was Rarely I cannot stand being alone - my answer was sometimes. I get desperate and/or furious when my close ones leave me even for a short period of time. - my answer was rarely. My relationships with close ones are very emotional and troublesome. - my answer was I partly agree. In my relationship with close ones, at first I idealize them and later, when something goes wrong, I hate them. These extremes in my attitude to people interchange frequently. - my answer was rarely/sometimes I guess depending on the person? People find me too demanding in relationships. - my answer was sometimes. I've attempted to completely change the life I lead. - my answer was yes...it has been hard but yes, and ive failed alot, but keep trying. Zoloft, family support and OCD therapist only recently. I have doubts about who I am and what the meaning of my life is. - my answer was 100% yes I think I'm a bad evil person. - my answer was alot of the time yes. When I'm driving a car, I cannot resist the urge to speed up and enjoy reckless driving. - my answer was No. At times I resort to binge eating. - my answer was No. At times I spend money recklessly. - my answer was maybe??? Not lately....in the past for about 2yrs I had a gambling addiction. I can't control myself when I'm gambling. - lol for sure...thays why I don't gambke anymore. I engage in unsafe and inappropriate sexual contacts. - this one is tricky....i have in the past but not right now at all especially on the past 2yrs....im pretty much a virgin again. I was molested when I was younger like 7 and unfortunately coerced a friend of mine into a sexual act at the same age....trust me I have guilt and shame about this daily....it haunts me. I'm thinking of fantasizing about committing suicide. - I answered sometimes/rarely when I'm really low and panicky. When I have quarrels with my close ones I threat to kill myself. - I answered no. When I'm very upset or angry, I hurt myself to calm down. - I answered no. I have times when I feel very irritable for several hours - I answered sometimes especially certain people and when my intrusive thoughts are in full effect. I feel anxious for several hours. - my answer 100% yes. I seek out new activities or experiences to occupy myself because I get bored easily. - I said sometimes. I get desperate because I feel empty. - not sure aboit desperate, but I definitely feel like I don't know who I am....and that frightens me, especially with the OCD part, my mind fights morally with me all the time. I get angry easily. - internally I do, but not outwardly and only sometimes, its more or less irritable when I have an intrusive feeling or thought/urge. I feel that everyone and everything is against me. - I mean not really, more like I feel like a freak and people can easily read that from me, so I internalize it that I am broken and cant form real connections, and then I ruminate and go down a dark hole. But its more at me not them. I have the feeling that I'm not real. - hmmm well I defiantly feel DP/DR like I'm not 100% present in the moment, more like I'm focused so intently on my thoughts and rumination. Like am I listening to what they are saying, can they tell im not listening. Am I feeling true empathy for this person or am I faking it? Do I jave enough empathy etc etc etc Please help any thoughts will help!

MissLovely

Date posted: 6y

You need to forgive yourself for what happened when you were 7. You were only 7. No matter how responsible you feel you should have been at the time, all these memories are going to do is make yourself hate yourself even more! All of us here want you to be happy and healthy like everyone should be. Doesn't matter what you've done in the past, if you're trying for a better tomorrow, noone can fault you! The fact that you're worrying about not having enough empathy proves that you do have some! If you didn't have any you wouldn't be worried about who you are as a person! Sod if people think you're a freak etc, you look after you. Put yourself first because that's what everyone else mostly does, put themselves first! You need to do the same. That childhood friend of yours is probably putting themselves first. Well done for stopping gambling, give yourself some credit! You're trying your hardest. Stay strong xx

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