recovery motivation | my journey with compulsions!

i am sharing certain parts of my OCD journey to assure all of you out there who question whether recovery/progress is possible that it is! (i have put the words of affirmation that i used to combat but not argue with my OCD in bold!) i first experienced a compulsion when i was on holiday, there were lots of stones on the floor and i said to myself “if you step on all of these stones by the time you leave you are straight” then came in the anxiety and pressure to complete this task and it grew from there. things progressed from pure o to full on compulsions. i felt as though i needed to do this to prove to myself my sexuality when in reality i didn’t because i knew who i was and still am. this reached the point that i couldn’t not do compulsions when they popped into my head and this ties into my magical thinking subtype. i even set myself tasks to see whether i would do them to see if my stance on my thoughts was changing. 𝙄𝙏 𝙉𝙀𝙑𝙀𝙍 𝙃𝘼𝙎 𝘼𝙉𝘿 𝙉𝙀𝙑𝙀𝙍 𝙒𝙄𝙇𝙇 𝘽𝙀𝘾𝘼𝙐𝙎𝙀 𝙏𝙃𝙀𝙎𝙀 𝙏𝙃𝙊𝙐𝙂𝙃𝙏𝙎 𝘼𝙍𝙀 𝙉𝙊𝙏 𝙈𝙄𝙉𝙀 𝘼𝙉𝘿 𝙄 𝙎𝙃𝘼𝙇𝙇 𝙍𝙀𝙏𝙐𝙍𝙉 𝙏𝙃𝙀𝙈 𝙏𝙊 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙎𝙊𝙐𝙍𝘾𝙀 𝙄𝙉 𝙒𝙃𝙄𝘾𝙃 𝙏𝙃𝙀𝙔 𝘾𝘼𝙈𝙀 𝙁𝙍𝙊𝙈. however it got to the point where i was late for everything because of my routines and doing things until they felt “just right” and i knew that something had to give. i decided to wean myself off of my compulsions. at first i would postpone the time it took me to act on a compulsion. for example if i got the thought to “go and wash your hands again or …” i would not act upon in right away and let myself feel the anxiety and if it got too much only then i would do it. i then got sick of doing that and i just manage the anxiety instead, if any! this is where the acceptance of 𝙐𝙉𝘾𝙀𝙍𝙏𝘼𝙄𝙉𝙏𝙔 𝙄𝙎 𝘾𝙀𝙍𝙏𝘼𝙄𝙉𝙏𝙔 comes into play. by not acting upon the compulsion to gain certainty you are not giving OCD what it wants and rather putting that trust into yourself. this is ultimately going to lead you bettering your ability to not need to give into compulsions and give you a better chance at recovery. i have done it and you can to. i barely ever do compulsions anymore. i simply say “𝘼𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙊𝙉 𝙏𝙃𝙄𝙎 𝘾𝙊𝙈𝙋𝙐𝙇𝙎𝙄𝙊𝙉 𝙄𝙎 𝙉𝙊𝙏 𝙂𝙊𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙏𝙊 𝘾𝙃𝘼𝙉𝙂𝙀 𝙈𝙔 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝙇𝙄𝙏𝙔" and move on with my day. for instance, if you are in fact gay/straight, (which who cares if you are/are not) no amount of compulsions you do is going to change that! by this i mean that no matter what your subtype is, you are a good person and you are worthy. you do not have to do compulsions in order to prove this to yourself as they do not change any part of your reality. they just keep you in a state of rumination and fuel the power of your OCD. this combined with the ability to stop testing has been how i have combated severe OCD without any sort of professional help or a diagnosis but i will be getting a diagnosis in the near future. yesterday was probably the best day i have had since i began to struggle with this disorder. finally change your language, instead of saying “i hope i will be okay” say “𝙞 𝙆𝙉𝙊𝙒 𝙞 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙗𝙚 𝙤𝙠𝙖𝙮” as this enforces the confidence that your OCD doesn’t want you to have. you can do this! recovery is possible! you are loved! your thoughts do not define you! everything is going to be okay! if it makes you anxious, it’s because the things that OCD is attacking goes against your morals and values. it is not a part of you!