Let my family down again. Choice not to go on short trip due to my high anxiety of not sleeping away from home. I am crying and feeling ashamed. I really need a good therapist on here to help with sleep anxiety and other ocd thoughts that run through my head like a midnight freight train. 50 year old retired fire captain who is crying into a pillow not sure what to make of his brain anymore.
I can totally relate to this. Hope you can find a good therapist.
I really feel this. This has been the darkest month of my life. I've begged God for something to end my suffering. I have avoided all my family members because I don't want them to see me this way. I hope the work I'm putting in to resolve this disease will one day pay off.
@yup_its_ocd Keep going! I know the feeling. I am struggling this month too.
Hey pal, as a fellow retired first responder I know all to well about sleep anxiety. I could talk for days on this issue and how it started as well as what helped me get it under control. It is like a learned behavior, go to bed and try to sleep and you just wait on the anxiety to start.
@Rico1435 It all started around those late night calls back in the day. We didn’t have debrief counselors after coming back from a nasty car accident. You were expected to go back to bed and be ready for morning. I could remember worrying “what if I can’t go to sleep. How am I supposed to work with my crew the next day.” I would eventually fall off but it has followed me (afraid I won’t sleep) like a flying pice of Velcro all these years later,
There are several resources of therapist that are first responder friendly. I would be more than happy to assist if I new what part of the world you are in. I can provide some resource if you live in the US.
One resource you may want to check in addition to this app is “Phycology Today”. It has a search tool by zip code and specialty along with therapists bio’s. I know several that have had good luck with it. If your like me I was very hesitant to use any narcotic such as xanax but it made a huge difference. My suggestion is that you use a mental health practitioner to prescribe, they have a little more experience with those drugs. They can be used safely if we are diligent with our therapy and treatment path. Whatever your decision, I wish you the best.
Hey, are you on medication? It can really help when you're in a bad state.
Yes. Slowing going up on Zoloft.
I believe what happens is when we experience anxiety/panic attack for the first time, that place of occurrence becomes the trigger. If you had that first “attack” on a bridge you would start to avoid bridges and so on. The problem is that we can’t avoid sleep like a particular bridge or other trigger location. Also remember that for some of us, including me, as we prepare for sleep our mind has time to wonder. I by no means a professional however when it comes to sleep anxiety, I have been there and done that. I remember when the thought of going to bed sent be into a frenzy.
@Rico1435 Thanks Rico. Your right. That first night of not falling asleep way with high anxiety (which I did not know back in 1991) is almost a imprint I need to work with.
Hello wavebreaker, just checking to see how you are doing. I responded to one of your post as a fellow first responder a few months ago.
Someone reply ? I am absolutely shattered, my whole body aches, maybe I got an hour sleep if I was lucky, but don't remember sleeping at all. It's clear to me that I can not sleep round anyone's house but my own. I slept at a friend's because of my pocd because I'm so scared of my head. I told my cousin about my intrusive thoughts whilst a bit drunk last night by text, I said I had to stay at a friend's but I lied and changed my ocd into a different thing. Because it was clear to me that she wondered why I avoid my nephew. So I said I was worried I'd throw him out the window. Cause of course I couldn't say I'm worried everyone will think I'm a pedo cause I think I look shifty in the face around kids. And she said why are you worried about throwing him out the window he is just a little boy. Well of course that made me feel absolutely shit, and now I'm worried she'll tell everyone. I made it clear that I'd never act on the thoughts and she said oh I get it. But she might tell people in the family. And then everyone will think I'm horrible. Someone help. Also anyone know how I can make myself sleep when I get home when he has hopefully gone home? Also I feel so bad about not staying because he begged me to stay ?
Losing my faith in God has made this that much harder. I’m not talking about praying as a compulsion. But I used to have strong faith and that made any anxiety or issues I had that much easier because I could just give it to God. Lately I’ve had so many questions and am barely hanging on by a thread. I used to be a youth pastor and now I feel like there’s no hope. Then throw on my newly developed OCD now the problems are compounded and I just don’t even feel like getting out of bed anymore. I’m just so sad but have a wife and kid I need to be present for. I’ve never gone through anything like this in my life, why now when I’m needed most by my family?
Friday I had a panic attack after a really stressful event and was unable to sleep. I got maybe 2 hours, if that. Saturday I had another stressful day and was unable to sleep. I was anxious about it all day long and then night came. Didn’t touch my phone. Ate something. Took a warm shower. Did sleep meditations. Nothing worked. Maybe slept four hours. Here is night 3. I traveled all day long with my family to a condo we are staying at for thanksgiving. So that’s 3 days of stressful things so far. I didn’t look at my phone for two hours tonight when we arrived to prepare for bed. I was beginning to feel exhausted. I even have an exhaustion headache. I tried reading for a wind down before bed. Went to bed at 10. It’s now 11:42 and I’ve tossed and turned. I’m crying in frustration. Ocd is telling me I’m never going to sleep again. I don’t know what to do. I’m away from my therapist. I’m away from my doctor. I’m going to try otc sleep aides tomorrow. I’m supposed to work from home tomorrow. And I can’t even fall asleep. It’s like I forgot how to do it in just 72 hours. I’m so frustrated and tired and anxious. Sleep is super important to me bc it helps keep ocd and ptsd in check. I don’t know what else to do and I’m supposed to be with family for a week. I’m 8 hours away from my home :(
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond
