My depression has gotten a lot worse. I told my partner everything. (He is leaving for a few days) I told him I am unhappy and how even if he is gone I am still gonna be bothered by my family. I told him I never am relaxed mentally and how even if I am physically relaxed I am mentally not. I can’t stop thinking, I can’t deal with anyones stress. I told him I thought about leaving for a couple of days but I can’t leave him here with my family since he would have to hear kids scream and people yelling. Also bc we have cats.. so I can’t honestly just leave and be alone for a few days. I remember the roommates we had before left me alone when my partner would go leave to hang out with his friends for a couple of days and I was able to relax. I just wanna drink or need something to cope to help me relax… I can’t stand it! I am convinced I am never gonna be able to enjoys life at all and live freely like I want. I am always doing things for other people and I never feel like I am appreciated at all for things I do for them. I just honestly wanna just drink until I pass out… I am that unhappy with everything in my life…

I don’t know what I can do. I guess this is more of a depression thing than OCD but who knows. I have been battling this ongoing war within myself for years now and it’s been affecting my academic performance. situation of mine right now: I haven’t done a lot of work for my classes this month and I feel like I’m going to fail the semester again. I don’t know what it is but I can never seem to begin any work. I know I am capable but why can’t I get myself to start? why has this been going on for so long? I don’t understand. I have a history of good grades back in high school before I turned 17. I don’t even know how to describe it. it’s like I’ve been paralyzed and cannot do any work. but I can somehow do offside tasks like pinterest boards or random youtube videos. if I get rid of those, what do I do? I end up sleeping. because I’m tired. I have a low vitamin D deficiency & have been trying to get energy. I’m at a loss. I also bought unnecessary stuff on sunday when I went out with my family. I bought some things for the kids and I ended up buying myself a dress and a few accessories. now I have to work extra to gain that money back doing uber eats because I need it asap. it’s like I don’t want to work, for now. my coworkers who are around my age don’t work as much & I think to myself, “wow, they must be getting in the work done” meanwhile I’m working 3 days a week (which isn’t much) and attending school. I feel like if I change my schedule again, I’ll ruin it for the rest of my driver coworkers. I’m in a lead position at work so having to put on a mask is quite tiring. there’s so much I want to say that I don’t think it will fit in this post. I have booked a mental health session with a school counselor. all I want at the moment is to have my own place and be in a better mental state to take care of my cats. they mean a lot to me but this stupid ass undiagnosed mental issue is getting in the way. sorry for the long rant. I am tired.

TW// self ha rm this is a lot so sorry in advance have been very depressed recently, OCD is kicking my a**. I have been thinking negatively and about not being here in this world pretty intensely. I’ve also just been crying and sometimes hurting myself in a fit of rage. i have been very aggressive to the people i care about, family like mom and grandma or my pets (not being gentle when picking up or holding and or yelling/screaming(this only happened yesterday)… i have felt really bad about this as this is not okay and unfair to the people around me especially my cats because they don’t understand and I wouldn’t want someone being rough with me and or yelling/screaming for not a reasonable reason. my cats are fine and they want to be around me but i still feel so bad. I cried and hugged them and apologized . But i feel it is not enough . also i just feel upset at everyone around me who has failed me but i have become so mean and nasty i just hate this. i cry for so long i dont want to be like this im just so stressed and upset but i have been trying to calm down and if I feel like an outburst is coming i try to direct it somewhere healthier as of rn. im just sad and also i have to go on a trip soon i planned it for myself but i dont wanna cancel i just feel like i ruin everything. ive been diagnosed with so much like borderline, major depression, adhd, histrionic disorder like wtf i feel so not normal and I’m just upset.

I just feel like therapy isn’t working… like I get to talk about myself and understand myself… but I’m already incredibly self aware. My therapist thought I was like 5 years older than I am… and she gives me such basic strategies that do absolutely nothing for me. And a psychiatrist prescribed me with Zoloft… but I don’t know if T want to take medication. I’m scared of side effects… and I’m scared of getting better… I’m scared of letting my guard down. I know it will make me less cautious which makes me less likely to push myself to perfection like I currently do, which I can’t have happen. Every time I talk to my mom about it, she’s always like “Let’s talk about this some other time, I’m busy with other things”, and then never remembers. But in the rare moments we do talk about it, she treats it like I’m signing up to be a drug addict. I also feel very guilty for spending so much of my parents’ money- therapy… medication… etc… and also the idea of my being unlovable is so deeply engraved in my brain… I genuinely, truly believe it. No therapy or medication can fix it. I can’t change my mind. My therapist tells me my misophonia is not a “deal-breaker” and that someone would be lucky to have me as a partner… but then why hasn’t anyone ever liked me? My own FAMILY can’t stand me. How do I believe something I know isn’t true? That’s even harder to accept than me being unlovable. I can’t see someone loving me. And it is so incredibly exhausting to seek love,e I know I cannot have. My sister says, “It will get better with age…” It has only ever gotten worse. To the point I don’t want to get better. It has reached the severity where I feel more safe and successful with anxiety. My past 3 birthdays have been me wishing for therapy. And now I have therpay- and medication, the potential key… and I refuse? Am I too deep in? I cant get out, it’s too late. How did absolutely no one notice how much I had and have been hurting? Why did no one listen to my cries or worries? I feel really depressed and hopeless right now. It takes so much effort to get up every day… I’m so tired.