Ive been really struggling with this real event i had and im really scared that im a horrible person because of it, it was something i did when i was like 13-14 and it was bad i wont deny it and i regret it more than anything in the world but im scared that i am a bad person with bad intentions because of it and i actually feel like i am and its so hard to get over, its on my mind 24/7
Don't worry I'm in the same boat. I honestly don't even know the age I did it at :( But what really helped me was therapy and understanding how and why these things played out. I also had a support system that also understood how I grew up and how it could have led to that. It sucks that these things happened and I wish I wasn't freaking stupid and knew what I was doing, but we are also young even at that point. You are still literally a child there. Why should things we've done in the past determine how we are now and later as we grow up. I kind of had bad intentions with mine, but again I just wasn't really grown. You are not a horrible person. We make mistakes and doing mistakes as we are younger is something that has to happen to learn and grow from it. We literally also don't stop growing until we are 25 lmao so if someone immediately says your an adult at 18 uhhh they are wrong, you are still young. Just by law you are an adult but just turnjng 18 does not mean you are instantly mature in a snap. We are still growing. I hope you are able to forgive yourself and yourself younger. I'm glad you can look back and know what had happened will not happen again and thats growth already ! Many do not do that :) I can tell you I did not realize mine was bad for years until recently and I think thats the same for you, so we believe all those years between the event and us now, we are a horrible person. Our mindsets were disgusting, we regret literally EVERYTHING between that period and for me I do. I was a very jealous, self centered, attention seeking person. But again I don't fault myself. I see my environment and I put the pieces together. It sucks. It really sucks but I definetely do not want to be that person again. I now have jealous intrusive thoughts which sucks lmao but they are intrusive now, its not me :) Again I hope you are able to not feel the shame over something from the past and you are able to move on. Head up high ! š«š
@InkJoy123 Thank you sooo much for taking the time to type all this, its really nice to know that im not the only one in this situation, even tho its a really horrible situation to be in. Iāve been trying to avoid compulsions like rumination but its so sneaky and sometimes i dont even realise im doing it. Thanks againš
i know exactly how you feel. offer yourself some self compassion - the fact that you recognize that it is something wrong shows your growth as a person. try not to do compulsions that give the event significance or disprove or prove that youāre a good person. weāre all human at the end of the day. you deserve good things
We all fuck up sometime, some of us are just better at realizing it probably doesn't matter.
17f I have a lot of events, but my main and my worst one which is absolutely fucking diabolical was done when I was 14 and repeated when I was 16. Everytime I post something about real event ocd here people are like you are probably didn't do anything that bad, and when they hear what I did they are like yeah that's bad. Someone even asked me if I'm autistic cause "it's crazy how you didn't realize that the thing ypu were doing was wrong at this age." And I kinda agree, like it's fucked up It's just that my event is bad. Doesn't mean I don't have real event ocd. You can have a reocd over the event that was bad, it doesn't mean the event wasn't that bad or you don't have recod. It's just people always expect it to be something innocent and it's not Even a healthy person would feel guilty over it, it's just that I had ocd my whole life and it's making the guilt absolutely destructive, like to the point when I sometimes have a hard time breathing when I think about it, I lost more than a year of life to it, almost checked myself out couple of times if I wasn't so scared of pain/failure, the event haunts me in my dreams, it's in my head 24/7 and I will never able to forgive myself. That ocd. But the event itself was bad. So maybe i deserve it.
tw: slightly nsfw I don't mean something like "I made a sexual joke and a child was nearby " or "I was 19 and thought a 17 y.o. was attractive" Like something actually bad not the "I'm freaking over this because I have OCD" type of situation, but more like "I did something horrible and I happen to have OCD which makes it even worse" type of situation I did some really fucked up sexual stuff at 14-16 and they haunt me.
What if you did something so extremely awful and truly horrible as a child but you didnāt know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and v0mit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 14... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at allā¦ I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i donāt ever want to ever be a rapist at allā¦ I was 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 23... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...Ā I didnāt realize how horrible the real events actually wereā¦ I was 14 at the timeā¦ now Iām 23ā¦ my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real eventsā¦ while my mom reassures me all the time that itās all over, that itās not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that Iām not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someoneās similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they neededĀ to turn themselves inā¦ I donāt ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or formā¦ i didnāt know how horrible the real events were when I was 14ā¦ I really didnātā¦ and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kidsā¦ I was 14 and didnāt realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever againā¦ I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real eventā¦ I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the futureā¦ I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 14ā¦.. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kidsā¦Ā I was 14 and didnāt realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever againā¦ I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real eventā¦ And itās comparing me to actual Pās and chomoās who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think Iām a P and a Chomo because of itā¦ I donāt ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any wayā¦Ā ššš I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14 because someone told me what these real events were before... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... im so so scared... these real events were so extremely horrible and awful and worse than people realize... i g4g and v0mit and lie awake at night even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and scared and anxious... I also did something at the age of 13 that was horrible... they asked me if i did it or not, but me being 13 and not knowing what i did was wrong and horrible, i denied it because i was scared... ive lived in guilt for so long... i dont love myself... and I genuinely cant stomach the idea that im still here... I feel so guilty and horrible...
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