PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Im really in a dark place, I just got my second DUI for alcohol and my mom died in July unexpectedly. I've suffered with HOCD for 7 years now and im losing the will to live. I've almost lost everything. I could possibly go to jail too. I don't think my life is worth living anymore and it would be better if I were just dead. I went to my lawyer today and he wants 7500$ to take my case yet i have no money. I'd love to just talk to anyone, I feel very alone

I really need help. This isn’t ocd related but I don’t know what to do and I have no one to go to. I think my mom is verbally abusive and I don’t know if I’m overthinking because I’m told all the time I overthink things but I can’t calm down. My mom has treated me horrible my whole life she doesn’t pay attention when I tell her things I’m excited about, she dismisses my feelings or when I’m upset and makes me feel like I’m a problem or that I don’t matter and that her problems are always worse than mine. She has threatened to hit me many times throughout my life but never has except for once when I was little I had a horrible headache and was crying from the pain in my room and we had company and she came in and hit me and told me to shut up that I’m worrying the company. She’s called me so many horrible names and just did today. We were playing cards and listening to music with my grandma and when I made a music suggestion she had a strong opinion about a singer that she has also listened to and when I got irritated about it she stopped playing and said I was a “little bitc*” said “another holiday ruined” and made a comment about my friends at work and that I treat them some way is why I lost them or whatever and she’s always called me much worse. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared and I want to escape so badly but I can’t I have no where to go. I’m 23 and live with my mom and grandma. I can’t afford to move out and if I did I would have to live in my car. I’m so scared and upset. I hate myself. I wish I could just give up and I’m scared if I do that than it’s going to get much worse for me but at this point I don’t care. I have no one who loves me or cares about me and I definitely don’t have my mom because if it were any one else she would be so kind to them and treat them so nice if they were going through a hard time because I’ve heard her do that for many people but in real life when no one is listening and I tell her what is going on and why I’m upset she yells and screams at me saying I’m a ungrateful bitc* and that there’s nothing I could possibly be stressed about and many other things. I can’t do this anymore. I wish I could be free

I’m going to be really vulnerable and some of this is embarrassing but I need to talk to somebody. My mom is a narcissist…I was kicked out of the house yesterday for simply responding to something she said, she took it the wrong way and now I’m living with my sister. My father also told my mom he wants a divorce (after the argument) he has left and for the first time we are all separated we always bicker and argue but it’s just us 3, we are all we got. I’m scared and all I want is love…a major part of my ocd is scheduling, timing, planning, lists and saying things just right. I had my week planned out, tomorrow I was supposed to go and spend the money I got for my bday and get my birthday present which was going to adopt a new cat…now I don’t get to. I had my week planned perfectly and now it’s ruined and I keep having panic attacks over it. I also have Asperger’s and I’m scared of the change. My mom told me I could come back tonight and now she changed her mind and said she doesn’t want me back…I made her something for Mother’s Day which I was really proud of and took me almost 3 hours to make. She told me last night she hated it for the soul reason that I made it. Please somebody help me not feel scared for the change. I’m also having panic attacks becuase I wasn’t able to say goodnight the way I like to say it last night and so now that was ruined to (my Asperger’s and OCD combined like me to say things just right every night or my head tells me everything is ruined)