So one of my bestfriends is probably the most inconsistent friend I’ve ever had. She never reaches out to me. She rarely picks up when I call and I call frequently, if we hangout, it’s because I made the plans. But I will see her posting constantly on social media with her other friends. I never said anything. I’ve lived in my studio for a year now and she’s come by once just to see it. She lives a few blocks away from me. She works til 3, and before this she was jobless for a year. I work every day til 5:30 & I still would call her to just come hangout and watch a movie or get food whatever. I tried soooo hard. I cried to her about it 2 months ago cuz I just got dumped 3 months ago and told her how much I needed my friends now just to hangout not even to vent and she said she’d try. She didn’t. Her bday is in a couple days & she had 2 events. One last night bonfire and then another one in a week but I’m going to a concert that day. Our friend group planned a dinner 2 weeks from now that works with all our schedule so we can still celebrate her. I figured ok I wanna do that cuz the bonfire thing doesn’t sound like I’d enjoy myself cuz I’m horrible with the cold but tbh I see now I could’ve toughed it out. I planned to go out w/ friends and without a thought because well we are going to dinner soon. I been hurting and sad and needed a night out. Her bonfire was her family and co workers and I just wanted to go out w/ some other ppl to maybe feel better bout my ex. she HATED when I would speak about it. Anyway, she got mad, cussed me out, cut me out (we been friends since middle school) brought up now for years I flake on her birthdays (she tended to do big events that I just didn’t have the mental capacity to attend or they weren’t my thing or cost money I didn’t have). For the other months of the year I’m there constantly calling texting doing everything to see her and she doesn’t even bat an eye and posts on ig and I’m left on read for days. She told me that she stopped showing up for me because all I do is make excuses and make everything about me. Which is so hurtful cuz my ex JUST told me that & my ocd is spiking again because I’m feeling so horrible even tho she also won’t see where she’s wrong. And I took accountability and I didn’t even get the chance to make it up to go to the dinner that I still committed to? I just feel awful & I sent a text explaining myself and now thinking I made it about me and I’m making excuses. We are close I love her but she’s just very inconsiderate about what I been going through as well, I am not in a good place & I am sorry there is apart of me that doesn’t necessarily click with the people she’s with but I still try to come around? Idk I just feel like I’m such a bad friend

Basically, My best friends both remained close with my ex. Someone who completely broke me when we broke up. My friends know that. They remained friends with him, pretty close too. It’s always bothered me, even 3 years down the line because it’s something I would NEVER do to them. Ever. My best friend cancelled some plans we had, which was very unlike her. I asked why, she said she’s going on a walk with a friend. I was like fun! What friend? And she didn’t want to say, from that, I knew it was my ex. She then confirmed it to be my ex. It was clear I was annoyed. I’d had a shit day and that topped it off. She then cancelled the plan with him. I felt awful. I said no, just because I’m annoyed please don’t cancel. I said I’m not mad at you, I’m disappointed about the situation and the way things are. She was very understanding and said that she does not blame me for feeling upset about it. I asked her to please not cancel the plans because of me. She said she wanted to move it to another date anyways. Am I a bad friend for feeling annoyed/uncomfortable at the fact both of my best friends are close friends with my ex? It’s been 3 years and it still makes me SO uncomfortable.

I very much believe I have an anxious attachment style and it’s very closely linked with my BPD and OCD. In the past year, I became very close with an old friend. It was great. She’s a very reassuring person, she understands how im a very anxious individual, especially when it comes to someone being annoyed with me. I’ve never had a best friend before, and at last I thought this is it! We contacted everyday, all day. Saw eachother every week (despite living in different cities) it was amazing. I was genuinely happy. These past 4 month have been earth shattering for me- my grandma passed away in my arms, 2 days after my dad got diagnosed with cancer, a month later his body was rejecting treatment, a month after that my grandfather passed away in my arms. Safe to say, a lot has happened. My friend was there the entire time… until She started a new relationship about a month ago. It’s new, it’s exciting. She’s infatuated with him. I told her how happy I am for her. She deserves a good guy. Since then, I’ll maybe receive one or two messages a day (if I’m lucky). They don’t seem like her usual messages. I brought it up that like- hey I’m really happy for you. I haven’t heard much from you are you ok. She validated my feelings and said she’ll try and be better. However it continued to happen, in times that I felt I really needed her (crying about the recent events of my life). Again, I gently brought up the issue again. Where she said again, she’ll try and do better. This has continued to happen, if not worsen. I constantly bounced back and forth from being irritated/disheartened to feeling like ‘what if it’s me? What if I’m the reason she’s not answering? She’s leaving me’ I met up with her for the first time in months a little while back and she seemed her usual self, so this is where I realised, it’s hurting me much more than it’s affecting her. Is there any way that I can healthily soothe myself, I don’t want it to be in a form of anger (which I am finding it to be recently). I’d like to be able to not constantly worry why she’s not responding. I have enough on my plate.

It’s a silly thing and that’s why I can’t talk about it with her directly but… Basically one of my best friends has brought me into a group of 4 people (me, her, and two other friends - one of which is a childhood friend of mine and the other a mutual that I have more so a distant friendship or acquaintance through the both of them). Now I was actually introduced to my best friend by this childhood friend in the group, but I am always the odd one out, not even a third wheel but a fourth wheel and they’re this dynamic trio. I’m kind of just there by association, but it feels as if I am of lesser value or just nice to have when I’m “useful”. They’re always together, perhaps because they’re closer both physically and emotionally, living closer to each other, having more compatible schedules, and just being well better friends. I feel excluded. Today she was talking about going out to breakfast and going bowling with them. Two activities the two friends I’m closer to in the group of 4 know I would’ve very much enjoyed and wanted to come along to. But no invite, they have group chats without me and even the chats I’m in, it’s like talking to a wall - more like I’m the fly on the wall just in the middle of them talking amongst themselves. I know they don’t mean to do it, they don’t think anything of it, they don’t know that I feel excluded or feel any of this type of way to begin with. And I’ll never confront her or the rest of them because I don’t want to create trouble and make it about me - they’re just enjoying themselves. Is it bad that I feel mad? That I’m upset and hurt by it? It’s like irrational anger but I just feel like… I don’t actually matter. She has her actual friends and I’m just here to play therapist when she needs some extra emotional support. And I hate that I feel this way because I’ve never thought like this before. I’m mad at myself for being upset and I can’t just tell her because it makes no sense, she doesn’t know and she did nothing wrong, I’m just overreacting.