Just needed to rant a bit :( I’m at my worse with ocd . Over 4 weeks ago (month) I had a really bad ocd spike while I was watching something that triggered it . That was last time I recall feeling genuinely ok aside all ocd struggle. Ever since then, it hasn’t been quite the same . I began to have bad anxiety the following days as I steered to ruminate a lot . But then it got little better although I still wasn’t fully intact wit myself /ocd was just lingering and left me feel differnt as if my entire self wasn’t present . I have been feeling vulnerable . As days went on I tried not thinking much of it and I began feeling better in terms with anxiety but yet I still could not feel the way I was before . I remained calm and patient ,...but, along way more triggers came that made it difficult to dismiss due to fact of how bad I was already feeling it put me at more risk . I feel like I’m losing every aspect of me :( I miss myself so much . Something about this episode just feels different . I’m currently in a very unstable situation ...with not being able to drive /having car it can make things difficult around here - not to mention I stress over fact I don’t have orivelage to drive as my siblings do . I’m stuck at the same shitty job . I put college on hold for sake of my mental health due to how bad ocd consumes me . I’m trying to prioriZe mental health in hopes of starting ERP. However , at the moment NOCD does not take my insurance so I keep waiting :( I’m so flustered with every obstacle I run into and unsolved problems I have goin on at once . It’s so hard to balance . Ocd is making me feel things I don’t wanna feel but it all goes back to that day I spiraled into this loopy episode . It’s been almost a month . I know it wouldn’t make much sense to wanna go back 😤😩🥺😖but I want to . I’m also not in very good terms with my mom rn . There’s not much I can do. All I do is work and come back home to a quiet room with the tv on till I fall asleep and it’s repeat , I’m falling apart and I’m deeply saddened 🥺I’m so lonely . I want my self back 😩

I had to cancel my therapy because it was no longer available with my insurance. And I just kind of feel hopeless with OCD. Even when I was doing therapy, I think my OCD started getting too complicated for my therapist and she didn’t even know what to do. My fears are so complex it’s crazy. So my big fear is my OCD being bad and being super depressed again like I was a few months ago in high school. I attended a public highschool for a semester and started the worst flare up I’ve ever had. I was harshly bullied for no reason whatsoever, and not accepted by anyone. I am an athletic kid who usually keeps to himself so I didn’t understand why people targeted me, especially when I wanted nothing to do with them. From August to now ( March) I CANNOT grasp hold of my OCD. I am very hard on myself about it. Going into dangers anytime I see one so I can expose myself. But constantly obsessing about if I’m doing enough for my OCD. And comparing myself to how I use to be, before the flare ups. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep I’m obsessing about my OCD and if it’s bad and comparing. Another HUGE fear of mine is being treated differently because I have OCD. So being bullied for so long I always assumed it was because I was shy and didn’t want to stand up for myself - due to my OCD- so I blamed myself for everything that continued to happen, . from people bullying me in the past . The people at that highschool were downright crazy. Even the teachers and coaches had major issues and I’m so glad to be out of there, but I still obsess the same everyday and hold so much resentment for that school and when I try to let it go, I just feel more passive pain and obsess even more about it weather my ocd is okay or not. I feel mentally sick. Please someone give me some advice for my fears, because I feel like I’m doing everything in my power to expose myself to everything but nothings working.

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…