Just needed to rant a bit :( I’m at my worse with ocd . Over 4 weeks ago (month) I had a really bad ocd spike while I was watching something that triggered it . That was last time I recall feeling genuinely ok aside all ocd struggle. Ever since then, it hasn’t been quite the same . I began to have bad anxiety the following days as I steered to ruminate a lot . But then it got little better although I still wasn’t fully intact wit myself /ocd was just lingering and left me feel differnt as if my entire self wasn’t present . I have been feeling vulnerable . As days went on I tried not thinking much of it and I began feeling better in terms with anxiety but yet I still could not feel the way I was before . I remained calm and patient ,...but, along way more triggers came that made it difficult to dismiss due to fact of how bad I was already feeling it put me at more risk . I feel like I’m losing every aspect of me :( I miss myself so much . Something about this episode just feels different . I’m currently in a very unstable situation ...with not being able to drive /having car it can make things difficult around here - not to mention I stress over fact I don’t have orivelage to drive as my siblings do . I’m stuck at the same shitty job . I put college on hold for sake of my mental health due to how bad ocd consumes me . I’m trying to prioriZe mental health in hopes of starting ERP. However , at the moment NOCD does not take my insurance so I keep waiting :( I’m so flustered with every obstacle I run into and unsolved problems I have goin on at once . It’s so hard to balance . Ocd is making me feel things I don’t wanna feel but it all goes back to that day I spiraled into this loopy episode . It’s been almost a month . I know it wouldn’t make much sense to wanna go back 😤😩🥺😖but I want to . I’m also not in very good terms with my mom rn . There’s not much I can do. All I do is work and come back home to a quiet room with the tv on till I fall asleep and it’s repeat , I’m falling apart and I’m deeply saddened 🥺I’m so lonely . I want my self back 😩

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

I'm currently at one of the lowest points with my OCD despite me working so hard on it and everything that I know it stems from because a lot of my OCD comes from trauma from sexual abuse as a kid and as I got older and a lot of other stuff which is also why I have Complex PTSD. I was doing so well, I started medication, and I was in this dual housing program for treatment and everything was going okay. That was until I ended up getting SA’D by a man there and none of the staff cared or did anything despite me doing everything possible and gathering all of this evidence and all the people there either didn't care or bullied me relentlessly as they laughed with my abuser. It was so painful and I felt so alone. I think what triggered my spiral was that it was very similar to the reactions of my past assaults and thus my OCD came spiralling alongside my C-PTSD symptoms and I feel like it is worse then before. I left that place but its still absolutely terrible and I feel so hopeless and hurt. Not only did this man hurt me like I have been in the past he brought back the very thing that caused me so many years of suffering. It makes me sick. I don't want to think these thoughts or feel these horrible urges and sensations. I feel so disgusting and broken.

OCD can be so isolating. I’m in a health anxiety spiral and struggling at work. I feel like I am failing everywhere and feeling very alone. My support system is tired of hearing about my fears, health wise and work wise. I find myself crying a lot. I don’t particularly enjoy doing anything anymore. I feel like I just can’t get comfortable in my skin or my head sometimes. I’m not sure how to else to describe it. Like nothing soothes me or makes it better. Even sleep is bad dreams and waking up anxious all night. I’ve always felt different from everyone else but when I’m on meds I can fake it better and I feel more connected. I want to go back on SSRI’s but I’ve been dealing with health issues and the meds exacerbate them so am delaying for the time being