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scorpio mcd

Date posted: 6y

i want to tell my story so if you don’t want a long one i understand, i just want people to hear me and give me an honest opinion. so when i was young i would lie all the time, try to always be close to my manipulative mom, became very manipulative myself, and would do weird stuff. weird stuff being look at roadkill, do weird stuff with my dolls/figures, and watch murder crime shows my therapist says this is all normal for a kid and i don’t do it anymore. when i got older (13) bad stuff happened. i found out my mom was an alcoholic when she beat my ex stepdad and my older brother. my older brother left and lived with my grandparents to start a new life. when he was gone, she would drink and traumatize us. she beat my brother in february 2018 and that’s when it all started. i dropped out of school for a semester with my little brother and because i was home all day, i watched criminal minds and tv nonstop and would daydream about having a boyfriend and stuff like that. i would daydream about being in love for HOURS in my bed. then in april 2018, ocd started. i obsessed over being a sociopath then pedophile and formed compulsions all summer. then we decided to move. i still had INTENSE ocd but i didn’t know it was ocd just thought it was intrusive thoughts. we moved and my mom still drank and hurt us emotionally and my stepdad physically and emotionally. when she would do this we’d call our grandparents screaming for them to come help us. they would and we’d spend time with them. school started and it still happened. ocd would change themes from sociopath to pedo for months on end and i formed compulsions that i couldn’t stop. i started having therapy during the fall and i was in an extremely low place. i turned 14 on october 28 2018. we moved again to a new house. i still had EXTREME ocd with nonstop compulsions. my mom still drank on occasion. around christmas time my mom freaked out and drank and i had to go with my grandparents. i had a false memory that i molested my cousin that made me try to kill myself. that was the lowest i’ve ever been. i went back with my mom after a bit. my grandparents tried to make me go to their house on christmas eve and i had a panic attack because i knew my cousin would be there. i cried all day on christmas. when i finally went to my grandparents i decided to let them get me a religious counselor since i hadn’t seen my therapist in months. she didn’t say anything about science or the disorder ocd. only jesus and god and that they were punishing me and to trust them. i told my grandma about my intrusive thought and obsessively prayed for the truth and nothing but they truth. i couldn’t sleep or eat and i cried all day. i wanted to kill my self. i saw my regular therapist and she assured me it wasn’t real and i believe that now. then a couple weeks passed and my mom got arrested twice in 10 days for being drunk and beating my little brother and stepdad. (my mom claimed that my stepdad would rape her). i finally am living full time with my grandparents but we’re still in court at the moment. my ocd started letting go (YAY) after a few weeks but now it’s back. i don’t have many compulsions just thoughts and responses in my body which makes me think it’s not ocd and that i am a pedophile. my older brother went to go live with my mom after she used men for a house and such. he’s now sleeping in a chair and air mattress and is being mean. i have no interest in anything, i never feel happiness or joy. i do think i’ve changed positively with ocd in some aspects, i don’t lie pretty much ever and i’m less of an attention whore like i’ve always been. but now i have terrible thoughts that my brain tells me i like and aren’t afraid of and i can’t relate to anyone with ocd anymore. i really do hope you read this and if there’s anything i need to add i will. please read my story, thank you.

Anonymous

Date posted: 6y

Jeez sorry for what youve been through and are still going through. Mental illness can be so much without a supportive family structure. Anyway this idea you have going around that you are just having thoughts and no more compulsions and are worried then that you are bad or whatever is actually just another kind if compulsion. It sounds like compulsive rumination. For me when I first treated ocd as teenager I largely overcame outward physical compulsions. I didnt realize for years and years I was developing mental rituals. I didnt think it was ocd I thought I was just mental in some way and would always be that way. Luckily I found good therapist who identified problem as ocd so now I can work in that in much the same was as physical compulsions. Maybe it would be helpful for you to read up on whats called "pure ocd". There are some good books and youtube videos on the topic these days.

scorpio mcd

Date posted: 6y

obsessions (some are past ones some are present obsessions): being a sociopath, murderer, bad person, pedophile, not caring if i’m bad, false memory of molesting my cousin, the numbers 3,4, and 5, and others. Compulsions (basically all past i don’t really have any more which makes me worry it’s not ocd and that i’m not worried about it): counting, reading, “checking” groinal responses and body twitches or movements, walking a certain direction, checking rooms to make sure no kids are there before i change or go to the bathroom, squeezing my fingers, and SO MANY others. i don’t really have any more compulsions just thoughts/obsessions that i’m a pedophile including groinal responses or bodily reactions.

scorpio mcd

Date posted: 6y

thank you so much!!

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