confused on recovery? is this part of it? pls help

PLS READ IM SO SAD AND SCARED AND I NEED HELP. about a month ago i began to overcome my really serious harm ocd. i’ve been doing really good for the past couple weeks, with very few intrusive thoughts. but yesterday, i was fighting w my sister, and thought abt how thinking a harm ocd thought now would be horrible bc it would be rooted in anger and therefore mean i’m a horrible person. and ofc i had the harm thought, because how can i avoid it if i’m thinking about it? but to be honest i can’t completely remember if the analysis about having the thought came before or after the actual thought and so that’s distressing me too. it was so random, as i said, i’ve been mostly free of these thoughts for a couple weeks. i feel so sad and guilty bc i know i didn’t mean the thought but i feel like i brought it on. and maybe i did? can we bring on thoughts we don’t mean? is feeling a sort of responsibility for “bringing back” ocd thoughts and them coming in situations that make them feel more real a part of recovery? if so, does anyone have advice?

Dara.G

Date posted: 3y

I HIGHLY recommend the book “Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts” by Sally M. Winston, because it explains intrusive thoughts and how to deal with them. Our thoughts don’t ever really go away. What changes is how we deal with them/perceive them. Sometimes we can deal with them really well, and other times it’s much harder. No matter what, your intrusive thoughts don’t define you as a person🧡

iamworthy

Date posted: 3y

@Dara.G my next thought becomes “what if my thoughts aren’t intrusive?”

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 3y

@iamworthy - But what if they are intrusive? Either way, thoughts are thoughts. They do not define us.

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 3y

Thanks for sharing that sounds upsetting! I hear you saying you are feeling confused and doubtful if the thought was an "on purpose" thought or an intrusive one. Thoughts and thinking are funny things. Like breathing, where I can notice my body breathing without my own effort and also can see that I do breathe with intention sometimes, I am never really sure which thoughts I "meant to think" or not. Most of the time, this doesn't bother me, but just the other day I walked in on my dog having chewed up some book off my bookshelf. I was already stressed a bit about something else, much like you were I am sure when fighting with your sister, and the emotion of anger and the thought, "I wish she were dead," occurred in my mind. My eyes teared up a little when I imagined that happening. Like you, I do not know for sure if what I was thinking is my responsibility or an intrusive thought for certainty, but I DO know that after that, and until this moment, I have not harmed her. I also have no plans to harm her, although the thought still distresses me when I think of it. What really helps me, and I teach this to my members, is to notice that the vast majority of the thoughts I have on any given day are being produced by my brain without my permission. Also, I can see that whether I meant to think that thought or not (I am giving up on answering this because I will never have certainty) my ACTIONS and who I want to be are not matching up with that thought. I can also see, through practicing accepting uncertainty, that whatever goes on inside my head or my body does not determine my actions in the World, or predict the future. I hope my comment is helpful to you @iamworthy, and I second the previous responses on the book recommendations. ERP is the way to not let these thoughts have more than power than they actually do.

iamworthy

Date posted: 3y

@NOCD Therapist - Clint R. Thank you so much for your comment. This helped a lot. Whether it was intentional or not, it was not a thought I liked or intended to act on, so that should be enough for me to move on and stop feeling so guilty and like a horrible person. Thank you for opening up and sharing your own experience. It makes me feel a lot less alone and a lot more normal

classyrockgal24

Date posted: 3y

@iamworthy Thank you for your advice in how to live with ocd this is very helpful

classyrockgal24

Date posted: 3y

I’m actually right where you are at. I struggled with pocd for so long and it’s been rough, but I finally got to a point where I was becoming me again. It popped its head in and I can’t stop thinking is this my fault? Did i want this to happen? Do I actually have ocd?

classyrockgal24

Date posted: 3y

That was very well depicted thank you

classyrockgal24

Date posted: 3y

Idk if you can relate to that but I hope someone can

classyrockgal24

Date posted: 3y

Thank you! Last time I started that book it low key sent me into a spiral because I was using it to look for reassurance but I need to give it another read

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