ROCD Feeling hated for past mistakes

I struggle a lot with real event OCD, to the point where the ruminating interferes with so much of my daily life. I constantly think about past mistakes I have made, and my mind acts like the entire world knows about them. For example, I think of the entire world “canceling” me for my past mistakes that I deeply regret. I have gotten to the point where I believe that all of these mistakes have been caught on camera or secretly recorded. I feel like I can never be successful in life due to this fear that all my past mistakes will be exposed. When so many public figures and “regular people” get exposed by our society for mistakes they have made, it makes me feel like I will be forever known for the worst mistakes I have ever made. When I think about being “exposed” for these mistakes, I imagine that everyone will resent me and endlessly criticize me online. My intrusive thoughts then make me believe that taking my life would be the best solution if this happens. I believe that is the only way out, because I would not be able to handle it if people actually know about what kind of horrible things I have done. When I do get so anxious about my past mistakes, I use the thought of suicide as a way to provide a solution if my mistakes get exposed. AKA I think that there is a way to avoid everyone hating me for my mistakes & the only way I can express how bad I feel about these mistakes is by taking my life. Does anyone else struggle with Real OCD to this extent? Have their been things that have helped make it better for you?

Real Events OCD

nervousbeans

Date posted: 2y

Hi there. I've been there and occasionally slip back into this mentality from time to time. I suffer from a combo of ROCD/False Memory/Real Event. It's an exciting blend (NOT)! I have to sit with the discomfort and let the feelings pass (tough I know). But I know those thoughts of suicide as a result of the worst coming true all too well. I'm sorry you're going through this. My advice is sitting with the discomfort and accepting the the possibility of the worst coming true. Also remember self-forgiveness even if you don't feel like you deserve it. I struggle practicing what I'm preaching, but it's the way! I'm hoping others chime in because I would love to hear their advice.

Kanver12

Date posted: 2y

@nervousbeans Thank you so much for your response! I am sorry to hear that you share this same experience- nobody deserves this. That said, thank you very much for your advice. I recently came across a great social media video that I really liked. In it, the person said that the *most* effective way to work through real event OCD is self acceptance. This means accepting yourself- whether you did or didn’t do something. In this world today, I know that can sound pretty difficult, especially if others do not accept us for our perceived mistakes. Hearing this really stuck with me though, because I know this is something I should practice. I hope this helps you too!

nervousbeans

Date posted: 2y

@Kanver12 That is some great advice! My therapist sent me an article a coupe weeks ago talking about rumination and mental ping-ponging. Overall, you need to accept you have a thought, you have to accept that it makes you uncomfortable, you have to accept that the possibility is there, you have to accept that it would suck if it happened, and lastly, you have to accept that it is not the worst thing in the world. I try to follow this, but sometimes the OCD wins. I hate it haha

Locna

Date posted: 2y

Taking responsibility is part of recovery. It's only when we face these and work through them with others that we are able to develop strategies that work.

Anonnnnnm

Date posted: 22w

Please help (ROCD)!

I have been battling ocd for over a year now and it likes to switch themes. Currently, it’s attacking my relationship with my girlfriend who I’ve been with since I was in high school over 10 years ago. It first began as an intense feeling that I have to leave or break up with her over dumb little things. Then it changed into a lot of guilt for having any thought about another girl. And the worse is feeling this intense guilt for past things I’ve done in the past while in this relationship. We were so young and I was teenager, but I often found myself watching porn, fantasizing about real other people in my life, and getting off to other girls that I may have known. When I was younger I didn’t think it was bad and that it was just a normal teen boy thing, but 10 years later I have so much guilt about it. And yes I’m with the same girl now. We’ve had our ups and downs, but I know I love this girl and I’m ready to propose to her soon. Anyway, these past mistakes I did when I was younger make me feel like a cheater and I can’t stop ruminating about it. I feel like I have to admit every detail and person I’ve ever had a bad thought about. I feel like if I propose to her and don’t tell her everything, that I’m a lair and didn’t give her the full picture. And the other day one of the girls I thought was hot when I was younger, came up in convo and I just went downhill. Now she knows I deal with OCD and she is very supportive, I’ve told her before that I did some bad things, but never all the details. And that’s all my brain keeps telling me to do. I have so much tightness in my chest and just want to be able to breathe again. But everyone says to not admit or it’ll reinforce the cycle, I’m just not sure how everyone else does that. And at the same time, maybe I am a cheater and just simply a bad person. Idk! I never cheated physically or anything like that, but my past mistakes feel like I did. But again I may just be a bad person! Please if anyone has advice or is dealing with similar things, I’d appreciate the help!

Relationship OCD

Buddyfriend

Date posted: 21w

Real Event Ocd

My ocd latches on to past mistakes. i fear that God is formulating a situation to “give me what i deserve.” I will string together completely unrelated events into the predictors/indicators that my ‘judgement day’ is near and all my wrongdoings will be exposed for everyone to see and my life will be ruined by finally getting the punishment i deserve. I fear that God is going to use someone who is out to get me, wants revenge, hates me, etc, to carry this out. The associated compulsion is that i keep track of my mistakes and practice arguments for defending myself so that when the time comes im ready for anything. I also punish myself with guilt so that i can “get ahead” on any bad feelings that i would experience on my judgement day. It’s all so exhausting. Does anyone relate? Does anyone have a similar existence? Would love to hear about others’ experiences. Thank you for reading.

Db99

Date posted: 11w

Past haunting you?

With real event OCD, I don’t know if any of you feel this way, but do you ever feel that the past event(s) that you ruminate about or constantly obsess about are gonna come up in your future and just absolutely ruin you, that’s how I’ve been feeling for months, it just feels like impending doom, and I hate having to even think that my future would be ruined by what I did as a teenager, and I did some dumb things, that I regret so deeply, I just can’t stop thinking about that.

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ROCD Feeling hated for past mistakes

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