Returning to study

Hey all! I just joined this app and wanted to ask for your thoughts and encouragement on something I’ve been experiencing lately. (*long post ahead*) I’ve had an OCD diagnosis for about 2 years now, along with generalized anxiety, depersonalization symptoms, and depression diagnoses since my teens (I’m 24). Been lucky to have great family and healthcare that have helped me get out of some very dark places. I’m currently on a very high dose of Prozac, a smaller dose of Wellbutrin, and have been in therapy pretty consistently since my late teens. Life is pretty good....I’m in grad school and am doing well socially and academically. I am moving out to another part of the country to do an internship for 10 weeks, starting this Friday. But with all of this great and wonderful stuff in life, I have definitely noticed my OCD getting worse, despite my meds and self care. I’ve been having more obsessive fears and doing the rituals and compulsions to soothe those fears. It’s taking up much more of my mental space than it had for the past 2 years or so. I think part of it is the big change of moving to a new place temporarily, finishing my first year of grad school, and going from being insanely busy to having a month of downtime that is just now wrapping up. I’m getting scared that things are going to get really bad again — so far I’ve been managing with mindfulness and acceptance, and reading up on tactics for managing intrusive thoughts and accompanying compulsions. But I am so afraid that things will get to be into the dark and horrible place they were in 2 years ago. My OCD has been really mild the past few years, since I started the meds, and to feel it flare up again is really REALLY distressing. It makes me scared that the meds aren’t working, or that all the thoughts and fears are real. I know this isn’t the truth, logically, but my OCD and anxiety are running with it. I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced this (change-related flare ups and the fears accompanied by them) and has tools to manage relapse or flare ups. Thanks in advance :) :)

I just need to vent. So I have recently have been thinking about going back to school to get a Master's in Counseling with the end goal of becoming an OCD therapist. Becoming a therapist is something I've been thinking about for a few years now. The past few days the intrusive thoughts have been super intense. Things like "You are too old to think about going back to school. You missed your chance? Why would you even think of becoming a therapist when you are so screwed up yourself? How do you intend to pay your rent, keep food on the table, work full time, and go to school? You aren't smart enough to get a Master's and you will just end up flunking out. You know your parents won't support you in this. I had a rough night last night because I ruminated about this for about 4 hours last night. There's a part of me that wants want to try, but there's a part of me that thinks "Why bother?" I haven't made a decision one way or the other. I have really good benefits at my current job including 401k. But my current job is not something I am passionate about and is not a good fit for my personality. But its a big decision.

I suffered for a really long time (approx 2 years) with Real Event/False Memory ROCD. This led to a long period of chronic guilt, rumination, mental review and confessing. I sought help last year and finally realised I had OCD (hurrah) and wasn’t totally losing my mind. I felt as though I was (prior to diagnosis) when I told my therapist… “no matter what, I’m having the same thought over and over and every time I think I’ve found a way out of it, it comes back”. I felt really suicidal and could not see my way out of it for a while. I found a lot of help online with Instagram which led me to finding NOCD and a number of their therapists. I actually started NOCD therapy last year and was finally ridding myself of these horrible shackles and seeing that my life didn’t have to be defined by memories, mistakes and fears. However, unfortunately I fell ill and a number of life changing events happened (lost a beloved pet, was in and out of hospital, my stepdad became seriously ill and hospitalised) so I gave up therapy for the time being. Since, I’ve found myself distracted from my fears, I suppose I had a new theme to focus on (my health), I’d not realised it had become compulsive but I suppose it had. Anyway, it’s been a few months and I am still unwell but finding a way around it. I also have some great news in my life, I found out I’m pregnant and am beginning a new chapter in my life and am adapting to the changes and fears that come with that. Unfortunately 2 days ago I was floored by my old obsessions, back with vengeance with none of my old tools able to help again. I’m catching myself ruminating, I am noticing old patterns of mental review returning, here I am with that gut wrenching fear in my stomach constantly and words on my tongue ready to confess to things I may or may not have done (who knows!?). I feel so unprepared for this return of old fears… I thought I’d done well and almost become un-fearful again? I’m not sure where to go from here, I’ve enquired about some ERP again and am taking those steps. I’ve grabbed my old OCD books and am ready to remind myself to step out of those cycles. But I can’t help but feel devastated that the same old scary patterns have grabbed me again. Anyone have any top tips for coping in the meantime whilst arranging some ERP again 🪴