So I have confess to things I did in the past. And just note that I never cheated on my husband but did talk to alot of male friends back in the day 6 years ago when were just bf and gf now married 1 year married and been together for almost 7 years. But it was always for advice reason why I talked to my male friends. It's too long to explain long story short. I'm suppose to do emdr and for some reason I feel guilt so much guilt like if I cheated but I didnt!! I never even met up with these friends of mine. I know they were flirty at times but i ignore them when that conversation came about. Anyway I'm suppose to do emdr. And I'm afraid something somewhere it will come out that I cheated. I'm so scared I'm so happy in my relationship I dont want anything to ruin it. Why does this guilt roaming around. I hate this. I didn't do anything wrong it's been years I dont talk to anyone! Literally noone. Why does this haunt me! Like if my male friends will tell a lie to my husband that I have cheated but I didnt. Do you all understand me? I obsess over this everyday! Is better obsessing over this than suicidal thoughts everyday. I finally got a break from that. Someone HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP ASAP.

So I have been struggling with the same theme of ocd for 4 months now. My ocd centers around past events/false memories that ocd skews to make seem bad or it twists my thoughts on what my intentions were. this is related to cheating or being weird while I have been in my amazing relationship. I have never cheated on my partner and never will and I believe it is wrong. But my ocd is telling me other wise. I love my partner so very much and I would never want to hurt him but my brain is getting to me. I was getting better. I was trying “maybe I did, maybe I didn’t”, I have been back on meds and in therapy and I stopped confessing random interactions from years/months ago about 1.5 weeks ago and it really helped. But now I woke up this morning and feel the pit in my stomach again. I feel extra critical and like why would you do this? What does this say about you? What was your intention with this? And I’m just stuck mentally reviewing and ruminating on everything you could imagine. I know my personality and I know in the moment maybe I did find them attractive but mainly I was just being nice or funny or even just a good friend, but looking back now I’m like “was it flirting?” “Why did I still snap this person” “why would I even talk to them” and stuff like that. I feel this intense sense of guilt. I have told my partner everything that I keep getting stuck on and he didn’t care, he said he understands or “that’s a little weird but it’s okay” and hasn’t missed a beat. He said eveything I’ve told him is normal and I’ve heard that from my friends too. I just really need help. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am so disappointed because I thought I was gonna be done with this, so why am I still so worried and caught up in this.

I want to not be a burden for my partner. I have many friends of the opposite sex, I have not done anything with these friends and everyone knows how devoted I am to my partner. Still, I have these ruminating thoughts that somehow I’ve done something wrong, I’ve somehow cheated and my partner is going to find out and break up with me. I am a flirtatious person, and I think this is where this stems from. This may also stem because one of my male friends is attracted to me, but we’ve made it known we are just friends and he respects my relationship. A casual conversation where I may have verbally said something flirtatious can cause me to spiral for a whole day or days (and I’m working on that, my partner believes that everyone flirts and flirting is natural as long as it doesn’t go past boundaries.) I am so scared to lose my partner (we’ve been together 3 years) due to my constant OCD and obsessive thoughts that I then have to confess to him (he’s never mad and reassures me) and then work to get over it in my own mind. I know that I would not cheat on my partner and he is the one for me, but sometimes it feels like I cannot have friends and be with a partner because I don’t want my partner to ever feel like I’m willing to risk our relationship. It is so hard emotionally, I don’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings and stop being a friend because I can’t control my own thoughts and emotions. I worry so much about having possibly said something super inappropriate and don’t want my partner to be stuck dealing with me and my emotions. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about it for fear of feeling crazy or someone making light of the situation because to some it may seem like something so insignificant but to me it feels like the hardest hurdle to conquer.

How does everyone try to combat their real event OCD? I keep remembering this certain memory where an old friend of mine from a group years ago who was a guy messaged me on Snapchat last year on Halloween he said something to me. I don’t remember what he said and I responded and I don’t remember what I said, but I do remember that I removed him right after, as well as one other guy, I do remember why I removed them and it was because I had a thought where I was like “I don’t want my fiance seeing these guys that I used to talk to on my snap and think that I’m doing something wrong or anything.” I know I removed them out of respect for our relationship and I remembered because I remembered I had gotten an anxious and nervous because they were still on my snap, but 2 months after I un added that guy off my snap(December 2024) I panicked because I don’t remember what I said or he said and I got worried about what if I flirted and said something wrong. I spoke to my fiancé about it and he pretty much reassured me and he told me that if I had actually done something out of that intent, I wouldn’t have told him about it at all, so that helped me and reassured me for a little bit, and then my OCD moved on to another theme for months. Fast forward to now, I remembered the same thing and my thought was “What if I cheated and I blocked it out of my memory.” And I started freaking out again and I started panicking. I told my fiancé about it again and he reassured me again but recently my OCD has been really bad and every theme I’ve had has caused me to have bad mental breakdowns intensely, it just sucks because I can’t go check if I actually said something flirty and I just didn’t realize it because I added the guy last year right after I talk to him I just wanted to know if anyone has any thing that they do whenever they have a problem with their relevant OCD around the cheating theme. Because my fiancé is a god sent and I’d never ever want to hurt him, I hate that my ocd attaches to him because it makes me feel like I’m a horrible person.